If you’re attending a wake or a viewing knowing how to act and what to do is important. For many people it’s their first time. Or it’s been years since the last and you can’t quite remember how it goes.
It’s normal to feel nervous. You don’t want to stay too long or too short, say the wrong thing to the family or feel awkward standing near the casket.
But you don’t have to be too worried because there’s very little you can get wrong at a visitation. Showing up is the main thing. Families rarely remember what anyone said but they will remember who came.
So this guide is to help you know what to expect, how long to stay and what to wear or bring. There are also some simple words to say to the family.
If the receiving line is the part that worries you most our guide on what to say when you meet the family in the receiving line has lots more examples.
Wake, Viewing or Visitation: What’s the Difference?
These three words get used almost interchangeably so it’s easy to get a bit confused. Different families and funeral homes also use them in different ways, which doesn’t help. So don’t worry too much if the invitation says one and people call it another.
Roughly this is what each one usually means:
- Visitation is a set time, often the evening before the funeral or an hour or two before it, when friends can come to offer condolences to the family. The casket may be open, closed or not there at all.
- Viewing usually means the casket is open and guests have the chance to see the person who has died and say goodbye.
- Wake is the older word. Traditionally it was held at the family home with the person laid out in the front room and people coming and going. Today many people say “wake” for a visitation at a funeral home and in some places it means a gathering after the funeral instead.
If you’re not sure what to expect check the obituary or the funeral home’s website. It will normally list the time, the place and if there’s a short service during it.
Should You Go?
If you knew the person who died or you know someone in the family well then yes, it’s almost always welcome. A visitation is the most open part of the funeral. Coworkers, neighbors, old school friends and friends of the family’s children all come.
You don’t need an invitation. If the details are in a public obituary, you can go.
The exception is when the obituary says the visitation is private or for family only. In that case respect it and send a card instead.
If you had a falling out with the person or the family it can be harder to decide. We cover that in is it OK to go to a funeral if you were on bad terms.
When to Arrive and How Long to Stay
Visitations usually run for a few hours and you can arrive any time during those hours. There’s no need to be there right at the start.
A few things help:
- Try not to turn up in the last ten minutes. The family will be exhausted and staff may be getting ready to close.
- If there’s a short prayer service or rosary listed then arrive before it starts or wait until it ends. Walking in halfway through is a bit disruptive and disrespectful.
- For a brief visitation right before the funeral get there early enough to greet the family before they need to sit down.
As for how long to stay – 15 to 30 minutes is plenty for most guests. Sign the book, see the family, pause at the casket if you want to, say hello to anyone you know and then go.
Close friends and family often stay longer, sometimes the whole time. Which is fine too. You’ll get a feel for it when you’re there.
What to Wear
Dress as you would for a funeral, maybe a touch more relaxed. Dark or muted colors, clean and tidy, nothing too casual. Business casual is usually safe.
If you’re coming straight from work in a uniform or work clothes that’s generally understood, especially at an evening visitation. It’s much better to come as you are than not come at all.
Some families ask for something specific, like a favorite team’s colors or no black. If the obituary says so then do your best to follow it.
Our guide on what to wear to a funeral has more detail.
What to Bring
You don’t need to bring anything. Your presence is enough.
That said, a few things are common:
- A sympathy card. There’s usually a basket or box for cards near the guest book. If you’re stuck on what to write our sympathy card messages can help.
- Flowers. Don’t carry them in yourself. Order them before and have them delivered to the funeral home. Our guide on when to send flowers after a death goes through the right timing.
- Food. Leave it at home for a funeral home visitation. For a wake held at the family’s house a dish or a plate of something easy is going to be welcomed. Use a container they don’t need to return.
If the family asked for donations in lieu of flowers give to the charity they named instead.
What Happens When You Arrive
Every visitation is a little different but most follow the same rough pattern. Knowing it ahead of time takes a lot of the nerves away.
1. Sign the Guest Book
You’ll usually find it near the entrance. Write your full name and add how you knew the person if the family might not know you (“Mary Jones, worked with Dan at the bank”). The family will look through it later, quite often more than once. There’s more on this in our guide to what to write in a condolence book.
2. Join the Receiving Line
The closest family members usually stand in a line near the casket to greet people. Wait your turn then speak to each one briefly. A handshake, a hug if you’re close, a few words and then move along so others can do the same.
If there’s no formal line look for the spouse, children or parents and go to them.
3. Pause at the Casket (If You Want To)
If the casket is open you can walk up, stand quietly for a moment and say a silent goodbye or a prayer. Some funeral homes have a kneeler in front of the casket specifically for this.
You don’t have to through. If you’d rather not see the person it’s fine to stay back and simply speak to the family. No one will think less of you or judge you.
Don’t touch the person unless you’re very close family and it feels right.
4. Mingle Then Leave
After that you can sit for a while, look at the photo boards and talk with others. Keep your voice low. Laughing and sharing happy stories is fine and is often a real comfort to the family.
When you go there’s no need to say goodbye to the family again if they’re busy with other guests.
What to Say to the Family
Be short. The family may be greeting hundreds of people so a sentence or two is perfect. They don’t want to be stuck talking for minutes when there’s so many other people to get to.
These are some simple things you can say:
- I’m so sorry for your loss.
- I’m so sorry. ______ was a wonderful person.
- I’m Sarah, I worked with your mom for ten years. She was so kind to me.
- I’ll really miss him.
- She talked about you all the time. She was so proud of you.
- I don’t know what to say, but I’m so sorry.
- He made everyone feel welcome. I’ll never forget that.
- We’re thinking of you and your family.
- I have so many good memories of her. I’d love to share some with you another time.
- I’m here for you, now and later on.
- Your dad was the best neighbor we ever had.
- She’ll be missed by so many people.
- I’m keeping you in my prayers.
- I’ll call you next week to check in.
- Thank you for letting us come and say goodbye.
If you didn’t know the person who died, only someone in the family, that’s very common. You might say:
- I’m so sorry about your grandfather. I wanted to be here for you.
- I never got to meet your mom, but I can tell how loved she was.
- I’m so sorry, Jen. I know how close you two were.
Sometimes you won’t need words at all. A hug or a squeeze of the hand can say it.
What Not to Say
Most mistakes come from trying too hard to make the family feel better. There are a few things that are best left unsaid:
- “I know how you feel”. Even if you’ve had a similar loss everyone’s grief is different.
- “At least he’s not suffering anymore” or “At least she had a long life”. These can feel like you’re shrinking the loss.
- “Everything happens for a reason”
- Questions about how the person died. If the family wants to talk about it, let them bring it up.
- Comments about how the person looks in the casket unless the family asks or you’re sure it’ll be taken kindly.
Phones, Photos and Other Small Things
- Put your phone on silent before you walk in and keep it in your pocket.
- Don’t take photos of the person in the casket unless the family has asked you to. Photos of the flowers or the room are also best skipped unless you know the family wants them.
- Don’t post about the visitation on social media before the family has shared the news widely.
- If you’re running late or have to leave quickly, that’s fine. A few minutes is still good.
- If you start to cry, that’s okay. Funeral homes always have tissues around and no one will mind.
Bringing Children
Children are usually welcome at visitations especially if the person who died was family or someone they knew well. Seeing everyone together can help them understand what’s happened.
Before you go tell them in simple words what they’ll see. Explain that the person will be lying still in a special box called a casket, that people might be sad or crying and that it’s quiet.
Let them decide if they want to go up to the casket. Stay close and keep the visit short for little ones. If a child gets restless or upset it’s fine to step outside for a bit or leave early.
Religious and Cultural Differences
Customs can vary a lot depending on the family’s faith and background. A few common ones:
- At Catholic visitations there’s often a vigil service or rosary during the evening. You’re welcome to sit quietly through it whether or not you’re Catholic.
- Jewish tradition usually doesn’t include a viewing. Instead people often visit the family at home during shiva after the burial.
- Some families hold an all night or multi day wake at home with people coming and going and plenty of food. In that case it’s normal to stay longer and help where you can.
If you’re not sure just follow the people around you or quietly ask the funeral home staff. They’re used to questions and will be happy to help.
A Wake at the Family’s Home
A home wake feels more relaxed but you’re still a guest in a grieving house. A few extra things help:
- Bring food or drink if you can, ready to serve.
- Offer to help with practical things like making coffee, clearing plates or answering the door.
- Don’t stay so long that the family feels they have to keep hosting you.
- Take your cue from the mood. Some home wakes are quiet but some are full of stories and laughter.
If there’s a meal or gathering after the funeral itself our guide to funeral reception etiquette for guests covers that part.
If You Can’t Go
Sometimes work, distance or health gets in the way. If so then send a card, a message or flowers and let the family know you’re thinking of them. A quick note saying why you couldn’t be there is kind but not essential.
There are some examples to borrow in what to say when you can’t attend a funeral.
Quick Do’s and Don’ts
- Do sign the guest book with your full name.
- Do keep what you say to the family short and simple.
- Do dress neatly in muted colors.
- Do introduce yourself if the family may not know you.
- Don’t feel you have to approach the casket.
- Don’t take photos or use your phone.
- Don’t ask how the person died.
- Don’t stay so long that you hold up the receiving line.
Walking into a visitation can feel strange and most people feel the same way. So try not to feel odd or self conscious. You don’t need perfect words or perfect timing.
Coming and being there is what’s most important. Weeks from now when the family looks through that guest book your name will be there and that means a lot.
