When my gran died I felt lost and didn’t know what to do. So one evening I set a little candle on the windowsill, lit it and just sat there with her in my head for a while.
Nothing dramatic happened. But it helped to settle me a little and because of that I’ve lot a candle for her every year since then.
Lighting a candle in memory of someone you love is one of the oldest and simplest ways we grieve. You will find it in nearly every faith and in a lot of homes with no faith at all.
Having a ritual like this, be it for an anniversary, a fresh loss or a group gathering for a vigil, can be something very comforting.
So this is what a remembrance candle means when people light one, how to hold a small ceremony at home and what to say when you do.
What a Remembrance Candle Means
A remembrance candle is any candle you light to honor and remember someone who has died. That’s really all it is.
There are personalized memorial candles with names and dates printed on the glass, and there are cheap tealights from the grocery store. The flame is the same work either way.
The meaning behind it is something close to universal. Light has stood for presence, hope and love that outlasts a person for as long as we have kept records of grief.
In Christian tradition the candle points to Christ as the light of the world and to light overcoming darkness. In Judaism, families light a yahrzeit candle on the anniversary of a death and let it burn for a full 24 hours.
Even in homes with no religion at all the flame tends to say the same thing – your loved one isn’t forgotten.
I think part of why it helps is that grief is exhausting and we can feel stuck with it. A candle is a way of expressing that grief.
You strike the match, watch the flame and for a minute or two you get to just be with the person instead of getting on with the day. You don’t have to move on. You only have to sit there and let it burn.
When People Light a Remembrance Candle
There is no wrong time to light one. You can keep a candle going on a shelf and relight it whenever you need to. Or you might save it for the days that are the hardest for you. These are when people reach for a candle most often.
- A death anniversary. The date comes back around every year and a candle is a way to mark it. If you want words for the day too our death anniversary quotes go beautifully with a lit candle.
- A birthday. The first birthday after a loss is brutal and every one after is also very hard. Lighting a candle and saying a quiet happy birthday is a way to keep celebrating them. We have a whole guide to wishing someone a happy birthday in heaven if you need the words.
- The first holiday without them. An empty chair at the table is loud. A candle at the place they used to sit makes it a little easier. See our thoughts on the first holiday without a loved one.
- A funeral or celebration of life. A candle lighting is one of the most moving parts of a service. It gives the room something to do together. Our guide on what to say at a celebration of life works with a candle moment.
- Scattering ashes. Many families light a candle before or after they scatter as a way to bookend the goodbye. We cover the words for that in what to say when scattering ashes.
- A community vigil. One candle held among many turns private grief into shared grief. There is real comfort in a crowd that doesn’t need to say a word.
One organized event is worth knowing about. The Worldwide Candle Lighting, run by The Compassionate Friends, takes place on the second Sunday of December every year.
Families who have lost a child light candles at 7 pm local time, which creates a 24 hour wave of light as it moves through the time zones.
It started as a tiny internet gathering back in 1997 and is now believed to be the largest candle lighting on the planet. If you have lost a child or you love someone who has its a beautiful thing to take part in.
A Simple Candle Lighting Ritual You Can Do at Home
You don’t need a church, a chapel or anyone’s permission to do this. Some of the most meaningful remembrances happen alone at a kitchen table.
This is a simple structure that families use. You can stretch it to twenty minutes or keep it to two.
- Choose your candle. A plain white one is traditional and stands for purity but you can use whatever feels right. Their favorite color. A scent that smells like their kitchen. If a real flame worries you a flameless LED candle does the job just as well.
- Set an intention. Before you light it name what you are doing, even in a whisper. Something as small as “this is for you, Dad” will turn a candle into a ritual.
- Light it and pause. Take a breath. Watch the flame catch and settle. You aren’t in a rush.
- Bring one memory. Not the biggest or the best one. Something as simple as the way they laughed, a phrase they always used, how they walked into a room.
- Say a few words, or none. Speak to them out loud if you want. Read something. Or say nothing at all and let the flame speak for you.
- Close the moment. When you are ready either let the candle burn down safely or blow it out. Some people like to say “until next time” as they do.
The point of all this is not to perform anything for anyone. It’s so you have an action you can return to whenever you feel you need it. You can do it just once or every year on the same date. Maybe you’d prefer to do it every Sunday night. Whatever you like – it’s yours now.
Words to Say When You Light a Remembrance Candle
You have the candle and then your mind goes blank. So below are words for whatever the situation calls for. Read them as they are, change a line or just let them give you help for finding your own.
Simple Words for Lighting a Candle at Home
For a quiet moment on your own or with close family keep it simple.
I light this candle for you tonight. I miss you, and I am carrying you with me.
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This little flame is for all the love that didn’t stop when you did.
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I’m thinking of you today. This candle is my way of saying you are still here in every way that counts.
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For you, always. The house is quieter without you but the light stays on.
Words for a Candle Lighting at a Funeral or Celebration of Life
When you are speaking in front of a room being clear and keeping it short it best. You want everyone to know what the candle is for.
We light this candle in loving memory of ______. May its light honor a life that still matters to every one of us. Take a quiet moment now to hold a memory of your own.
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As this flame is lit, we remember ______ and everything they gave us. Let the light stand for the love in this room that has nowhere else to go today.
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This candle burns for ______. We carry their light out of this room and into the way we live from here.
If a candle moment is part of a larger tribute it goes well alongside a spoken word or two. Our guide to what to say at a funeral can help you figure out the rest.
Words for an Anniversary or Birthday
Another year has gone by and I am still lighting this candle for you. Some things don’t fade. You are one of them.
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Happy birthday. I’m lighting this so the day doesn’t pass without me celebrating you the way I always did.
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It’s been ______ years and this flame still finds you. Thank you for everything you were to me.
Religious and Faith Based Words
If faith is part of how you grieve the candle can carry a prayer. These are more Christian but you can adapt them to your own tradition.
Lord, as I light this candle I place ______ in your care. Let this light remind me that love does not end and neither does your presence. Amen.
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May the light of this candle be a prayer rising up for ______. May they rest in peace, and may we find comfort until we meet again.
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Eternal rest grant unto ______, and let perpetual light shine upon them. This candle is a small echo of that greater light.
For more in this vein our funeral prayers and comforting Bible verses both work well read beside a lit candle.
Words for Lighting a Candle for a Child
There are no adequate words for this loss. But if you are lighting a candle for a child either alone or as part of the Worldwide Candle Lighting, these might help.
This candle is for you, my ______. Too soon, too small a time and loved beyond all of it. Your light is still the brightest thing I know.
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Tonight I light this with parents all over the world who are missing a child. We are holding the same small flame and the same enormous love.
Short Words for a Group or Vigil
We light these candles for the ones we have lost. May no name be forgotten and may no one grieve alone tonight.
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One flame, many memories. We remember them together, and we remember them well.
Short Readings and Verses for a Candle Ceremony
Sometimes you want a few lines to read as the flame catches. I wrote these to be simple enough to say without your voice breaking.
And just like that the room is not the same.
The flame is small, the love behind it wide,
A little proof you never left our side.
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So we light a light to bring you close today.
Burn slow, small flame. Hold this room in gold,
For every story of them that will never grow old.
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This is the love that stays the same.
This is the light we keep for you,
And this is us, still missing you.
If you would like longer pieces to read!our collections of poems about grief and in loving memory quotes have more that suit a candle moment.
Ideas to Make the Ritual Your Own
The best remembrances are usually the personal ones. A few small touches make is something special.
- Choose a scent that reminds you of them. Their aftershave, the flowers from their garden, the pie they baked every fall. Smell reaches the memory faster than anything.
- Add a photo or a keepsake. Set the candle beside a picture, a piece of their jewelry or a note in their handwriting. A little station like this gives your grief a home in the house.
- Personalize the candle itself. Plenty of companies will print a name, dates or a short line onto the glass. “Forever loved, forever remembered” is a common favorite.
- Lay a place for them. At the holidays a candle at the empty seat says what everyone is already feeling.
- Write while it burns. Some people keep a small notebook by the candle and put down a line to their person each time. Over the years it becomes something they treasure.
- Do it with a small act. Light the candle and then do something they loved. Play their record, make their coffee, call the person they would have called.
If you are looking for a keepsake candle as a gift for someone who is grieving, our sympathy gift ideas has a few options.
Candle Safety
Grief affects your attention and a lit candle left unattended is the kind of thing that slips your mind when your mind is already full. So as a reminder:
- Never leave a burning candle alone and put it out before you sleep or leave the house.
- Keep it well away from curtains, paper, greenery and anything that catches.
- Set it on a stable, heat-safe surface where it can’t be knocked over.
- If children or pets are around, a flameless LED candle gives you the same glow with none of the worry.
None of this makes the ritual any less special. But safety is important.
Frequently Asked Questions
What do you say when you light a candle for someone who died?
Keep it simple and honest. Naming the person and speaking one true feeling is plenty, for example “I light this candle for you, Mom. I miss you and I’m carrying you with me.” You can add a prayer, a memory or nothing at all. There is no correct script.
What color candle do you light for the dead?
White is the traditional choice and stands for purity and the soul of the person who died. That said, there is no rule. Many people choose the person’s favorite color or a scent that reminds them of them, which can feel far more personal than plain white.
How long should a remembrance candle burn?
However long feels right. In Jewish tradition a yahrzeit candle burns for a full 24 hours on the anniversary of a death. At home you might light one for a few quiet minutes or let it burn through an evening. Just never leave it unattended and always put it out before bed.
When is the Worldwide Candle Lighting?
It falls on the second Sunday of December each year. Families who have lost a child light candles at 7 pm local time, creating a 24-hour wave of light around the globe. It is organized by The Compassionate Friends and has been held every year since 1997.
Is lighting a candle for someone religious?
It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. Candle lighting appears in Christian, Catholic, Jewish and many other traditions as a form of prayer and remembrance. It is also deeply meaningful in homes with no faith at all, where the flame simply stands for love, memory and a person who is still held close.
Final Thoughts
I still light that same type of candle for my gran every year. Nothing about it is fancy and I’m happy about that. It is a few minutes where I stop, remember and miss her.
That what a remembrance candle offers anyone. A small, flame that says a life was here and a love remains.
Whether you light one tonight, on an anniversary or with a room full of people holding candles of their own, you are refusing to let the light go out for that person.
If today is a hard day and you need a little more support our guide on supporting someone who is grieving and our grief quotes are here whenever you need them.
