When my mother died I found I had so much to say and nowhere for it to go. I would be in the middle of a job or chore and a conversation with her would appear in my head, fully formed, and then just stay there.
I had no where for that conversation to go. For weeks I carried these things I couldn’t say around with me.
What finally helped was something that now seems obvious. I started writing to her.
Not properly but just using a cheap notebook and the getting down whatever came out. Some days it was a memory. Other days it was me being furious that she had gone. And slowly the feeling of heaviness became lighter.
So if you have lost your mom and you are looking for a way to let some of it out these grief journal prompts are a good starting point. You do not have to do them in any order and you do not have to do all of them. Just choose the one that stands out to you and ignore the rest.
How to Use These Grief Journal Prompts
There isn’t really any wrong way of doing this but there were a few things that made it easier for me:
- Write by hand if you can. It is slower but it seems to reach the feelings that typing doesn’t and sometimes skips over
- Set a timer for ten minutes so it does not feel like a long and hard task. When the timer goes you can stop with a clear conscience
- Do not tidy up your grammar or your handwriting. This is the one place where none of that matters
- If a prompt makes you cry that is not the prompt going wrong. That is often the prompt working
- If a prompt does nothing for you skip it and try another
Why Writing Helps When You Are Grieving
There is a reason grief counselors so often recommend writing to help with grief. Putting a feeling into words makes it easier to deal with and let go rather than it building up.
Researchers who study expressive writing have found that people who write about their hardest experiences often report feeling better over time than those who bottle it all up. Whatever the science, most people who grieve will tell you the same thing – it helps to get it out of your head and onto the page.
If you want more ways to cope this piece on supporting someone who is grieving works just as well when the person you are supporting is you.
Journal Prompts for the Early Days
The first weeks after losing your mother are so hard. These prompts are for when everything is very raw and you barely know what you feel.
- Right now, in this exact moment, my grief feels like…
- The thing nobody warned me about losing my mom is…
- Today the hardest part of the day was…
- If I could say one sentence to my mother right now it would be…
- The moment I realized she was really gone was…
- My body feels grief in these ways…
- When people ask how I am, what I actually want to say is…
- One small thing that got me through today was…
Prompts for Remembering your Mom
These prompts are here to give you your mother back for a few minutes before the illness or the end.
- My earliest memory of my mom is…
- The sound of her voice. Describe it so you never forget it
- A meal she made that I can still taste is…
- She always used to say…
- The way she laughed was…
- A time she was completely, gloriously herself was…
- Something she taught me without ever sitting me down to teach it was…
- Her hands. What did they look like, and what did they do…
- A perfect ordinary day with her would have looked like…
- The smell I most associate with my mother is…
Prompts for the Feelings that are Harder to Admit
Not every mother-child story is a simple one. And in the same way not every grief is pure sadness. There can be anger, relief, guilt, regret and a hundred other things and feelings. None of it makes you a bad son or daughter. This is the sort of thing a private page is for.
- Something I feel guilty about is…
- I am angry that…
- Something I wish I had said to her is…
- Something I wish I had never said is…
- A part of our relationship that was complicated was…
- If I am honest, I also feel…
- Something I need to forgive her for is…
- Something I need to forgive myself for is…
- The unfinished conversation between us was about…
Prompts for Missing her in Everyday Life
For me the worst part was being hit out of the blue with grief and feelings. I would reach for the phone to tell her something. A song in a shop would set me off. The first time something wonderful happened and I couldn’t call her. These prompts are for when throws show up long after the funeral.
- The thing I most want to phone her about lately is…
- A moment recently when her absence hit me out of nowhere was…
- The hardest day on the calendar for me is going to be…
- On Mother’s Day I want to…
- Something I do not know how to do now that she is gone is…
- A milestone she is going to miss is… and here is what I would want her to know about it
- I catch myself becoming like her when I…
- The everyday thing I miss more than the big things is…
Prompts for Keeping Her With You
Grief does not really end so much as it changes shape. These last prompts are about the long work of keeping her with you, which is a comfort and a project you will be doing for the rest of your life.
- A way I want to keep her memory alive is…
- Something of hers I will treasure is… and why
- A value of hers I want to pass on is…
- If I could write her a letter today, it would say…
- What I think she would want for me now is…
- One tradition of hers I am going to keep going is…
- The version of me she helped build is…
Some people write to their mom every birthday, every anniversary, every time the year turns. If you would like some words for those dates our prayers for the loss of a mother and our happy birthday in heaven mom messages will help.
She is in the recipes I get slightly wrong,
in the phrases that fall out of my mouth in her voice,
in the way I still set the table.
Gone is not the same as nowhere.
Final Thoughts
Don’t be hard on yourself. Some days the notebook will help and some days you will not be able to face it.
Journaling is a companion to grief, not a cure for it.
If your grief ever starts to feel like more than you can deal with on your own, please treat that as a signal to reach out. Talking to your doctor, a grief counselor or a trusted person in your life is one of the most sensible things you can do.
