The first day I went back to work after my dad died I sat in the parking lot for twenty minutes before I could make myself go in. I remember thinking how strange it was the building looked exactly the same.
Everything was carrying on like normal and that felt so odd.
If you’re reading this it means you’re probably about to go through something similar. Maybe your bereavement leave is running out or you’ve already told your boss a date.
You might be dreading it or part of you is desperate for the distraction. Whatever you’re feeling it’s normal to have a mix of emotions about going back to work after a bereavement.
This guide goes through what going back to work after a bereavement really feels like, what to expect in those first days and how to make it a little bit easier on yourself.
It’s written for a US workplace so we’ll talk about the realities of bereavement leave here, what your rights actually are and how to handle the awkward stuff you might not be expecting.
For more support we also gathered advice from 25 grief and loss professionals that’s worth reading.
What Going Back to Work After a Bereavement Feels Like
The one thing you need to prepared for is that the grief will be with you at work. You might expect to feel sad and you probably will.
But there’s a big list of things people don’t warn you about.
The incredible tiredness. The way your brain can’t hold on to simplest bits of information. The odd sensation that you’re watching yourself go through the motions from a few feet away.
One woman I read about described it as feeling like she had a flag sticking out of the top of her head saying “I’m different now” while everyone around her tried to figure out what to say.
Some days work will be something you cling to and need as a place where the world still makes sense and you have a task in front of you. Other days it’ll feel impossible, like you’re being asked to run a marathon with a broken leg.
You may find yourself feeling both of those in the same week. Sometimes in the same hour.
How Long Should You Take Off Work After a Death?
I wish I could give you a tidy number here. But it really depends on you, your relationship to the person who died, your job and what your employer offers.
There’s no magic amount of time that fixes grief and anyone who tells you otherwise hasn’t been through it.
It helps to know where you stand, though because sadly the US is not generous about this. There’s no federal law requiring paid bereavement leave at all.
Only a handful of states, currently California, Illinois, Maryland, Oregon and Washington require employers to provide it. Everywhere else it comes down to your company’s policy and your manager’s goodwill.
When employers do offer leave it is usually short. Recent survey data from the International Foundation of Employee Benefit Plans found most workers get somewhere between one and five days, usually around five for an immediate family member and fewer for extended family or friends.
The good news, if you can call it that, is that most employers who offer bereavement leave do pay for it. The bad news is that a few days is almost never enough.
Research suggests grief affects your concentration and memory for six months to a year, sometimes longer. So when you drag yourself back after three days and feel like you can’t string a sentence together two weeks later, that’s why.
If you have any vacation days or personal time saved up and you can afford to there’s no shame in tacking them onto your official leave. A few extra days can make a real difference.
And if you’re truly not coping then talk to your doctor. Depression and anxiety after a loss can count as a medical issue, which may open up sick leave options your bereavement policy doesn’t cover.
Signs You Might Not Be Ready to Go Back Yet
Only you can really judge this but a few signs are worth paying attention to before you set a date:
- You can’t get through basic daily tasks at home, like eating, showering or sleeping
- The thought of being around people makes you feel panicky rather than just nervous
- You’re still in the very early, raw days where you can barely form a sentence without crying
- Your job involves safety critical work where a lapse in concentration could hurt you or someone else
- You feel like you’re being pushed back before you’ve had a chance to arrange the funeral or settle affairs
One study found it takes an average of around 540 hours to settle the practical affairs after a death, and that’s before you’ve even started to grieve. If you need more time it’s okay to ask for it.
What to Expect in Your First Days Back
Knowing what’s coming makes it a little less scary. This is what usually happens when you walk back through those doors.
The “How Are You?” Conversations
This is the one most people dread. You’ll get a mix. Some coworkers will say something kind and simple.
Some will avoid you completely because they don’t know what to say and are terrified of upsetting you. Some will corner you with too many questions.
And a few, bless them, won’t even have noticed you were gone and will probably ask if you had a nice vacation.
Having to explain what happened over and over on that first day can be hard and draining. It catches a lot of people off guard. We’ll talk below about how to prepare what to say in advance so you’re not blindsided every time.
Grief Brain and Concentration
That fuzzy feeling has a name that grief counselors use all the time: grief brain. You’ll forget why you walked into a room. You’ll read the same email over again many times. You’ll lose your train of thought in the middle of a sentence.
Studies back this up, with the vast majority of grieving employees reporting real drops in concentration and focus after a loss.
Make sure you double check important work, keep a written to do list and don’t take on anything high stakes in your first week if you can help it.
Sudden Waves of Emotion
This can hit you out of the blue. A song on the office radio, a smell, a client with the same name as your loved one and suddenly you’re fighting back tears in the middle of a meeting.
This is completely normal and it happens to almost everyone. Having a plan for these moments, which we’ll get to next, will help you to feel more comfortable at work and be able to relax rather then being on edge and waiting for something to happen.
Exhaustion You Didn’t See Coming
Grief is physically exhausting. Add a full working day on top and you may find you’re wiped out by lunchtime.
Don’t be surprised if the first week feels longer and harder than any week you can remember. It does get easier as your body adjusts to the routine but pace yourself and expect to need more rest than usual.
How to Prepare Before Your First Day Back
A little bit of planning before you return can help you to feel more confident. You don’t have to do all of this but some of it will appeal.
Talk to Your Manager or HR First
Before your first day back have a conversation with your manager or HR. It doesn’t have to be a big formal meeting. A phone call or a quiet coffee works.
Use it to say how you’re doing, what you can realistically manage and what would help. If your manager is any good they’ll want to check in with you anyway.
If they don’t, don’t be afraid to start the conversation yourself. Asking for support won’t make you seem weak.
Decide What You Want Coworkers to Know
Think about how much you want your colleagues to know and how you want them to treat you. Some people want the loss acknowledged openly so it’s not the elephant in the room.
Others would rather keep it private and get on with the workday without constant reminders.
Whatever you prefer you can ask your manager to pass the word along for you. That way you don’t have to have the same painful conversation twenty times.
You might ask them to quietly let people know what happened or to ask coworkers not to bring it up unless you do. Either is completely fine.
Ask About a Phased Return
You don’t have to jump straight back to full days. Ask whether a phased or staged return is possible.
That might mean starting with half days, coming in two or three days a week at first, or taking on lighter duties while you find your feet. Many managers are open to this if you ask especially in the first couple of weeks.
Plan Your Escape Hatch
Decide in advance what you’ll do when a wave of grief hits at work because it will. Maybe it’s a quiet spot you can slip away to for five minutes or a walk around the block.
You could decide on a code word you’ve agreed with a trusted coworker that means “I need to step out”. Again, having a plan makes the day feel more easy to get through.
Getting Through the Working Day
Once you’re back a few things make it more manageable:
- Keep a written to do list so grief brain doesn’t derail you
- Take your actual breaks and take them away from your desk if you can
- Say no to extra projects and overtime for now without guilt
- Keep water and a snack nearby because grief makes it easy to forget to eat
- Line up one small thing to look forward to after work even if it’s just a bath and an early night
- Let yourself have a bad day without deciding it means you failed
- Look to the coworkers who gets it and avoid the ones who drains you
You’ll have a good day and think you’ve turned a corner then wake up struggling the next morning. Be prepared as thats how grief works.
What to Say When People Ask About Your Loss
Preparing a few short answers in advance will be something you’ll appreciate when it comes to it. When someone asks how you’re doing or what happened you won’t have to think on the spot. Keep them simple. You don’t have to give a full story and you can always share more with the people you’re close to.
These are a few lines you can borrow and make your own:
Thanks for asking. It’s been a hard few weeks, but I’m glad to be back and keeping busy.
******************
I appreciate you asking. I’m taking it a day at a time right now.
******************
My mom passed away recently. I’d rather not go into it at work, but thank you for thinking of me.
******************
It’s still pretty raw, so I might be a bit quiet for a while. Nothing personal.
******************
Thank you. Honestly, some days are okay and some aren’t, and that’s about all I can say right now.
If someone offers condolences and you’re not sure how to respond in the moment we have a whole guide on how to respond to “sorry for your loss” that might help.
If You’re the Coworker or the Manager
If you’ve ended up here because someone on your team is coming back after a loss, thank you for caring enough to look. The best thing you can do is small and consistent.
Acknowledge the loss simply, follow the person’s lead on how much they want to talk and keep checking in long after the first week when everyone else has moved on.
If you’re stuck we have guides on what to say to someone who is grieving and, just as importantly, what not to say.
For a written note our condolence messages for colleagues and example condolence emails to coworkers give you something to start from. There’s more on helping in our guide to supporting someone who’s grieving.
One more thing. Grief doesn’t end when the leave does.
Be considerate around anniversaries, birthdays and holidays which can really hit a grieving person months later. Our piece on someone’s first holiday without a loved one covers that harder season.
When Grief at Work Isn’t Getting Easier
For most people the fog slowly lifts. The days get a little longer between the hard moments. But sometimes grief doesn’t loosen its grip and if that’s happening you shouldn’t ignore it or try and push through.
If after several months you’re still unable to function at work or if you’re withdrawing from everyone or if you’re having thoughts that frighten you, please talk to someone. Your doctor is a good first step and can point you toward grief counseling or other support.
Lots of companies also have an Employee Assistance Program, often called an EAP, that offers a few free confidential counseling sessions. It’s usually buried in your benefits paperwork or a quick question to HR away and a lot of people never realize it’s there.
Reaching out for help is one of the strongest things you can do. If you’d like a starting point our page of expert grief support gathers advice from professionals who do this work every day.
This is a sensitive area and if you’re struggling badly right now a doctor or a mental health professional can give you the kind of support a website never can.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long should you take off work after a death?
There’s no set answer, and no amount of time truly fixes grief. In the US most bereavement leave runs one to five days, with around five days being common for an immediate family member. If you can add vacation or personal days, or arrange a phased return, give yourself as much time as you reasonably can. If you’re really not coping, your doctor may be able to sign you off on sick leave.
Is bereavement leave paid in the US?
There’s no federal law requiring paid bereavement leave. Only a few states, currently California, Illinois, Maryland, Oregon and Washington, mandate it. Where employers do offer it, most make it paid, but the number of days and the pay depend entirely on company policy and, in some cases, state law. Check your employee handbook or ask HR.
How do I tell my coworkers about my loss?
You get to decide how much to share and how. Many people find it easiest to ask their manager or HR to quietly pass the word along, so they don’t have to repeat the news over and over. You can also ask coworkers to either acknowledge it or leave it be, whichever you prefer. Preparing a couple of short lines in advance makes the in-person questions much easier.
What if I start crying at work?
It happens to almost everyone, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Have a plan ready: a quiet spot you can step away to, a short walk or a trusted coworker you can signal. Most people will completely understand. Grief comes in waves, and a few tears at your desk doesn’t mean you can’t do your job.
How long does grief brain last?
The forgetfulness and trouble concentrating that come with grief, often called grief brain, commonly last anywhere from six months to a year, and sometimes longer. It’s a normal part of grieving, not a sign that something’s wrong with you. Keeping lists, double-checking important work, and easing off high-stakes tasks in the early weeks all help while your focus slowly returns.
Final Thoughts
That first day back I really believed I couldn’t do it. But I walked in and I got through the morning, then the afternoon and then I went home. That’s all it takes some days. Just getting through.
You will get through this too, in your own time. Be patient with yourself, ask for the help you need and remember that dealing with grief at work is hard for everyone.
