The first anniversary of losing someone is a strange and hard milestone. You spend the whole year getting ready for it dreading it and then when it finally arrives and you’re not quite sure what you’re supposed to do with yourself.
What helped me was writing. A year in remembrance letter was something I found to be a comforting way to mark the day.
It isn’t a card and it isn’t an obituary. It’s just you sitting down with a pen, talking to the person you’ve lost about the year that went by without them.
If you’re thinking about writing your own remembrance letter then this guide will show you how to write one, what to put in it and a couple of full examples to help get you started. You can keep it private and do it just for yourself, read it aloud at a small gathering or put it away somewhere meaningful. Whatever the reason for deciding to do it as long as it helps you it’s worth it.
What Is a Year in Remembrance Letter?
A year in remembrance letter is a letter written to mark the first anniversary of someone’s death. Most people write it to the person who died, almost like a one sided conversation. It usually looks back over the last twelve months since they passed and talks about what has happened or how they’ve felt.
Some people write it for a memorial service or a gathering of friends and family to quietly mark the anniversary and read it out. Others write it just for themselves and never show anyone. And some write it for a grieving friend, to let them know that first anniversary hasn’t gone unnoticed.
You don’t have to follow any set sort of template. It can be a single paragraph or three pages. It’s down to what you want to say.
Why the First Anniversary is So Hard
If you’re reading this in the run up the first anniversary after a loss and feeling worse than you expected that’s not uncommon. The lead up to an anniversary often brings a new wave of grief and if can sometimes come out of nowhere. It’s common enough that grief specialists have a name for it, the “anniversary reaction” or anniversary effect.
The first year is also the year of firsts, if that makes sense. Its the first birthday without them, the first holidays, the first time something really great happens and you reach for the phone to tell them before you remember.
By the time you reach the one year mark you’ve lived through all of it once. And that can weigh down on you.
Writing it down is a way to channel some of that emotion and be an outlet for it. You don’t have to feel better afterwards. You just get to say the things you’ve been holding onto.
How to Start Your Letter
The opening is the part most people get stuck on but try not to overthink it. Speak to them the way you always did.
A few simple ways to begin:
- Dear Mom, I can’t believe it’s been a year.
- Hi Dad. A whole year. I still don’t really know how that’s possible.
- To my darling _____, one year on and I’m still learning how to do this without you.
- It’s been twelve months today since I lost you and I wanted to talk to you.
- Hey. So much has happened this year that I never got to tell you about.
If even that feels like it’s too much then start by writing their name at the top and the just go with whatever’s in your head. You can tidy it up later or simply leave it as it is.
What to Include in a Year in Remembrance Letter
There’s no checklist you have to tick off but if you’re struggling with what go include these are the things that tend to come out once people start writing:
- The big things that happened this year and the ones you wish you could have shared with them
- The small and ordinary moments you find yourself wanting to tell them about
- How you’ve been coping. Talk honestly about the good days and the awful ones
- Something you’ve learned about yourself, or about grief, over the past year
- A memory of them that’s been on your mind lately
- Things you never got to say or wish you’d said more often
- How the people you both love are doing
- What you’re doing as you move forward: a promise, a tradition, a way of living they’d be proud of
You won’t fit all of that in and there’s no reason to try to. Pick from those what reflects how you’re feeling or you naturally gravitate to and go with that.
A Year in Remembrance Letter Example
Here’s a full example written to a parent. Use it as a starting point or inspiration for how yours could sound or be written. You can even use it as a template and put in your own memories, names, moments etc.
Dear Mom,
A whole year. I keep saying it out loud like that’ll make it make sense, and it never does.
So much has happened that I wanted to tell you about. Katie started high school and she’s the image of you when she’s stubborn about something. The garden you planted came back in spring and I cried a little when the first of your tulips opened. Stupid, maybe. But it felt like you’d left the light on.
I won’t pretend it’s been easy. There were weeks I didn’t want to get out of bed and weeks I felt almost normal, which somehow felt worse, like I was leaving you behind. I’ve stopped trying to do grief “right.” I just let the days be what they are now.
The thing I miss most isn’t the big stuff. It’s hearing you hum in the kitchen and the way you answered the phone like you’d been waiting all day for me to call. I’d give anything for one more of those calls.
I’m doing okay, Mom. Better than I was. I carry you with me in a hundred small ways and I think you’d be proud of how we’ve held each other up this year.
I love you. Always.
******************
And here’s a shorter one that’s written to a partner if you wants something briefer.
My love,
One year today. I still set two coffee cups out some mornings before I catch myself.
It’s been the hardest year of my life and somehow I’m still standing, which I think is mostly down to you and everything you taught me about getting back up. I’ve laughed again. I felt guilty about it the first time and then I remembered how much you loved that sound.
I miss you in the quiet. I miss you in the good news I can’t share. But I’m finding my way, slowly, and I carry you in every part of it.
Forever yours.
Writing One for Someone Else’s Loss
It might not be your loss you’re writing for but instead you want to reach out to a friend or family member on the anniversary of their loved one’s death. If so its one of the kindest things you can do.
A lot of people are dreading that first anniversary expecting that they’re going to have to go through it completely alone because by then the everyone has moved on.
You don’t need to write much. Just letting them know you remember is enough:
- I’ve been thinking of you today. A year since you lost _____ and I wanted you to know they haven’t been forgotten, not by me and not by anyone who knew them.
- One year on and I still picture _____’s smile. Sending you so much love today of all days.
- I know today is a hard one. I’m here, the same as I was a year ago. Anything you need.
- Thinking of you and remembering _____ today. Such a year you’ve come through. You’ve been so strong.
If you want more wording for the anniversary itself our death anniversary quotes have lots you can borrow or build from.
Short Year in Remembrance Messages
Not everyone wants to write a full letter. Sometimes a few lines on a card, in a journal or posted alongside a photo is enough.
The below examples are some shorter options:
- One year. Loved beyond words, missed beyond measure.
- A year without you and not a single day I didn’t think of you.
- Twelve months on and you’re still the first thought in the morning and the last at night.
- Still here. Still missing you. Still grateful I got to call you mine.
- One year gone, a lifetime to remember.
A Few Things to Keep in Mind
Before you start there are a couple of things to be aware of that you might not have thought about:
- Don’t write it with a deadline in mind. If doing it on the day itself feels like too much then write it the week before or the week after. The date isn’t the point it’s the remembering and what you get from it .
- Let it be messy. Cross things out. Ramble on in a way that doesn’t make much sense. You aren’t writing an essay and nobody’s going to be grading you on what you’ve done. It can be as sloppy or jumbled as you like.
- You don’t have to be over the grief to write one. So many of these types of letters are written through tears and still trying to come to terms with the loss.
- Keep it if you want to keep it. Some people read theirs aloud and then keep the letter in a memory box to read again the following year. It becomes a tradition for them and something that brings them comfort.
Final Thoughts
A year in remembrance letter won’t make the pain go away. But it gives you the opportunity to put put a year’s worth of love, missing and unsaid words somewhat, and that can be helpful to many of us.
Write it the way you’d talk to them. That’s all you really need to do.
If you’re looking for more words to that you might find comfort in then these in loving memory quotes or grief quotes are worth looking at. And if you’d rather send something to the person grieving our sympathy letter samples can help you find the words.
