When my grandmother died I was the one who had to make the calls. Not the call to tell people she was gone (my aunt did that, bless her) but where you call someone up and ask them to talk about her at the memorial.
I had no idea what to say when it came to ringing people. Was it a huge thing to ask? Would they feel like they were obligated to say yes?
What if they said no and it got awkward? Or what if they said yes and then fell apart halfway through their speech/eulogy?
In the end I just said it. I can’t remember exactly what it was but it was something like “We’d love for you to say a few words at Grandma’s service. You knew her longer than any of us. But please don’t feel like you have to”.
I do remember they went quiet and then said they’d be honored. And they were wonderful.
Asking someone to speak at a memorial or funeral is hard. You have to do it when you’re grieving, tired, making a lots of decisions all at once.
And on top of all that you have to find the right words to ask someone else to find the right words.
So this guide goes through all of it: who to ask, how to ask, exactly what to say (with lots of wording examples you can use) and what to do if the answer is no.
Before You Ask Anyone: Settle a Few Things First
It’s tempting to pick up the phone straight away, especially if you already have someone in mind. But a few minutes of planning first will make it easier and clearer. Plus it will save you from having to call people back to ask something else or add on more details.
Decide What Kind of Speaking You Need
Speaking at a memorial can mean a lot of different things. Before you ask anyone, decide which of these you’re asking for:
- The eulogy. The main tribute, usually five to ten minutes, covering the person’s life and character. Often given by a close family member or lifelong friend.
- A short tribute or remembrance. Two to four minutes. A memory or two, a story, what the person meant to the speaker etc.
- A reading. A poem, scripture passage maybe a piece of prose read aloud. Great for people who want to take part but don’t want to write anything.
- Opening or closing words. Could be a welcome, a thank you to guests, an invitation to the reception afterward.
- Open sharing. An informal “anyone who’d like to share a memory” moment which is more common at celebrations of life.
The differences are important because asking someone to give the eulogy and asking them to read a short poem are not the skew thing. Being specific lets the person know exactly what they’re agreeing to.
If you’re not sure what separates a eulogy from other tributes our guide to the difference between a eulogy and an obituary is worth reading.
Work Out How Many Speakers You Want
Most memorial services have somewhere between two and four speakers plus any readings. More than that and the service can start to feel long, especially for elderly guests or young children. A rough rule of thumb is to keep the total speaking time to around 20 to 30 minutes.
It’s a good problem to have if lots of people want to speak. You can keep the formal speakers to a few and then make room for others in other ways (more on that further down).
Check With the Family and the Officiant
If you’re not the next of kin check with the closest family members before you ask anyone. The last thing you want is two people asking two different friends to give the eulogy.
It’s also worth talking to the funeral director, minister or celebrant. Some churches have rules about who can speak and for how long and some book chapels in tight time slots. You won’t have to cut anyone’s speech in half if you know all this ahead of time.
Check If They Left Any Wishes
Some people leave instructions. Look through any funeral plans, letters, notes etc.
Ask the people who were closest to them if they ever mentioned who they’d want. It will make it a lot easier if so.
Who Should You Ask to Speak?
It doesn’t have to be the eldest child or the spouse. The people who give the best speeches or eulogies are usually the people who knew the person well and can bring them to life for everyone in the room.
A few things worth thinking about:
- Different chapters of their life. A childhood friend, a work colleague, a grandchild etc. will each have a different story to tell. Together they paint a fuller picture.
- Who would be hurt not to be asked. When people are grieving they can feel more sensitive. If there’s a sibling or best friend who’d you know would be very hurt if left out then it’s a good idea to at least offer them the chance, even if it’s a reading rather than the eulogy.
- Who can get through it. Some people are very close to the person but that would make it harder for them to speak. Or speak long enough without breaking down. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask but make it clear they can say no or to take a smaller role if they’d prefer.
- Who the person themselves would have chosen. Sometimes this is the most important question of all.
Don’t overlook people who aren’t family. The most moving tributes can come from an unexpected place. It could be someone like the nurse who looked after someone in their final weeks or a former student. If they mattered to the person who died then they should be there and maybe even speaking.
Should You Ask in Person, by Phone or by Text?
The right way is whichever way you can manage. You’re grieving and planning a service so nobody expects anything special. You don’t have to send out formal invitations on embossed paper.
But there is a rough order of preference:
- In person or by phone is best for the main eulogy and for anyone very close. It’s personal and feels right for something this important.
- A text or message first, then a call works well if you’re not sure when they’re free or you don’t want to catch them off guard. You can say something like “Could I give you a call later about the service? Nothing to worry about” which will let them prepare for it.
- Email or text on its own is fine for readings, short tributes, coworkers, people who live far away or anyone you’d usually message rather than call.
A written message also has one big advantage in that it gives the person time to think before they answer. A lot of people will say yes on the spot because they feel they can’t say no, then end up regretting it and have to later retract. If you send a message they get a chance to properly consider it .
What to Include When You Ask
Whatever way you ask try to cover these points. You don’t need to include them all in the first message but the person will need to know them before they can really say yes:
- What you’re asking them to do (eulogy, short memory, reading)
- Roughly how long they’d speak for
- When and where the service is, if it’s been set
- Why you thought of them (this is more important than people first realize)
- When you need an answer so you can plan the order of service
- A way out so they don’t feel trapped
- Any help you can offer, like sharing stories, photos or examples
The “why you thought of them” part is easy to skip over but having a reason will make them feel like it’s an honor to be asked and not a chore. You can say something like – “you were her best friend for 40 years” or “Dad always said you were the funniest person he knew” and it will let the person know they were chosen for a reason.
Wording Examples for Asking Someone to Speak
These are examples for the most common situations. Change the names and details and get rid of what doesn’t fit. See them as a starting point.
Asking Someone to Give the Eulogy
This is the biggest and most important one so make sure you’re clear about what you’re asking. If you’re calling them up then you might say something along these lines:
Hi Tom, it’s Karen. I hope you’re holding up okay. I wanted to ask you something, and please be honest with me. We’re planning Mom’s service for the 14th and we’d really love for you to give the eulogy. You knew her better than almost anyone outside the family, and she adored you. It would be about five to ten minutes. You don’t have to answer now, and if it feels like too much, I completely understand. Think it over and let me know by the weekend?
******************
And as a text or email:
Hi Tom,
I hope you’re doing okay. I’ve been thinking a lot about Mom’s service and there’s something I’d like to ask you.
We would be so grateful if you’d give the eulogy. You were part of her life for so long and you always knew how to make her laugh. I can’t think of anyone who’d do her justice the way you would.
It would be around 5 to 10 minutes during the service on Saturday the 14th at 11am at Grace Chapel. I’m happy to share stories, photos or anything else that might help.
There’s absolutely no pressure. If it’s too much right now, just tell me and I’ll understand. Could you let me know by Friday either way?
With love,
Karen
******************
Asking a Close Friend to Share a Few Words
This is a smaller one but it doesn’t hurt to keep the message similarly sized.
- “We’d love it if you’d share a favorite memory of Jim at the service. Just two or three minutes. No pressure at all if you’d rather not.”
- “Would you be up for saying a few words on Saturday? You and Linda had so many adventures together, and I know people would love to hear about one.”
- “I’m putting together a few short tributes for Dad’s memorial. Would you be willing to share a story or two? Even a minute would mean a lot.”
- “You were such a big part of Sarah’s life. If you’d like to say something at the service, there’s a spot for you. If not, just being there is plenty.”
For people who need some help our short eulogy examples are a good size for a two or three minute tribute.
Asking Someone to Do a Reading
Readings are a great option for people who want to take part but are terrified or don’t have the skills to write something themselves. When you ask make sure to say if you’ve already picked the reading or whether you’d like them to choose.
Hi Michelle,
We’re planning Grandpa’s funeral and wondered if you’d be willing to do a reading. We’ve chosen a short poem he loved, and it takes about a minute to read. I can send it over so you can see it first.
If you’d rather choose something yourself, that’s fine too. And if you’d prefer not to be up front at all, honestly, that’s okay.
Love,
Becca
If they want to pick their own give them a few places to look. Our collections of funeral poems and Catholic funeral readings are a good start and it’s always a good idea to check with the officiant first in case the venue has restrictions on what can be read.
Asking a Coworker, Boss or Colleague
Work friends often knew a different side of someone the family rarely saw. Asking them can feel a bit more formal so a polite email is fine in these circumstances.
Subject: David’s memorial service
Hi Angela,
I’m David’s sister. I know how much he enjoyed working with you, and he talked about the team at Hartley often.
We’re holding a memorial service on Thursday, March 6 at 2pm and we’d be honored if you would say a few words about what David was like at work. Something short, around three minutes, would be perfect. It would mean a lot for his family and friends to hear about that part of his life.
Please don’t feel obligated. If you’re not comfortable speaking, we’d still love to see you there.
Thank you,
Rachel Morris
Asking a Grandchild, Teenager or Young Person
Young people can give some of the most moving tributes but they will also need some extra reassurance and a very easy way to back out.
- “Grandma loved you so much. Would you like to say something about her at the service? It can be short, even just a sentence or two. You can also change your mind at any time, even on the day.”
- “Would you like to read something at Grandpa’s funeral? I can sit with you and help you pick it. And if you’d rather not, that’s totally fine.”
- “If you’d like to share a memory but don’t want to stand up, you could write it down and someone else can read it for you.”
That last one is popular as a lot kids like to have their words included but won’t have the confidence to stand up and talk.
Asking Several People to Share a Short Memory
For celebrations of life or more relaxed service you might want a few people to each share something brief. A group message is fine although it’s kinder to follow up individually with anyone who doesn’t reply.
Hi everyone,
Thank you all for your love and support this week. For Dan’s celebration of life on Sunday, we’d like to make time for a few friends to share a short memory or story about him. Nothing formal, just a minute or two each.
If you’d like to take part, could you let me know by Thursday? It’s completely optional. Dan would have just been happy knowing you were all there together.
Love,
Sue
Asking Someone Who Lives Far Away or Will Join Online
Lots of services are livestreamed now and some families invite friends who aren’t in the country or too far to travel to speak by video or send a recording.
Hi Paul,
I know it’s a long way to come for Mom’s service, so please don’t worry if you can’t make it in person. We’re going to livestream the service, and we’d love to include a few words from you. You could join live by video or record something short on your phone and send it to me beforehand.
You were her oldest friend and it wouldn’t feel complete without you. But only if you feel up to it.
Take care,
Joanne
If they’d rather not speak at all a written message read out by the officiant or another speaker still lets them have their words heard.
Make It Easy for Them to Say No
Speaking at a funeral is hard. Some people are terrified of public speaking and others feel the grief so strongly they simply wouldn’t be able to do it. Some simply don’t want to and that’s their right.
If someone feels they can’t refuse you can end up with a speaker who dreads every minute of it or worse – pulls out the night before. Giving them a way to say no is better for you and then.
You can take the pressure off by saying something like:
- “Please only say yes if it feels right for you.”
- “If it’s too much, I completely understand. You being there is what matters.”
- “There’s no wrong answer here.”
- “Take a day or two to think about it.”
- “If speaking isn’t for you, you could do a reading instead, or write something that someone else reads.”
- “You can change your mind at any point, even on the day. We’ll have a backup.”
If you’re going with the last one then have someone ready (the officiant is often happy to do this) to step in and read a speaker’s words if they find they can’t get through it on the day.
What to Do If Someone Says No
It can hurt a little when someone says no, especially if they were very close to the person who died. Try not to take it personally. A no is almost always done to grief or nerves not because they don’t care.
Thank them, reassure them and keep the door open for them to be involved in another way. Something like:
“That’s completely okay, and thank you for being honest with me. I know how much you loved her. If you’d like to be part of it in a different way, maybe helping choose the music or sharing a story I could include in the eulogy, I’d love that. But either way, I’m just glad you’ll be there.”
There are lots of ways people can contribute without speaking:
- Writing a memory that someone else reads aloud
- Sharing stories with the person writing the eulogy
- Choosing a reading or a song
- Helping put together a photo slideshow or memory table
- Being a pallbearer, usher or greeter
- Lighting a candle or placing a flower during the service
- Writing in the guest book or a memory card
Once they’ve said no don’t ask again. Let it go and be glad they’re coming.
Once They’ve Said Yes: What to Send Next
A short follow up message with all the practical details means they’re not left guessing and means you won’t get lots of the same questions from different speakers.
Hi Tom,
Thank you so much again for agreeing to speak. It means the world to us. Here are the details so you have everything in one place:
Date and time: Saturday, June 14 at 11am (please arrive by 10:30)
Location: Grace Chapel, 210 Elm Street
Your part: The eulogy, about 5 to 8 minutes
Order of speakers: You’ll be second, after Lisa’s reading
Other speakers: Lisa is reading a poem, and Mike (Mom’s brother) will share a few stories from their childhood, so you don’t need to cover that part
Microphone: There’s a podium mic at the front
I’ve attached a few photos and a list of things the family remembers about her, in case they help. It’s a good idea to bring a printed copy of what you’ll say, and if you could send me a copy too, I’ll keep it as a backup.
Please call me anytime if you have questions or just want to talk it through.
Love,
Karen
A few other things that can be worth mentioning to your speakers:
- Time limits. Be clear and kind about this. Around 130 to 150 spoken words is roughly a minute, so a five minute tribute is about 650 to 750 words. Most people underestimate how long they’ll talk.
- Who’s covering what. If you know two speakers both plan to tell the same famous story let them know so one can change theirs.
- Tone. Let them know if the family is happy for funny stories and gentle teasing or if the service will be more traditional.
- A printed copy. Phones die and nerves make you forget so ask speakers to bring their words on paper in a large font.
- A backup reader. Make sure each speaker knows that if they can’t go on someone can step in and finish for them. Just knowing that will make them feel less nervous.
If any of your speakers are planning a toast at the reception rather than speaking during the service our guide on how to make a funeral toast is going to help.
What If Too Many People Want to Speak?
When someone was well loved you might find yourself with a dozen people who’d like to say something. That’s a wonderful reflection on them but if you let everyone speak you’d end up with a three hour service.
You can deal with it kindly though:
- Keep the formal service to two to four speakers then hold an open sharing time at the reception or wake.
- Ask others to write their memories down for a memory book or to be read at a later gathering.
- Combine stories. Ask one person to gather memories from a group (old school friends, say) and share them on everyone’s behalf.
- Set a firm time limit of two minutes each for an open mic and have the officiant keep things moving.
If you need to tell someone there isn’t a formal spot for them be honest and offer an alternative: “We’re keeping the service short for Grandma’s sake but we’d love you to share that story at the lunch afterward. Everyone will want to hear it.”
If You’d Like to Ask If You Can Speak
Sometimes you’re the one who wants to speak and doesn’t know how to ask. You loved the person and you’d like to say something but maybe nobody has asked you. It’s perfectly okay to offer as long as you make it easy for the family to say no.
“I’m so sorry about your dad. I know you have a lot to arrange, so please don’t feel you need to answer right away. If there’s room in the service for a few words from friends, I’d be honored to share something about him. If not, I completely understand, and I’ll be there either way.”
Then leave it with them. If they say no or don’t reply, don’t push. You can always share your memories with the family privately or in a card. Our guide on what to say at a funeral has some ideas for that too.
What to Avoid
- Asking without checking with the family first. Double booking the eulogy is a awful to sort out.
- Being vague about what you want. “Would you say something?” leaves people unsure if you mean 30 seconds or 15 minutes.
- Asking at the funeral home or graveside. Put on the spot in public people say yes when they mean no.
- Asking too late. If at all possible give speakers several days to prepare. Asking the night before is stressful for everyone.
- Forgetting to say why you chose them. This makes your asking a compliment rather than a request.
- No backup plan. Always have someone who can read a speaker’s words if they might struggle.
- Not thanking them afterward. A quick note or call after the service means a lot. Our funeral thank you notes include wording you can use for speakers and anyone else who helped.
Frequently Asked Questions
How far in advance should you ask someone to speak at a memorial?
As early as you can. For a funeral held within a week of the death, try to ask within a day or two so speakers have at least four or five days to prepare. For memorial services and celebrations of life held weeks or months later, two to three weeks’ notice is ideal.
How long should each speaker talk?
A eulogy is usually five to ten minutes. Shorter tributes and memories tend to be two to four minutes, and most readings take one to two minutes. Aim for a total of around 20 to 30 minutes of speaking for the whole service.
Is it okay to ask someone to speak at a funeral by text?
Yes. Especially in the rush after a death, a text or email is completely acceptable, and it gives the person time to think before they answer. For the main eulogy or someone very close, a phone call afterward is a nice touch, but it isn’t required.
Who usually gives the eulogy?
Often a spouse, adult child, sibling or close friend. But there’s no rule. It can be anyone who knew the person well and feels able to speak. Sometimes a minister or celebrant gives the eulogy using stories gathered from the family, which can be a good option when no one in the family feels up to it.
Can you ask more than one person to give the eulogy?
Absolutely. Some families split the eulogy between two or three people, each covering a different part of the person’s life. Just make sure everyone knows who’s covering what so the stories don’t overlap.
What if the person I asked backs out at the last minute?
It happens and it’s usually grief rather than flakiness. Ask if they’d be comfortable sending you what they’ve written so the officiant or another family member can read it. If nothing has been written, the officiant can usually fill the gap, or you can simply move on to the next part of the service. Nobody in the room will mind.
Final Thoughts
Asking someone to speak at a memorial can feel like a big deal. But when they’re asked most people feel honored. You’re telling them they mattered to the person who died.
Be clear about what you’re asking though. Tell them why you thought of them and give them a real way to say no. Do that, and whatever their answer, you’ll have asked in a way that’s kind to them.
And if you end up being one of the speakers yourself our eulogy examples for a celebration of life and step by step eulogy guide are there to help if you need them.
