Should Children Attend a Funeral? How to Decide and How to Prepare Them

Someone in your family or someone you know has died and now there’s a funeral to plan or attend. And with all that going on you’re wondering: should the kids come too?

Maybe you want to protect them from the sadness that comes with a funeral. Or you’re worried they’ll be scared, or that they’ll get restless and you won’t be able to grieve yourself.

Or possibly upset other people trying to grieve. Or maybe your child is asking to go and you’re not sure they’re ready.

There isn’t one right answer to this because it depends on a lot of different things. But in most cases children who want to go and are prepared for what they’ll see cope well and many are glad later that they were there. Being left out of a family goodbye can sometimes feel worse than being included.

So we’ll go through how to decide, what to tell your child beforehand, what to do on the day and more. If you haven’t yet told your child about the death start with our guide on how to tell a child someone died.

Table of Contents

Should Children Go to Funerals? The Short Answer

Generally, yes, if they want to and you can prepare them. A funeral is a chance for a child to say goodbye, see that other people loved the person too and understand that the death is real.

Children often imagine something far scarier than what happens. Seeing a quiet room, flowers, photos and people hugging can be less frightening than whatever they picture while waiting at home.

That said, it should be a choice, not a rule. Some children don’t want to go and if they’re not happy about it don’t force them. The key is to explain what it will be like and let them decide.

Things to Think About Before You Decide

Every child and every funeral is different. These questions can help you get to a decision.

How close were they to the person? A child who loved Grandpa will usually benefit more from being there than one who barely knew a distant relative.
Do they want to go? Ask them, once you’ve explained what happens. Their answer matters a lot.
What kind of service is it? A short service at a funeral home is very different from a long religious mass, a graveside burial in the cold or an open casket viewing.
How was the death? If the death was sudden or traumatic, the mood may be heavier. Children can still attend but you may want to keep it shorter or skip some parts.
Who will look after them? If you’re a close family member, you may need to focus on your own grief or on greeting people. Having another trusted adult there just for your child makes a big difference.
What does the family want? Most families welcome children. Occasionally a family asks for an adults-only service, and that should be respected.

Is My Child Old Enough? A Guide by Age

There’s no minimum age. These are general patterns and you know your own child best.

Babies and Toddlers

They won’t understand what’s happening but there’s no harm in them being there. Families often find a baby comforting to have around. The main question is practical: can someone take them out if they cry or need something?

Preschoolers (About 3 to 5)

Young children often don’t yet understand that death is permanent. They may ask the same questions again and again or ask when the person is coming back. That’s normal.

They can attend but keep it short if you can and have a plan to step out. Give very simple, concrete explanations.

School Age Children (About 6 to 12)

Children this age usually understand that death is final and may have lots of questions about the body, the casket and what happens next. Give them an honest answer.

This is often the age where being included matters most to them. Many like having a small job to do (more on that below).

Teenagers

Teens understand death much like adults do though they may show their grief very differently. Some will want to be closely involved. Others will want to hang back with friends.

Let them decide whether to attend. Respect their choice either way and don’t force them to view the body or speak if they don’t want to.

How to Prepare Your Child Before the Funeral

Preparation is the thing that helps most. Children cope much better when nothing comes as a surprise.

Talk to them a day or two before in a calm and quiet moment. Use plain words like “died” and “dead” rather than “sleeping” or “lost” which can confuse young children or make them afraid of going to sleep.

Things to explain:

Where it will be, how long it will roughly last and who will be there.
That a funeral is a time for people to say goodbye and remember the person together.
That the person’s body will be in a special box called a casket (or that their ashes may be in a container called an urn).
Whether the casket will be open or closed and what that means.
That people may cry and that’s okay. Some people may also laugh when they share happy stories and that’s okay too.
What they’ll be expected to do (like sitting quietly) and when they can talk.
If there’s a burial that the casket will be lowered into the ground.
That they can ask you anything, before, during or after.

If you can, visit the funeral home or church beforehand, or look at photos of it online together. A familiar place feels much less scary.

What to Say When Explaining the Funeral

These are some simple ways to put it. Make them appropriate for your child’s age and your family’s beliefs.

“On Saturday we’re going to Grandma’s funeral. That’s where everyone who loved her gets together to say goodbye.”
“When someone dies, their body stops working. It can’t feel cold or hurt anymore.”
“Grandpa’s body will be lying in a special box called a casket. He’ll look like he’s asleep, but he isn’t. He has died, and he won’t wake up.”
“A lot of people will be sad, and some will cry. Crying is one way we show we loved someone.”
“You don’t have to look at Aunt Jo if you don’t want to. You can stay with me the whole time.”
“There will be a part where people sit quietly and listen. It might feel long, so we’ll bring a little book for you.”
“After the service, we’ll go to the cemetery. That’s where Grandpa’s body will be buried in the ground, and we can visit him there.”
“If you feel scared or want a break, just squeeze my hand and we’ll go outside together.”
“You can ask me any question you want, even if it feels strange.”
“It’s okay to feel sad, and it’s also okay if you don’t feel sad right now. Everyone feels different.”

Give Them a Choice About Viewing the Body

An open casket is the part many parents worry about most. Some children want to see the person one last time. Others really don’t.

Describe what they’ll see before they decide. The person will be lying still, may look a little different and will feel cool if touched. Then let them choose whether to go up, look from a distance or skip it entirely.

If they do want to go up, walk with them and hold their hand. Keep it short. They might want to leave something in the casket like a drawing or a note which can be a lovely way to say goodbye.

Give Them a Small Role

Many children feel better when they have something to do rather than just watching. A small job helps them feel part of things.

Ideas that work well:

Draw a picture or write a short note to place in the casket or on the memorial table.
Help pick out photos for a picture board.
Hand out programs at the door with a grown up.
Choose a flower to place on the casket or at the graveside.
Light a candle during the service.
Help choose a song the person loved.
Older children and teens may want to read a short poem or share a memory. Only if they offer never because they feel they have to.

If your child would like to write something our grief journal ideas for kids include some gentle prompts that can help them get started.

On the Day: Tips

Bring a “buddy”. Ask a friend, babysitter or relative who isn’t as close to the person to be your child’s helper for the day. They can take them out for a walk if needed so you can stay.
Sit near an aisle or the back. It makes it easy to slip out quietly.
Pack a small bag. Quiet toys, a coloring book, snacks, water and tissues.
Dress them comfortably. Neat and muted is nice but it doesn’t need to be formal. Our guide on what to wear to a funeral has more ideas.
Keep it flexible. They don’t have to stay for everything. Some families bring children to the service but not the burial or just to the reception afterward.
Check in with them. A quick “How are you doing?” or a hand squeeze now and then.
Don’t worry about fidgeting or questions. A child whispering “Is Grandma in there?” is not a problem. People at funerals are almost always kind about children.

The gathering after the funeral can be a nice part of the day for kids. There’s food, other children and people telling happy stories. Our guide on funeral reception etiquette goes through what to expect there.

Words to Use During and After the Funeral

Children often ask questions at unexpected moments. Short, honest and calm answers are best. A few ways you can say what you need to that can help:

“I’m sad too. It’s okay for us to be sad together.”
“Those people are crying because they loved Grandpa very much.”
“No, it didn’t hurt him. His body doesn’t feel anything anymore.”
“I don’t know the answer to that, but we can think about it together.”
“You did a really good job today. I’m proud of you.”
“Would you like to say goodbye in your own way? You could whisper something or just think it.”
“We’ll always remember her. Let’s tell each other our favorite memory.”
“It’s okay to laugh and play, even today. Grandma would want you to.”

If you’re not sure what to say to other grieving adults while you’re there our page on what to say at a funeral has lots of examples.

What If My Child Doesn’t Want to Go?

Don’t force it. A child who is made to go against their will can find the experience upsetting and it doesn’t help them grieve.

Ask why they don’t want to go. Sometimes it’s a specific worry, like seeing the body, that you can work around. If they still say no that’s fine.

There are other ways for them to say goodbye:

Send a drawing or letter with you to place in the casket.
Visit the grave or memorial spot together later when things are quieter.
Light a candle at home at the same time as the service.
Look through photos and share memories together.
Plant a flower or tree in the person’s memory.

Let them know they can change their mind and that you’ll tell them all about it afterward if they want. Some children who skip the funeral ask about it for months, so be ready to talk.

When It Might Be Better for a Child to Stay Home

Most of the time children can attend. But there are a few situations where it may be kinder to keep them at home or include them in only part of the day:

They clearly don’t want to go, even after you’ve talked it through.
No adult will be free to look after them and the closest adults will be too overwhelmed.
The service is expected to be very long, or the burial is in bad weather and they’re very young.
The death was violent or traumatic and you’re worried about what might be said or seen. In this case it’s worth getting advice from a grief counselor.
The family has asked for adults only.

After the Funeral

The funeral isn’t the end of a child’s grief. Kids often grieve in bursts, sad one minute and running off to play the next. That’s normal and healthy.

Over the next few weeks check in with them. Ask what they remember about the day and if they have any questions.

Keep the person’s name in everyday conversation so they know it’s okay to talk about them. Our post on how to keep a loved one’s memory alive has some ideas that work well for families.

If your child seems to be struggling a lot or for a long time talk to their doctor or school counselor. The Dougy Center also has resources for grieving children and the adults supporting them.

Quick Checklist

Explain what a funeral is and what they’ll see, in simple words.
Let them help decide whether to go.
Give them a choice about the open casket.
Offer a small job if they’d like one.
Bring a trusted adult to be their helper.
Pack quiet activities and snacks.
Sit where you can step out easily.
Talk about the day afterward and keep answering questions.

Deciding whether to bring a child to a funeral is hard, especially when you’re grieving yourself. Whatever you decide the fact that you’re thinking it through this carefully says a lot about how much you care.

Children don’t need to be shielded from every sad thing. They need someone close by and permission to feel however they feel. If you can give them that it’ll be fine.