Being told you don’t have long left is one of the hardest things a person can face. And once the first shock starts to settle so many people decide they want to leave something behind for the people they love.
A letter.
Something their family can hold onto long after they’re gone.
Writing a goodbye letter when you’re dying isn’t easy. But it can be one of the most meaningful things you ever do, both for you and for the people who will read it one day.
If you’re not sure where to begin that’s very normal. The best thing to do is to rake it slowly.
This guide can be a good place to start and will take you through how to write the letter in the kindest way possible.
Why Write a Goodbye Letter at All
You might be wondering if it’s even worth it. Maybe your family already knows how you feel. Maybe saying it out loud feels too painful or you keep putting it off because it will make everything feel so final.
But the people you leave behind will read your words over and over. On birthdays. On the hardest days. On the days they just miss the sound of your voice.
A letter becomes something they can return to whenever they need you. That’s something very special.
Writing it can help you too. A lot of people find that getting their thoughts down brings a surprising amount of peace.
It’s a chance to say the things left unsaid, to make sense of your own life and to feel like you’ve handed something forward. This kind of letter is sometimes called a legacy letter or an ethical will and hospice teams have helped people write them for years because of how much comfort they bring on both sides.
If you’re the one caring for someone who is dying rather than facing it yourself you may find our guide on how to say goodbye to someone who is dying more helpful to read with this one.
Before You Start Writing
A little planning will make it easier. You don’t have to get any of this perfect but deciding on a a few things up front make the whole thing feel less overwhelming.
Decide Who Each Letter Is For
Some people write one letter to their whole family. Others write a separate letter for each person which lets you say things that are just for them.
Both work well and it’s fine to go with either. If you have the energy and time for individual letters they tend to mean the most because your husband, your daughter and your best friend all need to hear different things from you.
If writing several letters feels like too much then just start with one. You can always add more later.
Give Yourself Permission to Take Your Time
You do not have to write it all in one sitting. Most people don’t.
Keep a notebook nearby and jot things down as they come to you. The best lines and things you want to say often occur to you when you’re not trying. Some days the words will flow and some days they won’t.
Write by Hand if You Can
Your own handwriting will mean the world to the people who love you. Years from now, seeing the way you looped your letters or crossed your t’s will bring them straight back to you.
But If holding a pen is hard then don’t for odd it. Type it or ask someone you trust to write down your words as you say them. What matters most is that the words are yours.
What to Include in a Goodbye Letter
You don’t have to follow any sort of formula (because there isn’t one) and you should feel free to ignore any of this that doesn’t fit. But if you’re not sure how to begin then these are the things people most often want to say and most often wish they had.
Start With How You Feel About Them
Don’t spend too long on the opening. The simplest words are usually the truest ones.
Tell them what they’ve meant to you and how much you love them. You might begin with something like “There are so many things I want you to know” or “Where do I even begin with everything you’ve given me.” Just start as once you get going the rest tends to follow easily.
Share a Memory or Two
Specific memories are what people treasure most. Not the big obvious ones but the smaller everyday moments.
Things you might not even make note of – the way you used to make pancakes on a Sunday. That road trip when the car broke down. The ordinary days are the ones they’ll miss the most so try to put a few of them into words.
Say the Things You’ve Never Said
This is your chance to say what’s you always wanted to. Maybe there’s a thank you you never quite got around to. Maybe an apology, or a hurt you’d like to settle before you go.
Letters are a great that way. They let you say the hard things without the fear of saying them face to face and they give the other person time to take it in.
Offer Reassurance and Permission to Grieve
One of the kindest things you can do is let them know they’re allowed to be okay again one day. So many people carry guilt about laughing or moving forward after losing someone.
Tell them you want them to be happy. Tell them it’s alright to cry and it’s alright to smile. Give them your blessing to keep living fully and to move on. It lifts a weight they may not even realize they’re carrying.
Pass on Something They Can Keep
Think about what you’d want them to take with them through life. A piece of advice. A hope you have for them. A value you’ve always lived by.
This is the part that turns a goodbye into something that keeps giving long after the letter is written. It’s the wisdom only you can pass on.
End With Love
Make the last line be filled with love. A final few words they can read on the days they miss you most. Something like “I’ll be with you always” or “Loving you was the best thing I ever did”. Keep it simple.
Things You Might Want to Say (Examples You Can Use)
Sometimes you know exactly what you feel but not how to say it. There’s no shame in borrowing a line and making it your own.
Below are some to help you get started grouped by the part of the letter they suit. If you’d like more our collection of goodbye quotes has more options you can looo to.
Ways to Open
- There’s so much I want to say and never quite enough time to say it, so let me start here.
- If you’re reading this, then I’ve gone on ahead. But I couldn’t leave without telling you a few things.
- I’ve started this letter a hundred times in my head. Here’s my best try at getting it onto paper.
- Before anything else, I need you to know how deeply loved you have always been.
Lines About Love and Gratitude
- Thank you for every ordinary day. They turned out to be the ones I treasured most.
- You made my life so much richer than it would have been without you.
- Loving you has been the greatest privilege of my life.
- I don’t have any regrets when it comes to us, and that’s because of you.
- Being your mom (or dad, or friend) is the thing I’m proudest of.
Lines That Give Them Permission to Keep Going
- Please don’t put your life on hold for grief. Live it fully, for both of us.
- It’s okay to laugh again. It’s okay to be happy. That’s exactly what I want for you.
- Missing me is allowed, but so is moving forward. You have my blessing to do both.
- Carry me with you, but don’t let me hold you back.
Ways to Close
- I’ll be with you in every sunrise and every quiet moment. Just look for me.
- All my love, always and forever.
- Until we meet again, keep me in your heart.
- Loving you was the best thing I ever did.
A Short Sample Goodbye Letter
Seeing a fully written letter laid out can make writing your own feel less daunting and give you ideas of what it will look like. This is a short example you’re welcome to use as a starting point. Change the names and add in your own memories.
My darling Kate,
If you’re reading this then I’ve slipped away, and I’m sorry I couldn’t say all of this to your face. Some things are easier written down.
First, thank you. Thank you for thirty years of morning coffee and terrible jokes and holding my hand through every hard thing life threw at us. You were my home. I never once doubted that I was loved, and that’s the greatest gift a person can be given.
I keep thinking about that little cottage we rented the summer the roof leaked. We were soaked through and we couldn’t stop laughing. That’s the version of us I’m taking with me.
Here’s what I need you to hear. I want you to be happy. Not one day, when enough time has passed, but truly happy again. Cry as much as you need to, then go and live. Travel. Plant that garden. Say yes to things. Do it for both of us.
You were the best part of my whole life. I’ll be with you in the quiet moments, and I’ll be so proud of you, always.
All my love, forever,
Tom
Writing to Specific People in Your Life
What you say will probably change depending on who you’re writing to. The following prompts are for the people you might want to reach.
To a Husband or Wife
This is often the hardest letter and the most important one. Reassure them, thank them for the life you built and give them permission to find happiness again.
That last part is so important. Partners often have the most guilt about moving forward and hearing you release them from it can change everything.
To Your Children
Whether they’re small or grown your children will read your letter for the rest of their lives. Tell them how proud you are. Share the values you hope they’ll carry.
If they’re young you might even write a few short letters for them to open at big moments you’ll miss, like a graduation or a wedding day.
To a Parent
If you’re leaving a parent behind thank them for raising you and reassure them they did a good job. No parent should have to say goodbye to a child and your words can be an enormous comfort in a loss that feels so cruel.
To a Close Friend
Friends don’t always get the goodbye they deserve. Tell them what their friendship meant, recall the best times you shared and the laughs you’ve had and let them know they mattered. It’s a letter they’ll never forget receiving.
If you’d like to see how heartfelt letters of this kind look our sympathy letter samples and examples can give you a feel for the flow and tone, even though they’re written from the other direction.
What if the Words Won’t Come
Some days you’ll sit down to write and can’t face it or nothing comes. Don’t worry about it. Its because of grief and exhaustion and the sheer weight of what you’re doing.
When that happens!try these small tricks. Talk instead of write, and record yourself on your phone.
Answer one simple question at a time, like “what do I want them to remember” or “what am I most grateful for”. Write to just one person rather than the whole world. And remember that a short letter that says enough is worth far more than a long one you never finish.
If it all feels like too much to carry alone then look to the people around you. A hospice nurse, a chaplain, a counselor or a trusted friend can sit with you while you write and many are glad to. You don’t have to do this by yourself.
Final Thoughts
Writing a goodbye letter when you’re dying is a brave thing to do. It shows the love you have for those special to you.
It won’t be neat and it doesn’t need to be. There will probably be crossings out and tear stains and sentences that don’t come out quite right. That will all be part of what makes it something your loved ones cherish.
No one will care if the grammar isn’t perfect. They’ll remember that you thought of them. That in the middle of everything you were facing, you sat down and made the effort to speak to them.
