After a funeral you might not know whether you’re supposed to go to the reception or how long you’re meant to stay. This sort of stuff isn’t ever really explained. So you won’t be alone if you’re not sure about it all.
We all know, roughly at least, how a funeral service works. But the gathering afterward can be intimidating and a bit of a social minefield. A lot of people at a funeral reception just copy whatever the person next to them is doing and hope for the best.
So this is a guide to help. Not what to say in a card or wear to the service but how to conduct yourself as a guest at the reception afterward without putting a foot wrong.
There aren’t any hard rules you must follow but there are some sensible guidelines that will help you feel less awkward and, more importantly, help the family feel supported.
If you’re also unsure about the right words when you get there then our guide on what to say at a funeral covers that side of things in much more detail.
What is a Funeral Reception?
A funeral reception is where friends and family get together after the funeral service or burial. You might also hear it called a repast, a wake, a funeral tea, or simply “drinks and food back at the house.”
It’s usually held at a family member’s home, a function room, a restaurant, a church hall, or sometimes a pub or hotel depending on where you are and the family’s traditions.
The whole point of it is to give people a chance to come together somewhere less formal than for the funeral. In contrast to the service itself the reception gives everyone the chance to breathe a bit, shares some stories, get something to eat and offers the family some company before everyone goes back to their own lives.
There’s much less structured to it than the service. And that’s the reason people get nervous about it.
Do You Have to Go to the Reception?
No, you don’t have to. But if you were invited and you can make it it’s a kind thing to do.
The reception is often where the family feels the most support. The service can pass in a blur for them but at the reception they have time to talk, hug, heat a story about their person they’d never heard before and feel the love. Your being there means something even if you just stay for twenty minutes.
That said there are perfectly good reasons not to go. If you didn’t know the deceased very well, have somewhere you need to be or if you’re struggling with your emotions then it’s okay to attend the service and quietly leave afterwards. Nobody is keeping check.
If you do decide to miss it try to have a quick word with a family member or send a card or message later on so they know you were thinking of them. Our guide on what to say when you can’t attend a funeral can help if you aren’t sure what to say.
How Long Should You Stay?
This is the question everyone wants answered but sadly there is no exact number. A rough guideline though is somewhere between thirty minutes and a couple of hours, depending on how close you were to the family and how the reception is going.
If you knew the person well then it’s a nice gesture to stay for longer. The family will appreciate having people around as the afternoon goes on.
If you were more of an acquaintance or a coworker then staying long enough to share your condolences, have a drink or a bit to eat and exchange a few words is good enough. You don’t want to be the first one to leave the second you arrive but you also don’t need to be the last person standing.
Read the room. If things are winding down and the close family looks tired that’s your cue. If everyone is still talking there’s no rush.
What Should You Bring?
Usually the answer is nothing. The family for the most part arranges the food and drink so you’re not expected to turn up with anything unless you’ve offered or been asked.
That said, a small gesture is always welcome. A few things people often bring are:
- A sympathy card if you haven’t already sent one
- A dish of food but only if the reception is at a home and you’ve checked it would help
- Flowers, though it’s worth knowing many families now prefer donations to a charity instead
- A small contribution like coffee, soft drinks, paper goods etc. if it’s an informal reception at someone’s house
If you’d like to do something but aren’t sure what then dropping off some food in the days afterward is often more useful than on the day itself. The family can get overwhelmed on the day and the kitchen is often full.
Our piece on thank you notes for funeral food shows just how much these gestures mean to grieving families on the receiving end.
What to Wear to the Reception
In most cases you’ll wear whatever you wore to the service as the reception follows straight after. So the same rules apply, which usually means smart, respectful and on the more muted side of things.
The reception is slightly more relaxed than the service so you might see people loosen a tie or take off a jacket once they’re settled. But don’t treat it likes it’s a party. You’re still in something that’s all about someone’s grief.
If you want a full guide we cover it properly in our guide on what to wear to a funeral.
What to Say When You Get There
You don’t need a speech. I’m so sorry for your loss followed by something specific about the person is all you need. People overthink this part when they don’t need to.
A short personal memory goes a long way. Telling a grieving daughter that her mom always remembered your birthday or that her dad once helped you change a tire in the rain gives her a memory she may not have had before and is something else for to hold on to.!Those small stories are so special to the bereaved.
What you want to avoid is anything that makes the loss seem less important or tries to tidy it up. Anything that starts with or includes “at least” is a definite no-no, comparisons to your own losses are bad too or anything that turns the conversation back onto you at all.
If you’d like more on this, including phrases to use and ones to avoid, have a look at our what to say at a funeral guide.
Mingling, Talking and Sharing Memories
A reception is a social occasion. It’s completely appropriate to talk to other guests, laugh at a funny story about the person who died, even to enjoy yourself a little.
Grief and warmth can coexist, especially at these sort of things, and laughter is not disrespectful. Some of the best receptions I’ve been to have been full of people crying one minute and in fits of laughter at an old anecdote the next.
A few things worth keeping in mind as you mingle:
- Let the family lead the tone. If they’re swapping happy memories you can feel safe to join in. If they’re quiet and somber you should be the same
- Introduce yourself to people you don’t know and explain how you knew the deceased. It helps the family see how much the deceased reached other peoples lives
- Resist the urge to bring up business, gossip or unrelated drama. Now is definitely not the time
- If you start to well up that’s normal. Tears are fine and expected
A Quick Word on Drinking
Many receptions, especially in Irish, British and lots of other traditions, involve a drink or two. Raising a glass to the person who’s gone is a lovely thing.
If you’d like to say a few words, our guide on how to make a funeral toast takes you through it.
The one thing to watch is your limit. A reception is not the place to get drunk.
You’re there to support the family and someone slurring their words or getting emotional in a messy way will only increase the stress on them.
Have a drink if it’s offered and you want one, toast the deceased, but keep yourself together. The grieving family will remember the guest who got out of hand, and not in a good way.
Phones, Photos and Social Media
Keep your phone away. It sounds obvious but receptions are exactly the kind of slow social setting where people drift onto their screens out of habit and it comes across as being disinterested.
Photos are more of a gray area. Some families love that someone captured the event whereas others find it intrusive.
If you’re in any way not sure the it’s after to not take any photos unless you can see others doing it or the family has made it clear they welcome it. And please don’t post anything to social media, certainly not without the family’s blessing. A grieving family scrolling past photos of the day they’re trying to get through is the last thing anyone wants.
Bringing Children or a Plus One
If the invitation didn’t mention children or a guest it’s worth a quick check instead of assuming. Some families find having children their a comfort. Others are struggling to deal with just adults and a crowd of extra people, however well meaning, is a lot to manage.
If you do bring kids make sure you keep an eye on them. A reception home is full of grief and some delicate moments and children running around without being watched can be hard for a family. Bringing a partner the family has never met is usually fine at a larger gathering but less so at an intimate one. If you’re in any doubt then the sensible thing to do is ask.
What NOT to Do at a Funeral Reception
A quick look at the things that will come across badly:
- Don’t overstay if the family is clearly exhausted
- Don’t turn the conversation into a venting session about your own problems
- Don’t ask prying questions about the death, the will, family finances or anything along those lines
- Don’t get drunk
- Don’t take or share photos without checking
- Don’t say “let me know if you need anything” and then disappear. Offer something specific instead
- Don’t bring up old family arguments or take sides in any tension that surfaces
- Don’t pressure the family to “stay strong” or rush their grief
How to Leave Gracefully
You don’t have to make a big deal when you leaving. If you’re ready to go then find the closest family member, offer a final few words of sympathy and thank them quietly.
Something as simple as “I’m so sorry again. I’ll be thinking of you. Please reach out if there’s anything at all I can do” is perfect.
If the host is in conversation or overwhelmed by the whole event it’s fine to slip out without a long goodbye and follow up with a message or card later. Those who are grieving aren’t going to want to be coping with lots of farewells. Many families appreciate a guest who knows when to quietly leave without a fuss.
And do follow up afterward. The week after a funeral can be some of the loneliest times for the bereaved.
A text, a call or a card a few weeks later tells them they haven’t been forgotten. If you want help with that our guide on condolence etiquette shows you how to support someone after a loss.
Final Thoughts
Try to remember that nobody at a funeral reception is judging you the way you fear they are. The family is grieving and grateful you came.
The other guests are going to be feeling the same as you and not sure how they should be acting. If you show up, offer some kind words, behave with a bit of care and stay long enough to make your presence felt then you’ve done it right.
For more on the etiquette around supporting someone who’s grieving, our guides on what to say at a funeral and condolence etiquette are good places to look at next.
