When you’re planning a funeral there are a lot of small decisions and most of them come with a bill. But they’re usually very straightforward.
When it comes to the pastor though you can be forgiven for not knowing the correct etiquette around money. It’s a bit awkward. Do you tip the pastor?
It’s a fair question and a lot of families aren’t sure. You don’t get a list of who expects an envelope and who would be embarrassed by one.
The short answer is that you don’t usually tip the funeral director but it is customary to give the clergy or officiant an honorarium. A few other people who help on the day may also get a small thank you.
Below we go through each person, rough amounts, how to give it and some simple wording for the card. If you’d rather say thank you with just words then our guide on thank you notes for funeral home staff has lots of examples.
The Quick Answer
Here’s a rough guide to who usually gets something and who doesn’t. Customs vary by area, faith and family so treat it more of a starting point than definitive.
- Funeral director: No tip expected. A thank you note is a nice gesture though.
- Clergy or officiant: Yes, an honorarium is customary unless it’s already included in the funeral home’s bill.
- Organist, pianist or soloist: Usually paid a fee. If it isn’t on the bill pay them directly.
- Altar servers: A small tip is a nice touch but optional.
- Hearse or limousine driver: Optional. Some families tip, many don’t.
- Friends who act as pallbearers: No money. A thank you note or small gift instead.
- Volunteers at the church or reception: No money expected. A note or a donation to the group is a lovely way to say thanks.
Should You Tip the Funeral Director?
No, it isn’t expected. Funeral directors are professionals who are paid through the funeral home’s fees, a bit like a lawyer or an accountant. Most families never tip them and no one thinks twice about it.
Some funeral homes even have a policy against staff accepting tips.
That said, a good funeral director can help a family through one of the worst weeks of their lives. If you want to show your thanks then a handwritten note will mean a lot to them. Some funeral homes keep these notes and share them with their team.
If you really want to give something more, then a box of chocolates, a plate of cookies or a basket the staff can share is usually better received than cash.
Should You Pay the Clergy or Officiant?
Yes. This is the one where a gift is expected. It’s usually called an honorarium rather than a tip and it thanks the minister, priest, rabbi or celebrant for their time.
It’s easy to underestimate how much time goes into a funeral service. There’s often a visit with the family, writing the service or homily, the service itself and maybe a graveside committal afterward. Sometimes there’s travel too.
Check the Funeral Home Bill First
Before you give anything look at your statement from the funeral home. Funeral homes usually pay the clergy for you and add it to your bill as what’s called a “cash advance” item. The Federal Trade Commission’s guide to shopping for funeral services lists officiating clergy, organists and soloists as typical examples.
If the honorarium is already on the bill you don’t need to give a second one. A thank you card is still a kind touch though.
If it isn’t on the bill or you’re not sure then just ask the funeral director. They get this sort of question all the time and will know what’s usual in your area.
How Much to Give
There’s no set amount. It really depends on where you live and how much the officiant did.
As a very rough guide many families give somewhere around $100 to $300. If the officiant traveled a long way, met with the family more than once or led several services then people may give more.
If money is tight just give what you can. No member of the clergy wants a grieving family to struggle to afford an honorarium.
If It’s Your Own Pastor or Priest
When the service is led by the minister of a church the person belonged to things can work a little differently.
- Some pastors will decline a personal gift from a member’s family. In that case a donation to the church in the person’s name is a lovely alternative.
- In many Catholic parishes the family gives an offering to the parish and sometimes a separate gift to the priest. The parish office can tell you what’s normal.
- For a rabbi the family can give a donation to the rabbi’s discretionary fund or to the synagogue rather than a personal gift.
If you don’t know don’t feel bad about calling the church office to ask – “What’s customary for the funeral service?” They’ll be glad you did.
If the Officiant Is a Friend or Family Member
When a friend or relative leads the service they probably won’t expect money and might feel awkward being offered it. A card and maybe a small gift, like a nice meal out or something that reminds them of the person who died, is a better choice.
Musicians and Singers
The organist, pianist and any soloist are usually paid a fee for their time and rehearsal. Like the clergy this is usually paid by the funeral home and added to the bill, so check first.
If you need to pay them yourself ask the church office or the musician what their fee is. It’s normal to ask.
If they performed something special, like learning a song the family requested, a little extra or a note is a nice way to recognize it.
If you’re still choosing the music our list of funeral songs might help.
Other People Who Help on the Day
Altar Servers
In churches that use altar servers they’re often young people from the parish. A small amount, maybe $10 to $20 each in an envelope, is a nice thank you. But you don’t have to. The priest or church office can pass it on.
Hearse and Limousine Drivers
This one is optional. Drivers are usually employed by the funeral home and paid through your bill.
Some families like to give a small tip, $20 to $50, especially if the drive was long or the driver went out of their way to help. Check your statement first as a gratuity is sometimes already included.
Cemetery Staff
Tipping the grounds crew isn’t expected. If they’ve been especially helpful, for example with a graveside service in bad weather, a word of thanks or a note to the cemetery office is good enough.
Pallbearers
When friends or family carry the casket, it’s an honor, not a job, so you don’t pay them. A handwritten note afterward is the usual way to thank them and some families give a small keepsake like a boutonniere or a memorial card.
Our thank you notes for pallbearers have wording ideas if you’re not sure what to say.
If the funeral home provides pallbearers they’re paid as part of your bill.
Reception and Church Volunteers
Church groups, bereavement committees and neighbors often bring food, set up the hall and clean up afterward. They don’t expect anything but a thank you card and maybe a donation to their group or the church in your loved one’s name is a nice gesture.
There are examples in our thank you notes to a church after a funeral.
If you hired a caterer for the reception, tip as you would for any catered event. Check the contract first as service charges are often already included.
How to Give an Honorarium
You don’t need to make a big thing of it. A few tips:
- Put cash or a check in a sealed envelope, along with a short card.
- Write the person’s name on the outside so it doesn’t get mixed up.
- If it’s a check ask whether to make it out to the person or to the church. Some clergy prefer it go to the church.
- Give it before or after the service, not during. A quiet moment after the committal or at the reception works well.
- Ask the funeral director to pass it on if you’d rather not do it yourself. They often do this for families.
- It’s fine to mail it a few days later if the day gets away from you. It happens a lot.
- Ask a trusted family member or friend to take care of it if you can’t face the details.
What to Write in the Card
Short and sincere is best. You’re thanking them for the service and for how they cared for your family not writing an essay.
These are some lines you can use or adapt:
- Thank you for the beautiful service you led for Mom. Please accept this with our gratitude.
- We’re so grateful for the time and care you gave our family this week.
- Your words at Dad’s funeral brought us real comfort. Thank you.
- Thank you for helping us say goodbye to ______ in a way that felt just right.
- Please accept this small gift as a thank-you for everything you did for us.
- You captured ______ perfectly. We’ll always be thankful.
- Thank you for being with us at such a hard time.
- Your music made the service so special. Thank you for sharing your gift with us.
- Thank you for singing “______.” It was her favorite, and it meant the world to hear it.
- We know how much time a service like this takes. Thank you for giving it so generously.
- Thank you for all your help today. It made a very hard day a little easier.
- With our thanks and warm wishes, from all of the ______ family.
If you’d like a fuller note these work well:
Dear Pastor ______,
Thank you so much for the service you led for Mom on Saturday. You took the time to get to know her through our stories, and it showed in every word you said. So many people told us afterward how much it felt like her.
Please accept this as a small thank-you for your time and kindness this week. We’re very grateful.
With warm thanks,
________
******************
Dear ______,
Thank you for playing at Grandpa’s funeral. I know you learned “______” especially for us, and when we heard it, it felt like he was right there in the room.
Please accept this with our thanks. We’ll always remember it.
Kind regards,
________
******************
Dear ______,
We wanted to say thank you for everything you and your team did for our family this week. You made a very hard time so much easier, and you treated Dad with such dignity and care.
We won’t forget your kindness.
With gratitude,
________
For more ideas, see our guide on how to write a thank you note to a minister for funeral services and our main collection of funeral thank you notes.
A Few Common Questions
Is it rude not to tip?
Not for the funeral director, drivers or cemetery staff. Tipping them is a kind extra, not an expectation. The clergy honorarium is the one where people do generally expect something, unless it’s already on your bill.
What if I can’t afford it?
Then don’t worry about it. Funerals are expensive, and the people who work with grieving families know that. A sincere thank-you card is always appropriate, and no one will think badly of you.
Do customs differ outside the US?
Yes, quite a bit. In the UK and Canada, for example, officiant fees are often simply part of the funeral director’s quote. If you’re not sure, ask your funeral director what’s normal where you are.
Planning a funeral is exhausting, and this kind of question can feel like one weight too many. Please don’t let it keep you up at night.
Most of the people who helped you through this week did it because they care about families like yours. A simple thank-you, in whatever form you can manage, will mean a lot to them.
