Soon after my father died I tried opening his wardrobe to sort some of his belongings and couldn’t do it. Everything I saw reminded me too much of him.
His shirts were still hanging in the order he liked them. It all still smelled of him. I just wasn’t ready.
Sorting through a loved one’s belongings is one of the hardest jobs you have to do after they pass away. You can’t prepare you for how one drawer can bring you to years or how a random receipt in a coat pocket can feel like a message.
If you are reading this because you’re in the process of doing this then the first thing to know is to take your time.
This is a practical guide to help you get through it in a way that honors both the person you lost and the person you still have to be.
If you are still in the very early days and are looking for words as much as guidance our posts on words of sympathy for the loss of a mother and words of sympathy for the loss of a father may help too.
When Should You Start Sorting Through Belongings?
The most common question about sorting deceased loved ones belongings is – when is the right time to start?
The answer is that there isn’t one. There is no correct number of days or weeks or months after a death when you are suddenly supposed to be ready.
Some people need to sort through everything within the first couple of weeks because it helps them feel useful. Others cant find it in them to touch anything for a year and they leave the room exactly as it was.
What makes this more complicated is that not everyone gets to choose. If your loved one rented their home the landlord will want it cleared.
If the house needs to be sold to settle the estate or if you live in another city and have to fly home you don’t get a choice when it’s done.
When that happens try not to get too upset. You’re being forced to do something so hard thing under pressure and you shouldn’t feel any guilt about it.
If there are no outside pressures at all my advice is simple. Wait until you have a bit of strength and some support.
You do not have to feel completely ready because you may never feel that way. But if you feel like you can begin to do it then that’s all you need.
Before You Begin: A Few Things to Sort Out First
Before you get emotionally invested in deciding whether to keep certain things of a loved one there are a few practical matters that it’s best to deal with at the very start.
Getting these out of the way protects you from the two worst outcomes which are throwing away something legally important or giving away something that wasn’t yours to give.
Check for a Will or Written Wishes
If your loved one left a will it may say who should receive certain items. If they named an executor that person has the legal responsibility for handling the estate and big decisions about property should wait until they have gone through the proper steps.
In many cases you will need to wait on distributing anything of real value until the estate has been through probate. This can take weeks or even months.
Not everyone leaves a formal will though. Sometimes their wishes are more informal and it’s something like a note in a drawer, a conversation you half remember, a sticky label on the back of a photo frame.
Honor what you know of their intentions where you can. It makes the sorting feel like your keeping a promise to them.
Set Aside Important Documents and Time Sensitive Items
Before anything gets bagged up do one careful look for the things that matter administratively. You are looking for items like:
- The will, trust documents and any funeral or burial instructions
- Birth certificate, marriage certificate, passport and social security card
- Bank statements, checkbooks and details of any pensions or investments
- Property deeds, vehicle titles and insurance policies
- Tax records and recent bills
- Keys, safe combinations and anything relating to a safety deposit box
- Medication that needs safe disposal
People put important papers in strange places. I have heard of cash in the freezer, deeds inside book covers and jewelry taped under drawers.
So go slowly through anything before you throw it out. It could be an old shoebox that might have nothing but junk in it or it might have the paperwork the lawyer has been asking for.
Decide Who Will Be Involved
Think carefully about who is going to be part of this. Sorting with the right person can make it much more bearable. Sorting with the wrong person can do the opposite and be something you regret.
If you want company choose someone you know you can rely on. A friend who is a natural organizer, a sibling you trust to be fair, someone will let you cry without trying to fix anything.
And be clear with them that you are the one making the decisions and they are there for support. If anyone helping you starts eyeing items for themselves or rushing you along that pressure will make every choice harder.
If you would rather do it alone that is fine too. Just make sure someone knows what you are doing that day so you are not on your own with it.
Make a Plan and Start Small
Making s plan before you start will make your life easier. It doesn’t have to be a spreadsheet you stick rigidly to but just a sense of direction.
The two approaches that get people into trouble are opposite extremes. One is bagging everything up and taking it away in one afternoon which almost always leads to some regrets.
The other is avoiding doing it for years because it feels impossible. Somewhere between those two is what will work for you.
My best advice is to start small and start easy. Don’t walk into the hardest room first.
The bathroom cabinet or the kitchen cupboards are usually a lot less emotional for most of us than a wardrobe or a bedside table. Clearing out old toiletries and mugs lets you build a little momentum and get used to the rhythm of the work before you reach the things that are going to be hard and remind you of them.
You have two ways you can organize the job:
- Room by room. Finish one space completely before moving to the next. This gives you a sense of your progress which can feel good when everything else feels stuck.
- Category by category. Tackle all the clothing across the house, then all the books, then all the paperwork etc. This suits people who find it easier to make one type of decision at a time.
There is no better or right method but there’s a good change one of those will fits your brain and the amount of energy you have. And whichever you choose working in short bursts will probably help.
You might sort one drawer and then need to take a rest for an hour. It’s emotionally taxing so don’t feel pressured to do it all in one go.
The Four Box Method: Keep, Donate, Sell, Toss
When you are ready to handle items a simple sorting system also helps. The classic version is four boxes or piles, clearly labeled:
- Keep. Items you or the family want to hold onto.
- Donate. Things in good condition that could help someone else.
- Sell. Items of value you would rather turn into money for the estate or the family.
- Toss. Anything broken, expired or thats clearly junk.
There’s a 5th box you can add in – call it Undecided. This is where anything goes when you simply cant make the call today.
You don’t have to decide on those right now. Putting them in the Undecided box means you keep moving without having to make a choice you aren’t ready to make. Come back to that box in a few weeks or a few months when you’re more prepared to deal with them.
The point of a system like this is not to be cold or efficient. It helps your grieving brain make fewer decisions.
Decision fatigue is very real and it hits even more when every object comes with memories attached.
How to Decide What to Keep
You can’t keep everything, I’m afraid. And if you try you will probably end up with boxes in the attic that you never open, which doesn’t really keep the memory alive so much as bury it.
So how do you choose? The question I found most helpful was not “is this valuable?” but “does this have a story?”
A cheap wooden spoon that your grandmother used every Sunday can hold more of a person than an expensive vase they were given and never liked. Keep the things that make you feel them in the room. Let the rest go.
A few prompts that can help you decide:
- Does holding this bring the person back to me or just make me sad?
- Would I be devastated to lose this or am I keeping it out of guilt?
- Could this item mean more to someone else in the family than it does to me?
- If I keep it, where will it go? Will I use it display it or store it?
Many people find comfort in choosing a small number of meaningful keepsakes and letting that be enough. If you want ideas for honoring those pieces our guide to honoring a loved one’s memory has some good starting points.
What to Do With Clothing
Clothing deserves its own section because it really hits people more than almost anything else. Clothes have things like a scent and memories in a way other objects don’t. Don’t be surprised if the wardrobe is the hardest room in the house.
This is definitely one to take your time with and do it when you feel ready. When you are the you have some beautiful options beyond donating or discarding:
- Memory quilts and blankets. Favorite shirts and dresses can be sewn into a quilt that you can actually wrap yourself in. There are seamstresses who specialize in this.
- Memory bears and pillows. A beloved sweater can become a teddy bear for a grandchild or a cushion for the sofa. These make especially tender gifts for children in the family.
- Keeping one or two pieces to wear. A soft flannel shirt, a scarf, a watch. Something you can put on when you need to feel close.
- Donating in good condition. Clean, wearable clothing can be a real gift to someone in need and there is comfort in knowing it is being worn again.
Whatever you decide take a photograph of the items before they leave the house if you think you might want the memory of them later.
Deciding What to Do With Everything Else
Once the Keep pile is settled you are left with the bigger question of where the rest of it goes. You have more choices here than most people realize.
Giving to Family and Friends
Often the kindest home for an item is with someone who loved the person too. It could be something like a brother who might treasure the tools or a niece might have always adored a particular necklace.
Offering items to family and close friends can spread the comfort around and lighten your load at the same time. Just be thoughtful about how you do it, which brings us to the next point.
Donating
Donating is a lovely way to let your loved one keep doing good in the world. Thrift stores, shelters, libraries and community groups are often glad to receive clothing, books, furniture and household goods in decent condition.
If getting started is the hard part book a donation pickup for a specific date. Having something on the calendar gives you something to work toward and once the items are gone from the house you’ve moved forward rather than just shuffling piles around. Some people schedule a pickup every couple of weeks and it helps them to keep chipping away at it all.
You might also think about donating to a cause your loved one cared about or asking others to do the same in their memory. Our guide on making a donation in memory of someone can help with the wording if you go that way.
Selling
If there are items of real value or if the estate needs the funds selling makes good sense. You might use an estate sale company for a house, online marketplaces for individual items or a consignment shop for quality furniture and clothing.
Don’t worry about feeling disloyal about selling your loved one’s things. Turning possessions into something practical for the living is a more than acceptable choice.
Throwing Away
And yes, some things are simply worn out, broken or past saving and they can go in the trash or the recycling with a clear conscience. It’s just clearing space and not getting rid of any of your loved one.
When Family Doesn’t Agree
Sadly this happens and can become a problem. Grief has a way of surfacing old tensions and belongings can become the thing everyone fights over when what they are really grieving is the person.
Two siblings can both want the same clock for reasons that have nothing to do with the clock.
A few things that can help with this:
- Ask before you assume. Do not decide on someone else’s behalf what they will or won’t want. If a beneficiary can’t be there in person call them and ask which specific items matter to them.
- Take turns choosing. When more than one person wants keepsakes going around in rounds and each picking one item at a time feels fairer than a free for all.
- Name the real feeling. Sometimes an item is standing in for an unresolved hurt. Acknowledging that can take the heat out of the argument.
- Bring in a neutral party. If things get truly stuck a trusted family friend, a mediator or in some cases a lawyer can offer a calm perspective that family members struggle to give each other.
Try to remember in the worst moments that the person you all loved would not want their belongings to become something causing fights. Letting an item go to keep the peace is often better then the alternative.
Looking After Yourself While You Sort
This is something that’s more than regular decluttering job. It will take a lot out of you, and more than the physical work might suggest. Please treat yourself accordingly.
A few things that help:
- Work in short sessions. An hour or two at a time is enough. You can do quite a few short sprints in a day or a single small task every few days.
- Eat, drink and take breaks. Grief and sorting both burn energy. Keep water and something to eat nearby and stop the moment you start to feel wrung out.
- Expect the ambushes. A perfume bottle, a scrawled shopping list, a voicemail you forgot was saved. These will catch you off guard. Crying in the middle of the job is expected and just part of it.
- Have somewhere to do after. Line up a phone call with a friend, a walk or a quiet evening for after a hard session. It will help with the comedown.
On the days grief feels bigger than the task in front of you it can help to step away and rest instead. Our collections of grief quotes and poems about grief are there for exactly those moments and if you are approaching a first birthday, holiday or anniversary without them, this guide to firsts may bring some comfort.
When to Bring in Professional Help
Sometimes the job is too big, too painful or too far away to do alone. You don’t get a medal for suffering through it alone.
Depending on what you need you might look into:
- Estate sale companies. They can price, stage and sell the contents of an entire home which is a huge relief when there is a lot to move and a deadline looming.
- Senior move managers and professional organizers. These specialists help sort, downsize and clear a home with a calm, methodical hand and many have experience with bereaved families specifically.
- Junk removal services. For the final clear out of anything left, a removal service can empty a house in a day.
- A therapist or grief counselor. If sorting through the belongings is bringing up a lot that you’re struggling with then please reach out for support. This is heavy work and you don’t have to do the emotional part alone either.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long should you wait before going through a deceased loved one’s belongings?
There is no set time. Some people start within days because it helps them cope while others wait months or longer. If there are no outside pressures like a rental that needs clearing or a house that must be sold wait until you feel able to begin rather than forcing yourself to a deadline.
What should you do with a loved one’s belongings after they die?
A simple approach is to sort items into keep, donate, sell and toss, with an extra pile for anything you cannot decide on yet. Keep the things that carry real meaning, offer items to other family members, donate what is in good condition and sell anything of value if the estate needs it.
Is it wrong to sell a deceased loved one’s belongings?
No. Selling belongings is a practical and perfectly loving choice, especially when the estate needs funds or nobody in the family has room for the items. The memory of your loved one does not live in their possessions so turning things into something useful for the living takes nothing away from them.
What should you not throw away when someone dies?
Set aside all legal and financial paperwork before you discard anything. That includes the will, birth and marriage certificates, passports, deeds, titles, insurance policies, bank details and tax records. Check pockets, books and boxes carefully, because important documents and cash are often tucked in unexpected places.
Final Thoughts
Remember that the person you’ve lost is not in the objects, they are in you, and nothing you donate or sell or let go of can take them from you. Keeping everything will not keep them here. Just as letting things go does not mean letting them go.
Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a friend doing the same impossible thing.
