Some people will specify they don’t want a funeral long before they pass away. It might be something said in passing or written down and that they’ve promised you’ll stick to. Either way, when the time comes it can leave you feeling a bit lost.
A funeral gives everyone involved an easy idea of what to follow. There’s a day, a place and a set of things to do.
Without one you might be wondering what you’re supposed to do instead and if other people will think you didn’t care enough to bother.
You can honor their wishes and still say goodbye in a way that feels right though. Not having a funeral rarely means they don’t want anyone to do anything to remember them. It usually means no fuss, no big expense etc.
So this guide will go through what usually happens practically, ways to mark the loss, how to handle family who want something more and wording you can use to let people know. If a gathering later on is starting to sound right our guide to the difference between a celebration of life and a funeral may help you decide.
First, Think About What They Really Meant
Before you decide anything try to think back to how they said it. “Don’t waste money on a funeral” is very different from “I don’t want anyone fussing over me” or “I don’t want a church service”.
One is definitive and the others give you a lot of room and scope to still do something.
A few common reasons people say they don’t want a funeral:
- They didn’t want the family spending a lot of money
- They hated being the center of attention
- They weren’t religious and didn’t want a religious service
- They found funerals depressing and didn’t want people to be sad
- They had outlived most of their friends and didn’t want an empty room
- They wanted their body donated or cremated with no ceremony
If you know the reason you’ll find you have options to do something small that they would have been fine with. Someone who didn’t want a sad service might have loved the idea of friends telling funny stories over dinner, as an example.
If they were very clear that they wanted nothing at all that’s fine. Doing nothing formal is a valid choice and it shouldn’t stop you grieving in your own way.
What Happens Practically When There’s No Funeral
Even with no service there are still a few things that need doing. You’ll usually still work with a funeral home or cremation provider to take care of the body and help with the paperwork like the death certificate.
Most families in this situation choose one of these:
- Direct cremation. The person is cremated soon after death with no viewing or service beforehand. The ashes are then returned to the family. This is the most common choice when someone didn’t want a funeral.
- Direct burial. The person is buried without a viewing or formal service. Sometimes a few family members go to the graveside, sometimes no one does.
- Body donation. If they registered to donate their body to a medical school or research program the program will usually explain what happens next and when any remains are returned.
Just tell the funeral director what your loved one wanted. They deal with this all the time and won’t try to make you have a service you don’t want.
If you’re cremating then you have time to decide what happens to the ashes. Our guide on what to do with ashes after cremation has lots of ideas if you’re not sure.
Is a Person’s Funeral Wish Legally Binding?
This comes up a lot, especially when family members disagree. In most places a person’s funeral wishes are treated as guidance for the family rather than something you have to stick to and the next of kin usually makes the final decisions.
Laws do vary from state to state though and some people put formal instructions or name a specific person in writing. If there’s a serious disagreement a funeral director or attorney can tell you where you stand.
In practice most families want to do what the person asked. The question is usually less “do we have to?” and more “how do we do this the right way?”
Ways to Honor Them Without a Funeral
None of these are a funeral but small ways to mark a life that you can keep as private or as open as you like.
Just the Closest Family
- Have a meal together at their favorite restaurant or cook their signature dish at home
- Sit together and go through old photos
- Take a walk somewhere they loved
- Each say one thing you’ll miss about them, round the table
- Open a bottle of their favorite drink and raise a glass
- Watch their favorite movie or listen to their favorite album
- Light a candle at home on the day they would have been cremated or buried
Something Just for You
Sometimes the hardest part of no funeral is that you don’t get your own moment to say goodbye. You can make one.
- Write them a letter saying what you didn’t get to say
- Go somewhere that meant something to the two of you
- Plant a tree, a rose bush or some bulbs that will come up in spring
- Start a grief journal (our grief journaling prompts can help you get started)
- Keep something of theirs close, like a watch, a scarf or a favorite mug
- Do one of their hobbies for an afternoon, even if you’re bad at it
With Friends, Informally
A casual get together often fits well with no funeral. There’s no program, no speeches unless people want them and no one has to dress up.
- Meet at their favorite bar, diner or coffee shop and tell stories
- Host a backyard barbecue or potluck in their name
- Do something they loved as a group, like a round of golf, a fishing trip or a hike
- Gather for a short, simple ash scattering if they were cremated
- Get together on their birthday rather than straight after the death
If you’d like to say a few words while scattering ashes our ash scattering ceremony script have lots of ideas and inspiration.
Lasting Ways to Remember Them
- Make a donation to a cause they cared about
- Dedicate a bench or plant a tree in a park they used
- Set up a simple online memorial page where people can leave memories
- Collect stories from friends into a small book for the family
- Do something kind in their name once a year
There are many more ideas like these in our guide on how to keep a loved one’s memory alive.
When Family or Friends Want a Funeral Anyway
This is usually the hardest part. One person wants to follow the wishes exactly and another feels like they can’t say goodbye without some kind of service.
A few things that can help:
- Remember a funeral is partly for the living. Wanting somewhere to gather isn’t disrespect.
- Look for the middle ground. Something small and informal, held a few weeks or months later, can respect their wishes while giving others a chance to say goodbye.
- Keep it different from a funeral. No casket, no formal program, no black clothes. That can make it feel right for who they were.
- Don’t stop others grieving their own way. If a friend wants to hold a small get together of their own, that’s usually fine. You don’t have to host it or go.
- Give it time. Big decisions don’t have to be made in the first week. With cremation you can wait and see how everyone feels.
I’ve always thought that if the person who died could see the family arguing over it that’s the last thing they’d want. Something that most people can live with is usually better than being exactly right.
Letting People Know There Won’t Be a Funeral
People will ask about arrangements often within hours. Having something ready will make it easier. You don’t owe anyone an explanation but a short one can stop people feeling shut out.
For a fuller announcement our death announcement examples can be adapted then just add one of the lines below.
Short Lines for Texts, Calls and Social Media
- At his request, there won’t be a funeral.
- Mom didn’t want a funeral, so we’re keeping things very simple.
- In keeping with her wishes, there will be no service.
- Dad was very clear he didn’t want any fuss, so there won’t be a funeral.
- There won’t be a service, but we’d love to hear your memories of her.
- She asked for no funeral, so the family will be remembering her privately.
- He didn’t want a funeral. We may get together for a celebration of his life later in the year and will let you know.
- No service is planned, per his wishes. If you’d like to do something, he would have loved a donation to the animal shelter.
- We’re honoring her wish for no funeral. Please raise a glass to her instead.
- There won’t be a funeral, which is exactly how he wanted it. Thank you for all your kind messages.
Longer Message Examples
Dear friends,
It’s with a heavy heart that we share that Linda passed away peacefully on Tuesday.
Linda was always very clear that she didn’t want a funeral, so we are honoring her wishes and there will be no service. The family will be marking her life quietly together.
If you’d like to remember her, she would have loved for you to spend an afternoon in your garden or make a donation to the local library she volunteered at for so many years.
Thank you for all the love you’ve shown her and us.
The Harper family
________
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Hi everyone,
Some of you have asked about arrangements for Dad. He made us promise there would be no funeral, so there won’t be one.
We know some of you would have liked a chance to say goodbye. We’re planning a casual get-together at the lake this summer, which we think he’d have been fine with as long as nobody makes a speech. We’ll send details nearer the time.
Thank you for caring about him so much.
Love,
________
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Dear ______,
Thank you for your kind message about Grandma. I wanted to let you know that, at her request, there won’t be a funeral or memorial service. She was a very private person and wanted things kept simple.
I know you were close to her and I’m sorry there isn’t a service to come to. If you’d like to share a memory or a photo of her, I would treasure it.
With love,
________
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If Someone Is Upset There’s No Funeral
Some people take it hard. A kind reply usually works better than going through a long defense.
- I understand. It’s hard not having somewhere to say goodbye. This is what he wanted though, and we want to respect that.
- I know this isn’t what you’d have chosen. It wasn’t easy for us either, but it was really important to her.
- You’re welcome to remember him in whatever way feels right to you. We’d love to hear about it.
- We’re not ruling out getting together later on. Right now we just need to do what she asked.
- I’m sorry this is hard. I’d really like to have coffee and talk about her, if you’re up for it.
If Your Friend’s Loved One Didn’t Want a Funeral
It can feel strange not having a service to go to. You might not be sure how to show you care.
The answer is to do what you’d normally do just without the funeral.
So send a card or a message. Drop off some food. Check in again a few weeks later when everything goes quiet.
Without a funeral the support can stop even sooner than usual.
A few things you can write:
- I’m so sorry about your mom. I know she didn’t want a fuss, but I wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.
- I was so sorry to hear about ______. Honoring his wishes says a lot about how much you loved him.
- No funeral sounds exactly like her. I’ll be raising a glass to her tonight.
- I’m sorry I won’t get to say goodbye properly, but I’ll always remember ______’s laugh.
- Thinking of you. If you ever want to get together and share stories about him, I’d love that.
For more ideas see our guide on what to say to someone who lost a loved one.
Try not to question the family’s decision or ask why there’s no service. They’ve almost certainly been asked already and they’re just doing what they were told.
A Few Things to Keep in Mind
- Following their wishes may feel strange but it’s what they wanted and you should respect it.
- You can still grieve without a funeral. The lack of a service doesn’t mean you’re being disrespectful or making less of the loss.
- It’s fine to change your mind later about a small gathering. Many families decide on something months later.
- Keep a note of who has asked about arrangements so you can let them know if plans change.
- Be kind to anyone who reacts badly. Most people are just sad they didn’t get to say goodbye.
Not having a funeral can feel unfinished at first. There’s no day where everyone gets together to say goodbye and that can make the loss feel weird and not enough.
But the goodbye doesn’t have to happen in one room on one day. It can be a meal, a walk, a letter or a toast with the people who knew them best. Doing what they asked, in your own way is a pretty good way to honor someone.