I’m incredibly lucky in that I haven’t lost a child. I’ve known friends though who have and I’ve learned from those parents that the grief that comes from it is like nothing else.
So these prompts come with humility. They are shaped by what bereaved parents have taught me about what helped and you should feel completely free to ignore any of them that do work for your loss.
Because losing a child does not follow any rules. It undoes the future you were promised.
The loss could be a pregnancy, a baby, a young child or a grown son or daughter. But the world lost someone and so did you and journalling won’t ever fix that.
But sometimes writing a little of it down gives the pain somewhere to go. So use these prompts to help in any way they can with your grief.
Before You Begin
A few things to keep in mind:
- Go slowly. This grief is bigger than any writing exercise and you are allowed to close the notebook whenever you need to
- There is no timeline you are behind on. Anyone who suggests you should be further along doesn’t know what they’re taking about, frankly
- Write your child’s name as often as you want to. Many parents find that the world goes quiet about their child and the page is one place their name can be said out loud
- If a prompt reopens something that’s too much for you then stop. You are the only judge of what you can face today
- You do not have to be strong here
Why Some Parents Find Writing Helps
Writing will not lessen how much your child mattered or how much they are missed. Nothing could.
But grief counselors who work with bereaved parents often suggest journaling for a simple reason. So much of this loss is dealt with in silence around people who do not know what to say. Writing is somewhere you can break that silence.
Putting even a tiny amount of it into words can loosen its grip on you very slightly. If you would like some words beside your own our collection of words of sympathy for the loss of a child and our poems about grief can be used alongside your journalling.
Prompts for the Worst Days
For when it is too much and you can only manage a line.
- Right now, in this moment, I feel…
- Today I got through by…
- The thing I most need someone to understand is…
- What I miss about you most today is…
- If I could tell you one thing right now it would be…
- My grief showed up in my body today as…
- The hardest moment of the day was… and I survived it
Prompts for Holding Onto Who They Were
Your child was a whole person, or a promise of one, and never only a loss. These prompts are to make room for them.
- Your name, and the story of how we chose it…
- The first time I held you, or first knew you were coming…
- Your favorite things were…
- The sound of you that I never want to forget is…
- A moment with you I will keep forever is…
- The way you changed our family was…
- What I loved most about you was…
- Something that was completely, uniquely you was…
Prompts for the Feelings that Frighten You
Parental grief can bring feelings that feel too dark or too shameful to say to anyone. Guilt that has no logic to it. Anger. Envy of other families. But know that none of this makes you anything other than a parent who loved.
- Something I feel guilty about, even though I know it was not my fault, is…
- I feel angry at…
- The question I keep asking that has no answer is…
- Something I have not been able to say to anyone is…
- When I see other families, I feel…
- The thing I am most afraid of as time passes is that…
- I need to forgive myself for…
Prompts for the Future That Changed
Losing a child is also the loss of everything you imagined for the future. These prompts are for that pain.
- The future I had pictured with you was…
- A milestone I grieve that you will not reach is…
- When someone asks how many children I have, I want to say…
- Who am I now, as your parent, is a question I answer like this…
- The date on the calendar I am dreading is… and what I might do to get through it
- The person I was before I lost you, and the person I am now…
Prompts for Staying Connected to Them
Bereaved parents often talk not about letting go but about finding a new way to keep going. The bond does not end. It changes.
- A way I want to keep your memory alive is…
- If I could write you a letter today, it would say…
- Something I want the world to know about you is…
- A way our family remembers you together is…
- Something I do in your honor is…
- What I want to say to you on your birthday is…
- You live on in me every time I…
You are not a chapter I have closed.
You are a name I still say, a candle I still light,
a love that did not end when your life did.
I carry you. I always will.
Final Thoughts
The grief of losing a child is not something anyone is meant to cope with on their own. Reaching out is not a sign that you are failing to deal with it. It is one of the wisest things you can do, for yourself and for the memory of your child.
Please consider talking to your doctor, a grief counselor or a bereavement support organization that specializes in the loss of a child. There are people whose work is to sit with parents in exactly this place. If your loss was during pregnancy or infancy, our page on miscarriage condolences has words for that particular heartbreak and if the loss was sudden, this page may help the people around you understand what you need.
