There are conversations in life we would give almost anything to avoid. Telling a child that someone they love has died is going to be very close to the top of that.
If you are reading this chances are you are facing that now or preparing yourself for it soon. I am so sorry. It is one of the hardest things a person can be asked to do.
I have sat with friends and family members in the hours before they had to break this kind of news to their kids. I have watched a mom rehearsing the words to try and make sure she got it right.
And while I haven’t had to do it personally I’ve learned from being with people in those moments. The most important thing is that while you won’t be able to make the pain go away there are gentler and clearer, more honest ways to do this that help a child feel safe rather than frightened.
This is more common than we like to admit, too. According to the National Alliance for Children’s Grief roughly 1 in 12 children in the US will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the age of 18. That is millions of kids and millions of grown ups who have had to find the words.
So please don’t feel not alone in this, even though I can only imagine it feels very lonely right now.
What follows is a practical guide to telling a child someone has died. Find whatever helps you in it. You know your child better than any article ever could.
Before You Tell Them: Preparation Goes a Long Way
You might not have the luxury of time but if you do have even ten minutes to gather yourself it will be worth it. A few things make a big difference beforehand.
Tell Them Sooner Rather Than Later
The instinct to wait, to protect them for just a little longer, is completely natural. Almost every parent feels it.
But children are far more perceptive than we give them credit for. They pick up on phone calls, red eyes and the feeling or mood that fills a house after a death.
If they sense something is wrong and nobody tells them what they will fill in the blanks themselves, and what they imagine is very often worse than the truth.
Telling them early also means they hear it from you, in a safe and loving way, rather than overhearing it from a relative on the phone or, worse, learning it from someone at school. So as hard as it is, try to tell them as soon as you reasonably can.
Choose the Right Person and the Right Place
Wherever possible the news should come from someone the child knows and trusts. That is usually a parent or primary caregiver.
If you are too overwhelmed to manage it yourself don’t feel guilty. You can ask another trusted adult to be there with you or to take the lead if you just can’t. Having a second familiar person in the room can also give your child someone else to lean on later.
Pick somewhere quiet, private and familiar. Their own home is usually best.
Turn off the TV, put your phone on silent and make sure you will not be interrupted. This is not a conversation to have in the car on the way to school or in between some errands.
Let Yourself Feel It Too
A lot of people worry if its okay for their child to see them cry? Yes. It is.
Your child needs to know that big feelings are allowed and there is no better way to teach that than to show it. Saying something like “I’m crying because I loved Grandpa so much and I’m going to miss him” gives your child permission to feel that sadness too.
You do not have to hold it all together for their sake. In fact a parent who never shows any emotion can accidentally send the message that we are supposed to hide grief away.
Use Clear and Simple Words
This is the most important part of the conversation. When you tell a child someone has died use the actual words: “died” and “dead”. As blunt as they sound to adult ears these are the kindest words you can use, because they are clear.
We like phrases we think will cushion the blow. “We lost Grandma” “She passed away” “He’s gone to sleep now” “God took her” But young children are so literal and these phrases can confuse and frighten them.
Think about it from their point of view. If Grandma is “lost”, a child may reasonably ask why we do not just go and find her.
If Grandpa “went to sleep and didn’t wake up” bedtime can suddenly become terrifying. If someone “went away” the child waits for them to come back and may feel abandoned or angry when they don’t.
Every grief organization I know of, from children’s bereavement specialists to hospital counselors, gives the same advice: skip the euphemisms and say what is true.
So instead of “we lost him” try “he died”. Instead of “she’s sleeping peacefully” go with “her body stopped working and she died”.
It feels almost too direct in the moment. But clear, honest words are best for a child.
Examples of What to Say
When you are standing there with your heart pounding, “use clear language” can feel like unhelpful advice. You want to know the actual words.
So below are some openings and scripts you can adapt. Please do not read these like a card. Make them your own, use the real names and let your voice do what it naturally does.
A Simple Way to Begin
Come and sit with me for a minute. I have some very sad news to tell you, and I want us to be together while I tell you.
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Something has happened and it is very sad. I need to tell you about it, and then we can talk about it together for as long as you want.
Telling a Younger Child
You know Grandpa has been very sick. This morning his body stopped working and he died. That means his body doesn’t work anymore. He can’t breathe or eat or talk, and he won’t be coming back. I’m so sad about it, and it’s okay if you feel sad too.
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I have some sad news. Our dog Bella died today. She was very old and her body was very tired, and it just stopped working. We’re going to miss her so much. You can ask me anything you want about it.
Telling an Older Child or Teenager
I need to tell you something really hard. Uncle Mike died last night. It was very sudden and we’re all in shock. I wanted you to hear it from me. I don’t have all the answers yet, but I promise I’ll tell you what I know as I find things out.
******************
There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to tell you. Grandma died this afternoon. I know this is a huge thing to take in. However your feeling right now is okay, and you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. I’m right here.
Give the Information in Small Pieces
You do not have to explain everything in one go. In fact, please do not try to.
A helpful way to think about it is like building a jigsaw puzzle. You start with a few pieces, the ones the child needs most right now and you add more as they are ready and as they ask.
For a very young child “Grandma died and we’re very sad” might be enough for the first conversation. That is not you dodging the truth. It is you meeting them where they are.
As the days and weeks go on they will probably come back with questions, sometimes at the strangest moments and each question is a chance to give them another piece of the puzzle.
Follow their lead. If they ask how the person died answer honestly but simply. If they wander off to play five minutes after you have told them, that is completely normal too.
Children often take in devastating news in small doses because that is all they can deal with.
How Children Understand Death at Different Ages
A three year old and a thirteen year old will hear this news in completely different ways, so it helps to know roughly what to expect. These are only rough guides, though. Every child will be different.
Babies and Toddlers (Under 2)
Even the littlest ones sense change. They cannot understand death but they feel the change in routine and the emotions of the adults around them.
What they need most is comfort, cuddles and as much of their normal routine as you can manage. Simple words are still worth saying, even if they do not fully register.
Preschoolers (3 to 5)
At this age children often see death as temporary or reversible, a bit like a character in a cartoon. They may ask when the person is coming back or ask the same questions over and over.
This repetition is how they process so try to answer patiently each time even when it feels hard to do so. This is also the age where literal thinking is strongest so clear words matter most of all.
Early School Age (6 to 8)
Children start to grasp that death is permanent and happens to everyone, which can bring on new worries. They may become anxious about their own safety or yours.
They are often curious in a very practical way and may ask surprisingly direct questions about the body or what happens next. Honest, matter of fact answers help settle them.
Older Children (9 to 12)
By now most children understand death much as adults do. They may want more detail, or they may pull inward.
Some worry about “doing grief right” or feel self conscious about crying. Reassure them there is no wrong way to feel and give them space to talk on their own terms.
Teenagers
Teens understand death fully but are navigating it alongside everything else that comes with those years. They may swing between wanting comfort and wanting to be left alone or they may look to their friends more than family.
Grief can show up as anger, withdrawal or throwing themselves into distractions. Keep the door open, check in without pushing them and let them know you are there whenever they are ready.
Answering the Hard Questions
Children ask the questions adults are too polite or too frightened to ask out loud. Some will floor you. Try to answer honestly and remember that “I don’t know” is a good enough answer when you really do not know.
“Are you going to die too?”
This is one of the most common questions, and underneath it is really a question about safety. A child who has just learned death is real suddenly needs to know they will be cared for.
Avoid promises you cannot keep like “I’ll never die”. Instead try something like: “Everyone dies someday, but I expect to be here for a very, very long time to take care of you. And if anything ever happened to me there are lots of people who love you and would look after you”.
“Was it my fault?”
Young children can believe their thoughts or behavior caused the death, especially if they once said something like “I wish you’d go away” when angry. Reassure them clearly and repeatedly that nothing they thought, said or did caused this. It is nobody’s fault and certainly not theirs.
“Where are they now?”
This is where your own family’s beliefs come in. Whatever your family believes about what happens after death it is fine to share it simply as long as you keep it consistent and not frightening.
If you are unsure or your family does not hold a particular belief it is okay to say “I don’t know for certain but here’s what I think” or “different people believe different things”. Children can handle honesty including the honesty of uncertainty.
“What happens to their body?”
Practical children ask practical questions. Keep answers simple and calm.
You might explain that when someone dies their body stops working completely and does not feel anything anymore, not cold, not pain, nothing. If a burial or cremation is happening you can explain it in plain terms thats right for their age. Your tone tells them this is a normal thing we can talk about.
What to Try Not to Say
Just as important as the right words are the phrases best avoided. Not because you will ruin anything if you do say one but because a little awareness helps.
- “Passed away”, “lost”, “gone to sleep”, “went away.” As covered above, these confuse literal little minds. Stick with “died”
- “You have to be strong now” or “be brave for your mom” This teaches a child to bottle up feelings at the very moment they most need to let them out.
- “At least they’re not suffering anymore” or “at least they had a long life” The word “at least” rarely comforts anyone who is grieving, child or adult. It can feel like their sadness is being ignored.
- “God needed another angel” or “they were too good for this world” Even when well meant this can leave a child frightened of being “good” or confused about why someone would be taken away
- “Don’t cry” Tears are healthy. Let them come.
If you would like a more in depth look at this we have a whole guide on what not to say to someone grieving that works just as much to children as to adults.
Remember That Children Grieve Differently
Do not be alarmed if your child’s reaction is not what you expected. There is a lovely idea in the world of child bereavement often called “puddle jumping”.
Where adults tend to wade through grief in a long, deep river, children jump in and out of puddles. One minute they are sobbing, the next they are asking for a snack or running off to play.
This is not them being cold or in denial. Its just how young hearts protect themselves, taking grief in little bursts.
So a child might cry, or go quiet, or get angry, or seem completely unbothered and go back to their game. They might act younger than usual, cling more, wet the bed, struggle to sleep or ask the same questions on a loop.
All of this is normal. What they need through all of it is lots of reassurance and permission to feel whatever they feel.
Should Children Go to the Funeral?
Many parents wrestle with this and there is no rule that fits every family. Generally children can benefit from being included in saying goodbye, as it helps make the loss real and gives them a sense of belonging in the family’s grief.
But you have to prepare them. Explain in advance what will happen, what they might see and that people may be crying. Then let them choose, if they are old enough, and never force it.
If they do attend it helps to have a trusted adult whose only job is to look after that child, ready to step out with them if it becomes too much. If they would rather not go thats okay too and you can help them find their own way to say goodbye, perhaps by drawing a picture, lighting a candle or planting something.
Looking After Them and Yourself in the Days After
The conversation is only the beginning. Grief happens slowly and children need ongoing support as they go back to their loss again and again over months and even years. A few things that help:
- Keep routines as steady as you can. Regular mealtimes, bedtimes and school give a grieving child a comforting sense of normal when everything else is upside down.
- Keep talking about the person who died. Say their name. Share happy memories. Look at photos. Children take their cue from you and knowing it’s okay to remember someone out loud will help.
- Watch for grief showing up in behavior. Kids often act out their feelings rather than talking about them. A short temper or clinginess is usually grief in disguise, not misbehavior.
- Give them ways to express it. Drawing, writing a letter to the person, making a memory box or keeping something that belonged to them can all help a child hold onto their bond in a healthy way.
- Look after yourself too. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Looking to your own support network for help is necessary and part of caring for your child too.
If you are searching for words for your own grief in the middle of all this our collection of poems about grief and our guide to supporting someone who is grieving may bring a little comfort.
When to Reach Out for Extra Help
Most children find their way through grief in their own time. But sometimes a little extra support makes all the difference, and there is no shame in seeking it.
Think about reaching out to a doctor, school counselor or a child bereavement specialist if your child seems stuck in intense distress for a long period, talks about wanting to die, withdraws completely from everyone or shows a lasting drop in functioning at school or home.
There are wonderful organizations devoted entirely to this, offering free support to grieving children and the adults caring for them. Your child’s school can often point you toward local resources too.
Asking for help is one of the most loving things you can do. We gathered advice from more than two dozen professionals in our roundup of expert grief support if you would like more guidance.
Final Thoughts
No parent has ever got through this conversation without awkwardness or making some errors. What your child will remember is not your exact words you use. They will remember that you were honest with them and that you stayed close while they learned of something that would change their world.
Be gentle with them and please be gentle with yourself. You are dealing and coping with your own grief while helping them with theirs and that’s a lot for one person.
