If you know a funeral is coming up soon you might be worried that you won’t be able to keep your emotions in check. If you’re giving a reading or greeting people at the door it’s even more important you keep it together. Or you just don’t want to be the only person sobbing when everyone else seems calm.
First, remember that it’s okay to cry at a funeral. Nobody there will think less of you and most people will understand. Tears are one of the most normal things you’ll see at a service.
But there are good reasons to want to stay composed for a while. You might need to speak, look after children or support someone who is struggling even more so than you are.
So having a few tricks up your sleeve to help you be cope or stop yourself crying is something useful to have.
With that in mind these tips will help for the days before, the service itself and the moments when you feel it coming on. If you’re speaking our guide on how to deliver a eulogy without crying goes into more detail on that part.
Is It Okay to Cry at a Funeral?
Yes. A funeral is one of the few places where tears are completely expected. They show you cared about the person and families are often touched to see how much someone meant to others.
So the main goal here isn’t to never cry. It’s to stay steady enough to do what you need to do and to let the tears come at a time that feels right to you.
If you knew the person only a little you’re still allowed to be moved. Funerals can bring up older losses too and sometimes the tears are for someone else entirely.
Before the Funeral
A lot of what helps on the day happens before you even get there.
Let Yourself Cry Beforehand
This sounds backward but it works for many people. Give yourself some time alone the day before or that morning to look at photos, play a song that reminds you of them and let it out.
Grief that has been bottled up for days tends to come out at the worst moment. Releasing some of it first can take the edge off.
Know What to Expect
Surprises are what usually catch people off guard. Ask the family or funeral home for the order of service if you can and find out:
- Whether there will be an open casket
- Which songs or hymns are being played
- Who is speaking and roughly how long the service will be
- Whether there is a graveside burial afterward
If you know “the song” is coming third you can brace yourself for it rather than being hit by it.
Look After Your Body
Being tired, hungry or dehydrated makes everything feel worse. Try to get some sleep the night before, eat something that morning and drink lots of water.
It’s also worth skipping alcohol beforehand. A drink to calm your nerves can lower your guard and make tears more likely, not less.
Plan What You’ll Wear and Bring
Choose clothes that are comfortable and have pockets if you can. Our guide on what to wear to a funeral can help if you’re not sure.
Small things to bring with you:
- Tissues or a handkerchief, tucked somewhere easy to reach
- Waterproof mascara if you wear makeup
- Sunglasses for an outdoor or graveside service
- A bottle of water or some mints
- A small object to hold, like a smooth stone, a ring or a folded program
During the Service
These are the tricks you can use at the service. Not every one works for everyone so it’s a good idea to try a few to see what suits you.
Pick Your Seat Wisely
If you’re not in the family rows sit near the back or on the end of a row near an aisle. Knowing you can step out takes a lot of the pressure off and you’re less likely to feel watched.
Slow Your Breathing
When you feel the lump in your throat, your breathing usually speeds up. Try breathing in slowly through your nose for a count of four, holding for four, then breathing out through your mouth for four. Repeat a few times.
It doesn’t need to be obvious. Nobody will notice you breathing a bit more slowly.
Look Up and Blink
Tilting your eyes upward, toward the ceiling or the top of the room and blinking a few times can stop tears from spilling over. Some people find looking at a fixed point, like a light fixture or a window, helps them steady themselves.
Try the Tongue Trick
Plenty of people swear by pressing the tip of your tongue firmly against the roof of your mouth when you feel tears coming. Whether it works for everyone is hard to say but it’s discreet and worth a try.
Give Your Mind Something Else to Do
For a minute or two move your focus to something neutral. A few ideas:
- Count backward from 100 in sevens
- Name five things you can see in the room
- Read the small print on the program
- Silently go through tomorrow’s to-do list
This isn’t about ignoring the person who died but more of a short pause to get you through a hard moment.
Hold On to Something
Squeezing a small object in your hand or pressing your thumb and finger together gives your body something to do with the tension. Holding the hand of the person next to you works too.
Swallow and Sip
Swallowing can ease that tight feeling in your throat. A small sip of water or a mint can help if you’re allowed to have them.
Step Out if You Need To
There’s no shame in leaving the room for a few minutes. Go to the restroom or outside, breathe, wipe your eyes and come back when you’re ready. People do this at almost every funeral.
SEE MORE: What to Say at a Funeral
If You’re Reading, Speaking or Greeting People
These are the times people most want to hold it together but also the most likely moments for emotions to be too much.
If You’re Giving a Reading or Eulogy
Practice it out loud lots of times beforehand. The more you’ve said the words the less they’ll hit you or catch you off guard on the day.
It also helps to practice in front of someone as saying it to a real person feels different from saying it to the mirror.
Print it in a large font with lota of space and mark places to pause and breathe. If you haven’t written it yet our guide on how to write a eulogy goes through it step by step.
Have a backup plan too. Ask someone you trust to have a copy and be ready to step in and finish reading if you can’t. Just knowing they’re there often means you won’t need them.
If You’re Greeting Guests
Standing in a line hearing “I’m so sorry” again and again is exhausting. It helps to have a few short replies ready so you don’t have to think:
- Thank you for coming. It means a lot.
- Thank you. She would have been so glad you’re here.
- I really appreciate that.
- Thank you. Let’s talk more later.
For more ideas see how to respond to condolences.
If You Cry Anyway
Even with every trick in the book you might still cry. But that’s fine.
Id it happens this is how to handle it without feeling embarrassed.
- Pause, take a breath and let it pass. Most waves of tears ease within a minute or so.
- If you’re speaking it’s okay to stop, have a sip of water and carry on. People will wait for you.
- A simple “Sorry, give me a moment” is all you need to say.
- Don’t apologize over and over. Crying at a funeral needs no explanation.
- Laughing at a happy memory then crying a minute later is normal too. Grief doesn’t follow a script.
After the Funeral
You don’t want to hold it in for too long. A few hours will be fine but for weeks it’s a problem.
Once the service and the reception are over give yourself a chance to let it out. Talk to someone you trust, go for a walk, write down what you’re feeling or simply have a good cry at home.
If you’re supporting someone else who is grieving our page on how to support someone who’s grieving has ideas for the weeks ahead when its all over and the quiet sets in.
Quick Tips to Remember
- Cry beforehand if you can so less is bottled up
- Find out the order of service so nothing catches you off guard
- Eat, sleep and skip the alcohol
- Sit near an aisle or the back
- Breathe slowly and look up when you feel it coming
- Give your mind a small task, like counting backward
- Hold something in your hand
- Step out for a few minutes whenever you need to
- Have a backup reader if you’re speaking
- Remember that crying is allowed
Wanting to stay composed at a funeral usually comes from a good place. You want to honor the person, get through your part and be there for others.
But if the tears come, don’t spend too much energy fighting them. They’re a sign of how much that person mattered to you and everyone in that room understands.
