Like many people I’m not good at public speaking. In fact it terrifies me.
I’ve pushed through on the odd occasion but generally I will do everything I can to avoid making any sort of speech or presentation. So when I’ve been asked to speak at a memorial or funeral I’ve instinctively wanted to say yes but knew I had to say no (and felt guilty for doing so).
Even when it’s someone I loved with all my heart. The thought of having to stand up in front of a lot of people and speak is too much. That’s before thinking about the emotional part of it and whether I would even have been able to get through it.
Saying no when asked to speak at a funeral feels awful. But it’s the right thing to do if you know you won’t be able to, for whatever reason.
So if you’ve been asked to speak at a memorial or funeral and every part of you wants to say no you are definitely allowed to. Don’t feel pressured into doing it.
Finding the right words and way to say no is tricky though. So below is wording that can help make it easier (for texts, phone calls, emails and a few even trickier situations) plus some ways to still honor the person without standing at the front of the room.
Is It Okay to Decline Speaking at a Memorial?
Yes. Absolutely and unequivocally.
Being asked to speak is an honor and it usually means the family sees you as someone who really knew and loved the person who died. But an honor doesn’t mean you should feel obliged to do it.
Families ask because they want the tribute to come from the heart. If your heart is telling you it can’t do it right now you should listen to it
There are lots of good reasons people say no:
- The grief is too much for you and you know you won’t get through it
- Public speaking terrifies you (it regularly ranks near the top of the things Americans say they fear most so you’re in good company)
- You don’t feel you knew the person well enough to do them justice
- The relationship was complicated and you can’t speak about them honestly and kindly at the same time
- You’re dealing with health issues, anxiety or something else in your own life
- You simply don’t have the time to prepare something you’d be proud of
You don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation for any of these. But a kind answer to let the family know and give them a chance to make other plans is the right thing to do if that’s the case.
Short Ways to Say No
If you just need a couple of lines these will work in almost any situation. Add your name and make them sound more like you.
- I’m so touched you asked me but I don’t think I can get through it without falling apart. I hope you understand.
- Thank you for thinking of me. I’m not able to speak, but I’d love to help in another way.
- It means a lot that you’d want me up there. I have to say no, but I’ll be there with you on the day.
- I wish I could, I really do. I just don’t think I’m the right person to do this one.
- I’m honored, but I’m going to have to pass. Can I help with the slideshow or a reading instead?
- I’ve thought about it and I can’t. I’m so sorry. Please know it’s not because I don’t care.
How to Decline Speaking at a Memorial Kindly
The words are less important than how and when you say them. A few things make a big difference though.
Answer Quickly
This is the most important thing. Memorials and funerals often get sorted out in a matter of days. Every hour you spend deciding is an hour the family can’t use to find someone else.
If you know straight away that it’s a no then say that in the first conversation. If you need to think tell them when you’ll get back to them (“Can I let you know by tomorrow morning?”) and make sure you do.
I know the temptation is to put it off because it feels awful. But the call will get harder the longer you leave it and the family will likely be more upset than they would have with an earlier one.
Thank Them First
Start by acknowledging what they’ve asked. Something as simple as “I’m really touched you asked me” will make what you say after sound better. It tells them you understand what it means and you’re not brushing it off.
Keep the Reason Short
You can give a reason and often it helps. But one sentence is enough as well. “I don’t think I can hold it together” or “Speaking in front of people isn’t something I can do” says enough.
Long explanations have a habit of backfiring. They can sound like excuses and they can accidentally put the grieving person in the position of having to reassure you. Which isn’t fair on them at this time.
Offer Something Else (Only If You Mean It)
Saying no to speaking doesn’t have to mean saying no to helping. Offering to share stories with whoever does the eulogy, choose a reading or put photos together lets the family know you’re still interested and wanting to be a part of the day.
Only offer what you’ll follow through on though. A grieving family has enough on their plate without chasing up promises.
Say It Out Loud If You Can
A text is fine especially if that’s how you normally talk to this person. But if you’re close then a phone call will feel better. They hear your voice and will be able to tell that you’re upset and there’s no room for a short message to be misread.
If you really can’t face a call then a text or email is far better than avoiding them altogether.
Wording Examples for Declining to Speak
These are longer examples for different situations. Use them as they are or as an inspiration for your own.
Declining by Text Message
Keep your texts short and warm. Long paragraphs in a text don’t work well.
Hi Karen, I’m so touched you asked me to speak on Saturday. I’ve thought about it and I honestly don’t think I can get through it. I’m so sorry. I’d still love to help however I can, maybe sending you some stories or photos of Mike? Thinking of you all. xx
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Thank you for asking me to say a few words for your dad. It means a lot. I’m going to have to say no though, public speaking is just not something I can manage, especially not this. I’ll be there on the day and I’m here for anything else you need.
******************
I’ve been sitting with your message all evening. I loved your mom so much and that’s exactly why I can’t do it, I’d fall apart. I hope you understand. Please let me help in another way.
Declining Over the Phone or in Person
You won’t read these word for word but it helps to have a rough script so you have an idea of what you’ll say.
“I wanted to call rather than text. First, thank you so much for asking me. It really means a lot that you’d want me to speak about Dan. But I’ve thought about it properly and I can’t do it. I’m barely holding it together as it is. I’m so sorry. I’d still really like to help though. Could I write down some memories for whoever does speak?”
******************
“I’m honored you asked, I really am. I have to be honest with you though, I’m not a good public speaker and I’d hate to let her down on the day. I think someone else would do a much better job of it. Is there anything else I can take off your hands?”
Declining by Email or Letter
Email makes sense if you’re not especially close to the family. Also if a funeral director or officiant reached out to you or if you’re someone who writes better than you talk.
Dear Linda,
Thank you so much for asking me to speak at Tom’s memorial service. I was really moved that you thought of me, and I know how much care you’re putting into making the day right for him.
After a lot of thought I’ve decided I’m not able to give a speech. I’m finding his loss harder than I expected, and I don’t think I could do him justice standing up there.
I would love to contribute in another way if it would help. I have some wonderful stories from our years working together that I could write up for whoever is speaking, or I’d be happy to help with the slideshow.
With love and deepest sympathy,
Ann
******************
Dear Pastor Reynolds,
Thank you for reaching out about the service for Margaret on the 14th. I’m grateful to be included, but I won’t be able to speak during the service. I’d be glad to share a few memories with you or the family if that would help with the eulogy.
Kind regards,
James
When You’re Close Family
This is the hardest one. When you’re the son, daughter, spouse or sibling there can be an expectation that you’ll be the one up there. It’s still okay to say no though.
Lots of families have a friend, a grandchild or the officiant give the eulogy.
“I know people might expect me to do it, and I’ve gone back and forth on it. But I can’t. I want to be able to sit in that service and actually be there for Mom, not spend the whole time terrified about my speech. Would Uncle Pete be willing to do it? I can help him with what to say.”
******************
“I don’t think I can speak. I’m sorry. Could we ask the pastor to read something I write instead? That way my words are still in there, I just don’t have to be the one saying them.”
When You Didn’t Know Them Well
Sometimes you get asked because of your role (their boss, their teacher, their pastor) rather than how close you were. Saying so can help the family find someone better suited.
“Thank you for asking me. I really liked Sarah and I’m so sorry for your loss. I have to be honest though, I only knew her through work and I worry I wouldn’t be able to capture who she really was. I think someone who knew her well outside of the office would give a much richer tribute. I’d be glad to share a few work memories with them if that helps.”
When the Relationship Was Complicated
If you had a difficult relationship with the person who died you don’t need to get into it.
“Thank you for thinking of me. I don’t feel I’m the right person to speak at the service, but I’ll be there to support you.”
******************
“I appreciate you asking. It’s not something I’m able to do, but I hope the service is everything you want it to be.”
When You Already Said Yes and Need to Back Out
Backing out isn’t great but doing it early is far better than letting them know the day before. Or worse turning up and not being able to do it. Or just not turning up at all.
“I’m so sorry to do this. When you asked me to speak I said yes straight away because I wanted to do it for Grandpa. But I’ve tried to write something every night this week and I just can’t. I’m telling you now so there’s still time to ask someone else. I feel awful about it. I’ll send over everything I’ve written so far in case any of it is useful.”
******************
“I need to be honest with you. I don’t think I’m going to be able to speak on Friday after all. I’m so sorry for the late notice. Can I help find someone else, or put my notes together so someone could read them?”
If you’ve already written something offering it to the family is a lovely gesture. The officiant or another family member can read it on your behalf.
Ways to Honor Them Without Giving a Speech
A lot of the guilt around saying no comes from feeling like you’re letting the person who died down. But a eulogy is only one way to pay tribute. There are lots of other things you can do that help a grieving family.
Write Something for Someone Else to Read
If it’s the speaking you can’t do rather than the writing then try writing a short tribute and ask the officiant or a family member to read it out. Introduce it as “a few words from Sarah, who couldn’t be up here today.” Our short eulogy examples are a good starting point for this and they don’t have to be long.
Share Memories With Whoever Is Speaking
Whoever ends up giving the eulogy will be grateful for material. A funny story, something about them everyone recognized, something they used to say.
Even three or four memories written in a quick email can be the difference between a generic tribute and one that really sounds like the person. If they’re struggling with structure they can try our guide on how to write a eulogy.
Do a Reading Instead
Some people who can’t give a personal speech find they can manage a short reading. You’re reading someone else’s words, there’s less emotion tied up in it and it’s usually only a minute or two. Have a look through these funeral poems if you’d like to suggest one.
Help Behind the Scenes
Put together a photo slideshow. Make the order of service. Organize the flowers. Greet people at the door. Set up and run the guest book. These jobs need doing and they free up the family to focus on grieving.
Say a Few Words Later
If there’s a gathering or reception after the service you might find it easier to share a memory with a small group over a coffee than from a podium. Some families also do a more relaxed toast at the wake. If that feels like something you could do then our guide to making a funeral toast might help.
Write in the Memory Book
A heartfelt message in the condolence book is something the family can keep and read again and again. If you’re stuck on what to put see what to write in a condolence book.
What Not to Say When You Decline
Most people get this right without trying. But a few things are worth avoiding.
- Don’t over explain. A long list of reasons can sound defensive and makes the conversation about you.
- Don’t say “maybe” if you mean no. It leaves the family hanging and waiting on you when they need to make plans.
- Don’t suggest someone else without asking them first. Volunteering a cousin who then also says no just adds to the stress.
- Don’t critique the plans. “I don’t think there should be speeches anyway” isn’t helpful even if it’s how you feel.
- Don’t make promises you won’t keep. If you offer to help with the slideshow, make sure the slideshow gets made.
- Don’t disappear. Declining doesn’t mean you don’t or won’t show up. Unless you really can’t attend – be there on the day. (If you can’t these ideas for what to say when you can’t attend a funeral might help.)
Dealing With the Guilt
Even when you know you made the right call it’s normal to feel guilty about it. I certainly did. When I’ve been to memorials where I said no I spent most of the service wondering if everyone was thinking “why isn’t she up there?”
But nobody was. Most people at a memorial have no idea who was asked to speak and who wasn’t. They’re thinking about the person who died and about their own memories.
A few things that helped me:
- Remembering that the family asked because they wanted a good tribute and by saying no I made room for one
- Telling the person who did speak how much their words meant (they were nervous too)
- Finding my own private way to say goodbye
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it rude to decline giving a eulogy?
No. It’s only rude if you take a long time to answer, give a vague reply or back out at the last minute without warning. A prompt, kind no is perfectly acceptable and most families understand.
How soon should I let them know?
As soon as you can. Ideally in the same conversation or within 24 hours. Memorial services are often planned in less than a week, so the family needs time to find someone else.
Can I say no if I’m the only child or the spouse?
Yes. There’s no rule that immediate family has to speak. A close friend, another relative or the officiant can give the eulogy. You can also write something and have it read on your behalf.
What if they keep asking after I’ve said no?
Stay kind but firm. Something like “I know it matters to you and I really wish I could, but my answer is still no. I’d love to help in another way though.” Repeating yourself calmly is fine. You don’t need to come up with new reasons.
Should I still go to the memorial if I declined to speak?
Yes, unless there’s another reason you can’t. Being there matters far more to most families than who stands at the front.
Saying No Is Okay
Being asked to speak at a memorial says something lovely about the place you held in someone’s life. Turning it down doesn’t take that away.
Thank them and give them your answer quickly and kindly. If you can then offer another way to help. Then go to the service and grieve.
