120+ Questions to Ask a Dying Loved One: Gentle Questions to Treasure

When someone you love is dying time becomes one of the most important things you have. Every visit matters.

And at some point you come to realize there are things you still want to know about the person who you’re going to lose.

It might be the story of how they met. Maybe it’s what they want at their funeral. Maybe you just want to hear them talk about the old days one more time.

Asking questions can feel awkward at first. There’s a worry it’ll upset them or make the end feel too real.

But a lot of people near the end of life are glad to be asked. It tells them their story wont be forgotten and meant something and that someone wants to keep it.

So if you need some help with those questions and what to ask we have over 120 gentle questions, split by topic and relationship, plus some tips for when talking gets harder.

If you’re still searching for the words around these conversations our guide on what to say to someone who is dying may help too.

Table of Contents

Before You Start: A Few Tips

Most of the best answers come out of regular conversation. These few things can help it go more easily.

Follow their energy. If they’re tired ask one question and let it go. You can come back to it tomorrow.
Start light. Childhood and favorite memories are easier openers than funeral wishes.
Let them steer. If a question about school turns into a long story about their first car go with it.
It’s okay to say why you’re asking. “I just want to remember this” or “I don’t think I ever asked you” is fine. Being honest works.
Get comfortable with silence. Some questions need a minute. You don’t have to fill the gap.
Don’t push. If they don’t want to answer something that’s their right. Move on without making it a big deal.
Write things down afterward. Even a few notes on your phone can be something you treasure later.

Questions About Their Childhood and Early Life

These are often the easiest place to begin. Older memories tend to stay sharp and many people love being taken back to them.

Where did you grow up, and what was your house like?
What’s the earliest thing you can remember?
What were your parents like when you were small?
Did you have a best friend growing up? What did you two get up to?
What did you want to be when you grew up?
What was your favorite meal as a kid?
Were you a good student, or did you get into trouble?
What games did you play outside?
What did a normal Sunday look like in your house?
Did you have any pets growing up?
What’s something kids today would never believe about how you grew up?
Who was your favorite teacher, and why?
What was your first job?
What did you do for fun as a teenager?
What music were you listening to back then?
Was there a moment you felt like you’d become a grown-up?

Questions About Family and Love

These questions can bring out stories you’ve never heard. Even about people you thought you knew well. Some of the answers may surprise you.

How did you meet Mom/Dad/your partner?
When did you know you were in love?
What was your wedding day like?
What do you remember about the day I was born?
What was I like as a baby?
What’s your favorite memory of our family together?
What were your grandparents like?
Is there a family story you want to make sure gets passed down?
Is there a family recipe you’d like someone to keep making?
Who in the family do you think is most like you?
What was the hardest thing about being a parent?
What was the best part?
Is there anyone you’ve lost touch with that you’d like us to contact?
Who has been your closest friend over the years?
What do you love most about each of your kids/grandkids?

Questions About Work and What They’re Proud Of

Many people spent decades at a job or raising a family and rarely got asked about it. Giving them the chance to talk about what they built can mean a lot.

What jobs have you had over the years?
Which one did you enjoy the most?
What’s the best boss or coworker you ever had?
What are you most proud of in your life?
What’s something you did that most people don’t know about?
Was there ever a big risk you took that paid off?
What’s a skill you picked up that you’re still proud of?
If you could do one thing over again, what would it be?
Is there anything you wish you’d had the chance to do?
What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever done?

Questions About Life Lessons and Advice

This is the advice you’ll come back to for years. Even a short answer can end up being one of the things you treasure most.

What’s the best advice anyone ever gave you?
What’s the most important thing life has taught you?
What do you wish you’d known when you were my age?
What do you think makes a good marriage or relationship?
What’s the secret to getting through hard times?
How do you want to be remembered?
What matters most to you now, looking back?
What did you worry about that turned out not to matter?
What would you tell your grandkids about being happy?
Is there anything you’d like to say to me that you haven’t yet?
What’s one thing you hope I never forget?
What do you hope I’ll do with my life?
What’s something you’ve forgiven, and how did you manage it?
What makes a life a good one, in your eyes?

Questions About How They’re Feeling Now

Sometimes the most loving question is the simplest. These keep the focus on them, today, rather than on the past or the future.

How are you feeling today, really?
Is there anything worrying you that I can help with?
Is there anything that would make you more comfortable?
Would you like more visitors, or fewer?
Is there anyone you’d like to see or talk to?
Would you like me to read to you, or put on some music?
Is there a food you’ve been craving?
Are you scared? Do you want to talk about it?
What’s been the hardest part of being sick?
What’s helping you get through the day?
Is there anything you’d like to do while you still can?
Do you want me to just sit with you for a while?

If you’re visiting someone who is receiving end of life care then our guide on what to say to someone in hospice has more ideas for these moments.

Questions About Faith, Meaning and What Comes After

Only ask these if they feel right. Some people find real comfort in talking about faith or what they believe happens next. Others would rather not, which is fine too.

Has your faith changed over the years?
Is there a prayer, verse or hymn that’s always meant something to you?
Would you like a minister, priest or chaplain to visit?
Would you like us to pray together?
What do you think happens after we die?
Do you feel at peace?
Is there anything you need to make peace with?
Is there anyone you’d like to forgive, or ask forgiveness from?
Where have you found meaning in your life?
What gives you hope right now?

Questions About Their Wishes

These are the hardest questions to raise but also the ones families most often wish they’d asked. Knowing what someone wants can save a lot of guessing and second guessing later.

You don’t have to cover them all in one sitting. Sometimes it helps to start with “I want to make sure we get this right for you”.

Their Care

What’s most important to you about your care right now?
Where would you like to be at the end, if you get a choice?
Who would you like to make medical decisions for you if you can’t?
Do you have an advance directive or living will? Where is it?
Are there any treatments you’d want to avoid?
Who would you like with you near the end?
Is there anything you’d like us to tell the doctors or nurses?

If the family needs help starting this talk The Conversation Project has free guides for talking about end of life care wishes.

Their Funeral or Memorial

Have you thought about what kind of service you’d like?
Would you prefer burial or cremation?
Are there any songs or readings you’d like included?
Is there someone you’d like to give the eulogy?
Would you like a traditional funeral, a celebration of life or something else?
Is there anything you definitely don’t want?
Is there a charity you’d like donations to go to?
What would you like people to wear?
Is there a photo of you that you’d like us to use?
Is there a special place you’d like your ashes scattered?

Practical Things

Is there anything you’d like a particular person to have?
Are there any important papers or passwords we should know about?
Who should we let know, outside the family?
Who would you like to look after your pet?
Is there anything unfinished you’d like someone to take care of?

Questions to Ask a Dying Parent

With a parent there’s a lifetime of things you’ve never thought to ask. These can fill in some of the gaps.

What were you like before you had kids?
What did you dream about doing when you were young?
What was the hardest year of your life?
What’s your favorite memory of me as a child?
Was there anything about me that surprised you as I grew up?
What did your own mom and dad teach you?
What do you want your grandchildren to know about you?
Are you proud of me?
Is there anything you’d like me to look after for you?
What would you like me to tell my kids about you?

Questions to Ask a Dying Grandparent

Grandparents often hold the family history. Some of these answers may be the only record of where your family came from.

Where did our family come from, as far back as you know?
What were your own grandparents like?
What was the world like when you were young?
What’s the biggest change you’ve seen in your lifetime?
What was my mom/dad like as a kid?
Did my mom/dad ever get into trouble?
What did you do on your first date?
What’s a tradition you’d like the family to keep going?
Who are the people in the old photos I’ve never been able to name?
What do you hope your great-grandchildren will know about you?

Questions to Ask a Dying Spouse or Partner

These conversations can be the most special of all. Some couples prefer to talk about the life they shared. Others want to talk about what comes next. Let it be what the two of you need.

What’s your favorite memory of us?
When did you first know you loved me?
What’s the best trip we ever took?
What do you love most about our life together?
Is there anything you’d like me to do after you’re gone?
Is there anything you’re worried about for me?
What would you like me to tell the kids?
Is there a song that reminds you of us?
Is there anything you want me to know that you’ve never said?
How can I make today a good day for you?

Questions to Ask a Dying Friend

Friends can see a side of us family never does. Don’t be afraid to laugh together. A lot of people near the end want to talk about the good times not just the hard parts.

What’s your favorite thing we ever did together?
Do you remember the first time we met?
What’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened to us?
Is there anything you’d like me to tell our other friends?
Is there someone you’d like me to keep an eye on for you?
What should I do on your birthday every year?
Is there a story about you that you want people to keep telling?
What have I never thanked you for that I should have?

When They Can’t Talk Much Anymore

Near the end many people get very tired or find it hard to speak. Long questions stop working. Short ones that need only a nod or squeeze of the hand are the right way to go at this point:

Are you comfortable?
Are you in any pain?
Would you like some water?
Do you want me to stay?
Can I hold your hand?
Would you like the music on?
Would you like me to talk, or just be quiet with you?

At this stage it’s more important what you say to them than what you ask. Telling them you love them, thanking them and letting them know you’ll be okay can be a real gift. Our guide on how to say goodbye to someone who is dying has some words you can use.

Ways to Keep Their Answers

You won’t remember everything, however much you want to. It’s worth finding a simple way to hold on to what they tell you.

Ask if you can record. A voice memo on your phone is easy. Hearing their voice later can mean the world.
Keep a notebook by the bed. Family members can jot down stories as they come up so nothing gets lost between visits.
Write it up afterward. If recording feels too formal write down what you remember as soon as you can.
Go through old photos together. Pictures prompt stories in a way questions don’t. Write names and dates on the back as you go.
Video, but only if they want it. Some people love being filmed telling a story. Others really don’t, especially when they’re unwell. Always ask first.
Share with the family. A shared folder or group chat lets everyone add the stories they’ve heard.

The answers can help later too, in ways you might not expect. Many families draw on them when writing a eulogy or obituary, and they’re a lovely way to keep a loved one’s memory alive for younger relatives.

What If They Don’t Want to Talk?

Not everyone wants to look back or to plan. Some people are private. Some are scared. Some are just too tired.

If that’s the case try not to take it personally. You can offer once, maybe say “If you ever want to tell me about it, I’d love to hear”. Then let it be.

Being there still counts. Sitting together, holding their hand, watching their favorite show. You don’t need answers to every question for those last weeks to mean something.

And if you’re reading this after the chance has passed, please go easy on yourself. Most of us run out of time with someone before we run out of questions. Other relatives and old friends may be able to fill in some of what you wish you’d asked.