Finding out that someone you care about tried to end their life is a massive shock. You might feel scared, sad, confused or even angry.
But once you’re through that initial surprise and the fear had gone you then might find yourself worrying about what to say. Because it can feel like the wrong words could make things worse.
If you or someone you know is struggling, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US). Outside the US, contact your local emergency number or a crisis line.
But you don’t have to come up with anything particularly special. What most people need after a suicide attempt is to know they’re still loved, they’re not in trouble and you’re not going anywhere. A short message or few words can do that.
So below you’ll find things to say in person, by text or in a card, wording for friends, family and partners, longer notes, the things best left unsaid and simple ways to be supportive and there for them in the weeks after.
If you’re here because someone has died by suicide our guide on what to say when someone dies by suicide is written for that situation.
Before You Say Anything
A few things are worth keeping in mind before you reach out.
- Don’t ask questions, just be kind. “I love you and I’m glad you’re here” is a better start than “Why did you do it?”
- Don’t ask for details of what happened. If they want to tell you they will do so in their own time.
- Stay calm, or at least look calm. If you’re shaken that’s normal but try not to make them comfort you.
- Listen more than you talk. You shouldn’t be trying to or feel any pressure to fix anything or have answers.
- Keep it private. Its their story to share. Don’t pass it on to friends, coworkers or social media.
- Treat them like the same person you’ve always known. They’re still your friend, your sister, your son etc.
- Keep being there for them. The weeks and months after can be the hardest, long after the first visit or text.
If You’re Worried They’re in Danger Right Now
If someone tells you they’re thinking about suicide again, take it seriously, even if they say it lightly. It’s okay to ask them directly.
The National Institute of Mental Health says that asking people if they are suicidal does not increase suicidal behavior or thoughts.
You can say something as simple as “Are you thinking about suicide?” or “Are you safe right now?” Then listen without judging them. Help them to call or text 988 and stay with them while they do.
If you think they’re in immediate danger call 911 and don’t leave them alone.
If you or someone you know is struggling, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US). Outside the US, contact your local emergency number or a crisis line.
What to Say When You First See Them
The first conversation, be it at the hospital, at home or on the phone, is the one people dread most. So don’t make it anything too big. Be warm and give them a hug if they want one as it can say more than any sentence.
- I’m so glad you’re here
- I love you. Nothing has changed that
- I’m not here to judge you. I’m here because I care about you
- You don’t have to explain anything to me
- I’m so sorry you’ve been hurting this much
- I’m here. I’m not going anywhere
- We don’t have to talk. I’m happy just to sit with you
- I wish I’d known how much pain you were in. I’m here now
- You matter so much to me
- Whatever you’re feeling right now, it’s okay to feel it
- I’m really glad I get to see you
- Is there anything you need right now? Even something small?
Short Messages for a Text or Card
A text is often the easiest way to reach out especially if you’re not sure they’re ready for a visit. Let them know they don’t need to reply.
Our tips on how to offer condolences via text are written for grief but a lot of the same advice applies here.
If you send a card pick a blank one or a simple “thinking of you” card rather than “get well soon”. A few lines from our thinking of you quotes can work well alongside your own words.
- Thinking of you today. No need to reply, I just wanted you to know
- I’m so glad you’re still here. Sending you so much love
- You’ve been on my mind. I’m here whenever you want to talk
- No pressure to answer. I just love you and wanted to say so
- Sending a big hug. I’m around all week if you want company
- You’re not a burden to me. Not now, not ever
- I care about you so much. That’s all, really
- Just checking in. Even a thumbs up back is plenty
- I’m proud of you for getting through each day. One at a time is enough
- The world is better with you in it. I mean that
- I’m here, today and every day after
- Whenever you’re ready, I’d love to see you. No rush at all
For a Friend
Friends sometimes worry they’re not close enough to say anything. If you care then you’re close enough. Keep things normal where you can and remind them of who they are to you.
- You’re one of my favorite people. I’m so glad you’re still here
- I miss you. Can I come over and just watch a movie with you?
- You’ve always been there for me. Please let me be there for you
- I’m not going to treat you any differently. You’re still you and I still love you
- I’m bringing coffee on Saturday morning, unless you tell me not to
- I don’t need you to be okay. I just want to be around
- Our friendship means the world to me. That hasn’t changed one bit
- I’m here to listen, or to talk about anything else at all. Your choice
- Thank you for letting me know. I know that couldn’t have been easy
- I’ll keep texting, even if you don’t reply. You don’t have to
For a Family Member
When it’s your child, sibling or parent, your own fear and hurt can be huge. That’s completely normal. Try to save the hardest feelings for another trusted person and let your message to them be about love.
For a Son or Daughter
- I love you more than anything. That will never change
- You are not in trouble. I just want to help you feel better
- You can tell me anything, and I promise I’ll listen
- I’m so sorry you’ve been hurting and I didn’t see it. I’m here now
- We’ll get through this together. You’re not doing this alone
- Nothing you could ever do would make me stop loving you
- I’m so grateful you’re here. I’m so grateful you’re my child
- We can take this one day at a time. That’s all we need to do
For a Brother or Sister
- You’re my sibling and my friend. I need you around
- I’m here for you, the same way you’ve always been there for me
- I don’t have the right words but I love you so much
- Can we hang out this weekend? Just us, no big talks unless you want them
- Whatever you’re going through, I’m on your side
- I’m so glad I still get to annoy you for years to come
For a Mom or Dad
- I love you, Mom. I’m so glad you’re here
- I love you, Dad. You don’t have to be strong for me right now
- You’ve looked after me my whole life. Let me look after you for a while
- I’m not angry with you. I just want you to feel better
- I need you in my life. The kids need you too
- You can talk to me about anything. I’m a grown-up now, I can handle it
For a Spouse or Partner
Partners are often frightened and exhausted at the same time. It’s okay to tell them how much they mean to you. Try not to make it about whether they love you enough as that can add guilt they don’t need right now.
- I love you. I’m right here and I’m staying
- We’re a team. We’ll figure this out together
- You don’t have to pretend with me. I want to know how you really feel
- I’m so glad I get to keep waking up next to you
- You are so loved, by me and by so many people
- I’ll handle dinner and the kids tonight. You just rest
- I’m not going anywhere. You can lean on me as much as you need
- I’ll come with you to your appointment, if you’d like the company
For a Coworker or Someone You Don’t Know Well
If you’ve heard secondhand, be careful. They may not want people to know. A general, kind message without mentioning the attempt is usually the best choice unless they’ve told you themselves.
- We’ve missed you around here. Thinking of you and hoping you’re taking good care
- No pressure to be back before you’re ready. We’ve got things covered
- I’ve been thinking about you. If you ever want a coffee or a walk, I’d like that
- Glad to have you back. Let me know if there’s anything I can take off your plate
- Just wanted to say I’m glad you’re here. No need to reply
- Thank you for trusting me with this. It stays with me, I promise
Checking In Over the Following Weeks
The first few days usually bring visits and messages. Then life goes back to normal for everyone else and that’s when someone can feel the most alone.
NIMH lists following up as one of its five action steps, noting that staying in touch after a crisis or after someone leaves care can make a difference.
Put a few reminders in your phone for the weeks ahead. Our post on how to check in on someone months later is about grief but the same things work here as well.
- Hey, just thinking about you. How’s your week going?
- I’m heading to the store. Want me to grab you anything?
- I saw this and it made me think of you. Hope you’re having an okay day
- How are you really doing? You can be honest with me
- It’s been a few weeks and I just wanted you to know I’m still here
- Want to go for a walk this weekend? Fresh air and no big talks
- How did your appointment go? Only if you feel like sharing
- I know some days are harder than others. I’m around on the hard ones too
- Still thinking of you. Still in your corner
- Free for dinner Thursday? My treat
Longer Notes and Letters
Sometimes a handwritten note is easier than a conversation for both of you. They can read it when they’re ready and keep it for the days they need a reminder. Use these as a starting point and add your own memories.
Dear ______,
I’ve started this note a few times because I wanted to get it right. Then I realized there isn’t a right way. So here it is plainly. I love you and I’m so glad you’re still here.
I’m not going to ask you to explain anything. I just want you to know that I’m here, whenever and however you need me. Calls, texts, visits or just sitting in the same room saying nothing.
All my love,
________
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Dear ______,
You’ve been my friend for so long that I can’t picture my life without you in it. I hope you know how much you mean to me and to so many other people.
I’m going to keep checking in, and you don’t ever have to reply. If you need anything, big or small, at any hour, I’ll be there.
Your friend always,
________
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Dear ______,
I’m so sorry you’ve been carrying so much pain. I wish I’d known, and I wish I could take it away. What I can do is be here, and I will be.
Nothing about what happened changes how I see you. You’re still the funny, kind and thoughtful person I’ve always loved.
With love,
________
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Dear ______,
I wanted to write this down so you could keep it. You are loved. You are not a burden. You matter to me more than I can put into words.
Some days might feel heavy for a while. On those days, please reach out to me, or call or text 988. You don’t have to get through them by yourself.
Love you always,
________
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Dear ______,
We’ve all missed you at work. Please don’t worry about anything here. Take all the time you need, and know there are people who are looking forward to seeing you when you’re ready.
Wishing you rest and good days ahead,
________
What Not to Say
Most hurtful comments come from fear or shock, not wanting to offend. Still, some things can leave someone feeling ashamed or misunderstood. These are best avoided.
- “Why did you do it?” They may not know how to answer and it can feel like they’re being interrogated. Let them share when they’re ready.
- “How could you do this to us?” It turns their pain into guilt. Save your hurt for someone else.
- “That was so selfish.” People in that much pain often believe others would be better off without them. Calling it selfish only confirms the shame.
- “You have so much to live for.” It’s meant to be kind but can feel like you’re dismissing how they feel.
- “Other people have it so much worse.” Comparing pain never helps. Their feelings are real.
- “Just think positive.” If it were that easy they would have. It can make them feel like they’ve failed.
- “Promise me you’ll never do it again.” They may agree just to end the conversation then feel they can’t tell you if things get bad. “Will you tell me if you start feeling that way again?” is better.
- “I knew something was wrong.” Or “I had no idea!” Both make the moment about you.
- Jokes about it. Even if they joke follow their lead carefully and don’t start one yourself.
- Nothing at all. Silence can feel like being rejected. A simple “I love you” is always better than staying away.
Ways to Help Beyond Words
Practical help can do the talking for you without anyone having to get into feelings. Be specific as “let me know if you need anything” is hard for most people to take up.
- Drop off a meal or a few easy groceries. Many ideas from our list of care package ideas work just as well here.
- Offer rides to appointments or to sit in the waiting room with them.
- Help with chores like laundry, dishes or walking the dog.
- Invite them to low-pressure things like go for a short walk, a drive or a show at home.
- Keep including them in plans even if they say no a few times.
- Gently encourage them to stick with their doctor, therapist or treatment plan, without nagging.
- Learn their warning signs and their safety plan if they want to share it with you.
- Keep the 988 number saved in your own phone so it’s there if you ever need it.
Look After Yourself Too
Supporting someone after a suicide attempt is a lot to deal with. You might find yourself lying awake, checking your phone constantly or feeling guilty that you didn’t see it coming.
Talk to someone you trust, or a counselor. You can also call or text 988 yourself if you’re worried about someone or if you just need to talk it through. You can’t be their only support.
You won’t always say the perfect thing but thats not a problem. What sticks with people is that you were here for them, didn’t judge them and you kept coming back.
If you’re not sure where to start just start with “I’m so glad you’re here”. Then keep being there.