After a friend on mine died I couldn’t bring myself to delete their voicemail. What they’d said wasn’t anything important or special but for two years I’d play it whenever I missed the sound of them.
Other friends thought it was a bit morbid. But to me it was the most natural thing in the world. That short recording was one of the ways I kept that person with me.
That’s really what this whole post is about. Those small ways we hold onto the people we’ve lost.
Because keeping a loved one’s memory alive is something you try to do forever and is a very personal thing.
So I’ve brought together some ideas that have meant the most to me and I believe work best for remembering someone. Some are very simple and cost you nothing whereas others take a bit more planning. But I feel confident you’ll find something that will appeal to you.
Why Keeping Their Memory Alive Matters
For a long time grief was talked about like a race to the finish line. You were meant to grieve, find “closure” and then move on, as if letting go completely was the whole point of it.
Most grief experts don’t see it that way anymore. There’s a well known idea in grief psychology called “continuing bonds” which came out of research in the 1990s.
The short version is that staying connected to someone who died, through memory and rituals and small daily habits is a healthy and normal part of grieving. To heal you don’t have to sever all ties with the deceased.
That was very comforting to me. It means all the little things you already do, like talking to their photo or keeping their coat on the hook, maybe cooking their Sunday roast etc. aren’t you struggling to move on. You’re grieving just right it turns out.
Everyday Ways to Feel Close to Them
These are quiet ways of remembering. They don’t cost much and you can start doing them today.
Cook Their Favorite Meals
Food has the ability to make a person feel like they’re back in the room with you. My mom makes my nan’s fruit cake every Christmas and she swears she can smell her the moment it comes out of the oven. M
So learn their signature dish. Make the recipe you always turned your nose up at as a kid. You can even set a place for them at the table if you want to.
Keep a Tradition Going
Maybe your dad always did the Sunday morning breakfast. Maybe your friend organized the same Halloween party every single year. It doesn’t matter what it is but keeping a tradition alive is one of the best ways to honor someone because it it reminds you of them and feels like you still have a piece of them with you long after they’re gone.
Say Their name and Tell Their Stories
So many grieving people find the hardest part is that everyone stops mentioning their person as if the name has become toxic. If you’re finding that – be the one who says it. Tell the funny story at the dinner table. Start sentences with “Do you remember when Dad…” Saying their name keeps them present and it gives everyone else permission to do the same.
Wear or Carry Something of Theirs
It could be a watch. Maybe a scarf that still smells faintly of them. A ring resized to fit your finger.
Carrying a small object with you means they’re there for the ordinary days too, the dentist appointment, the school run, the boring Tuesday etc. You’d be amazed how much comfort you can get from something as small as a button or coin.
Visit the Places That Were Theirs
Go to their favorite bench. Maybe the pub where they were a regular. Go back to that stretch of coast where you scattered them or where they loved to be.
Going back to a meaningful place can feel like keeping an appointment with someone. Some people go on their birthday. Some go whenever they need a chat.
Keep a Voicemail, a Note or Their Handwriting
Small recordings and bits of handwriting can become so treasured and special. So save the voicemails you have, frame the shopping list that was in their terrible handwriting and take screenshots of the last text message you had from them.
These little bits of a person’s regular voice are the things you’ll be most grateful you kept.
Create Something to Hold the Memory
If you’re someone who likes to make things with your hands these ideas are great for making something you can hold and display and pass on. They’re also wonderful group projects for a family working through grief together.
Make a Memory Box or Memory Jar
If you’re not sure a memory box is what it sounds like – a beautiful box filled with the bits and pieces that help you remember someone. It could be ticket stubs, a lock of hair, letters, a favorite handkerchief, a novelty keyring they refused to throw away.
A memory jar works the same way except everyone writes down a favorite memory on a slip of paper to add over time. On the hard days you can open it up and be surrounded by them.
Turn Their Clothes into a Keepsake
You can see their shirts, dressing gown, worn jumper etc. into a memory quilt, a cushion, a teddy bear for a grandchild or a set of Christmas stockings.
There are lots of makers who specialize in this now if you’re not a sewer yourself. The fabric you couldn’t bear to give to the charity shop becomes something you can wrap yourself in and remember them with.
Build a Photo Book, Scrapbook or Gallery Wall
You may have lots of photos of the deceased on your phone but leaving them their doesn’t do much. So instead try printing a proper photo book that tells the story of their life.
Fill a scrapbook with pictures and handwriting and pressed flowers from the funeral. Or dedicate a wall of your home to them, a gallery of the big milestones and the more mundane and common moments that reflect who they really were.
Wear Memorial Jewelry
Memorial jewelry has come a long way. You can have a fingerprint engraved into a pendant, their handwriting turned into a bracelet or a tiny amount of ashes set into a ring or glass bead.
For a lot of people wearing something like this every day is a way of keeping their person close to the heart, quite literally.
Write Down Their Recipes and Stories
If your loved one was the cook of the family take their recipes and make a little book for everyone. Do the same with their stories and sayings too.
The phrases they always used. The advice they gave. Written down these things survive as our memoirs fade and also get handed to people who never even met them.
Write Them a Letter
You don’t have to be a writer for this one. Just write to them the way you’d talk to them.
Tell them what’s happened since they left. Say the thing you never got to say.
Some people keep these letters in the memory box. Others read them aloud at the graveside.
Living Tributes That Grow Over Time
You can create a tribute that grows and lives on long after the person has gone. These take a little more doing but they give you something you can return to for years.
Plant a Tree or a Memorial Garden
Planting a tree in someone’s memory is one of the oldest traditions there is. As it grows you can visit it, sit under it, watch birds nest in it and so on.
If you don’t have the space there are lots of organizations that will plant one on your behalf. Or you can create a small memorial garden with their favorite flowers and a stone or plaque put in among them.
Dedicate a Bench or a Plaque
A memorial bench in a spot they loved gives you and strangers a place to sit and rest and remember. Many parks and councils run adoption schemes for this.
If you go down this route you’ll need to think about the wording and we have a whole guide to memorial plaque wording examples to help you say the right thing in a small space.
Get a Memorial Tattoo
This isn’t for everyone but for a lot of people a tattoo is the ultimate permanent tribute, something carried on your own skin for life. It might be their handwriting, their birth and death dates, a symbol they loved or a line from a poem about grief that really sums them up.
It’s a very personal choice but for those who decide it’s for them it’s profound.
Name a Star, Adopt an Animal or Sponsor Something in Their Name
If your loved one was a stargazer or a huge animal lover then naming a star after them or sponsoring an animal at a rescue in their memory is perfect for them. It won’t be for everyone but the right gesture for the right person can mean the world.
Ways to Honor Them in the Wider World
Some of the most meaningful tributes are the ones that do some good in a grieving world. Turning a loss into something that gives back can give the death some meaning, even when it feels senseless.
Donate or Volunteer for a Cause They Cared About
Was there a charity close to their heart? A hospice that cared for them at the end?
Giving your time or money in their name keeps their values alive out in the world. If you’d like guidance on the words here’s how to handle a donation made in memory of someone.
Start a Scholarship, Fund or Small Foundation
This doesn’t have to be a big, wealth family sort of thing. It can be one small scholarship at the school they loved, an annual prize for the sports team they coached, maybe a small fund for a cause they believed in.
Do Random Acts of Kindness in Their Name
Pay for a stranger’s coffee. Leave flowers on a neighbor’s step. Do the kind of thing your person was famous for and if you like,m leave a little card saying it was done in their memory.
On their birthday some families do an act of kindness for every year the person lived. It makes day that would otherwise be painful be something a lot more bearable and filled with goodness.
Marking the Hard Days
Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays can be so hard. Rather than dreading them and doing everything you can to get through a lot of people find it better to turn these days into rituals to remember them by.
Celebrate Their Birthday
Their birthday comes around whether you mark it or not so many families choose to celebrate it. Bake a cake and raise a glass to them. Release a balloon or light a candle.
Some people write them a message every year. If that’s you this might help, how to say happy birthday after a loss.
Mark the Death Anniversary your Way
The anniversary of a death is a difficult date. Some people visit the grave, some cook the favorite meal, some just take the day off and feel all the emotions that come with it.
If you want words for the day our collection of death anniversary quotes gives you somewhere to start.
Bring Them into the Holidays
The holidays magnify a loss like almost nothing else. So hang a special ornament. Set their place. Light a candle at the meal. Keep telling the stories that always made everyone laugh.
We’ve gathered quotes for remembering loved ones at Christmas if you’re looking for the right sentiment for a card or a toast.
Light a Candle
Never underestimate the simplest ritual of all. Lighting a candle on the hard days or every evening if you need to is oddly helpful. Watching the flame is a way of saying, quietly, I’m still thinking of you.
Keeping Their Memory Alive for Children and Future Generations
One of the saddest worries grieving parents and grandparents struggle with is the fear that the little ones won’t remember or that the not yet born grandchildren will never know this wonderful person at all. You can do so much to make sure they do.
- Tell the stories, over and over. Children learn who someone was through the stories we repeat about them
- Make a simple photo book for young kids with pictures of them and their person together
- Record yourself or older relatives telling stories about them so their voice and memories are preserved
- Keep a special object and attach the story to it so when it’s passed down the meaning goes with it
- Cook their recipes with the kids and tell them whose recipe it is while you make it
- Mark their birthday and anniversary as a family so remembering becomes something normal and shared, not something scary
Children take their lead from us. If we can talk about the person we lost with warmth rather than only tears we teach the next generation that the people we love are never really gone as long as we keep talking about them.
When Keeping Their Memory Alive Feels Like Too Much
In the early days, and sometimes for a long while, remembering doesn’t feel comforting and more like a fresh wound being reopened. If you’re not ready to look at photos yet that’s fine.
If a memory box would sit unopened because you can’t face it don’t make one this year. The ideas here will be ready for you whenever you are.
Grief also doesn’t happen in a straight line. You might do beautifully for months and then get flattened by a song in a supermarket.
Remembering your person and struggling badly are not opposites, they often go together and you’ll experience them both in the same day. Be as patient with yourself as you’d be with a friend.
And if it all feels like too much to deal with on your own please reach out for support. Talking to a grief counselor or a support group can make an enormous difference and there’s no medal for suffering in silence.
Final Thoughts
Keeping a loved one’s memory alive isn’t something you finish or complete. It’s a relationship that changes over time.
However you choose to remember your person, be it a foundation in their name or a saved voicemail, you’re doing the most loving thing there is. You’re refusing to let them be forgotten.
the recipe, the song, the chair,
in every story still retold,
we keep you everywhere.
So no, you are not gone from us,
not while we still recall,
the love you left runs through us yet,
and love outlasts it all.
– Sympathy Message Ideas
If you’re looking for the right words to go alongside any of these tributes our in loving memory quotes and grief quotes are a good place to find them. And if you’d like to put your feelings into a fuller tribute our guide to honoring a loved one’s memory will help.
