Celebration of life’s are becoming more popular but they’re still not that well known. So if you’re not that familiar with them you might feel a bit lost in a way you wouldn’t at a traditional funeral.
There may be music and laughter, a backyard instead of a chapel and an invitation that says “no black, please.” It’s hard to know what the rules are when the usual ones are gone.
But thankfully the rules are mostly the same kind of ones that apply to any gathering after a death. Be there for the family. Follow their lead. Make sure the focus stays on the person who died.
What’s different is the tone. A celebration of life is usually lighter and more personal. Guests are often invited to take part rather than just sit and listen.
So if you’re worried about getting something wrong this guide goes through the things people tend to worry about as a guest, from RSVPs to if it’s okay to laugh, plus a section for families planning one. If you’re still not sure how it differs from a funeral our guide to celebration of life vs funeral explains it.
The Short Version
If you need some quick tips these are the most important bits:
- RSVP if the invitation asks you to.
- Dress the way the family has asked or neat and comfortable if they haven’t said.
- Arrive on time or a little early.
- Say something simple and kind to the family.
- Join in with the mood. If people are laughing you can laugh too.
- Share a memory if there’s a time for it but keep it short.
- Don’t stay so long that the family has to look after you.
Before the Celebration
Should You RSVP?
Yes, if the invitation asks for one. Celebrations of life are often held at restaurants, halls or homes where the family has to plan food and seating so a head count really helps them.
If there’s no RSVP you don’t need to send one. You can just turn up.
A quick text to a family member or friend saying you’ll be there is still a nice touch if you know them well.
If you can’t go let them know as early as you can. Our celebration of life invitation wording page shows the kind of details families usually include which can help you know what’s expected.
Who Is Invited?
Some celebrations of life are open to anyone who knew the person but many are small and private. Read the invitation or obituary carefully.
- If it was posted publicly, like in an obituary or on social media, you’re welcome to go.
- If you got a personal invitation assume it’s for the people named on it.
- Don’t bring a plus one or extra friends unless the invitation says so or you’ve asked first.
- Children are often welcome at a celebration of life but check if you aren’t sure.
Timing Can Feel Unusual
Celebrations of life are sometimes held weeks or even months after the death. This gives the family time to plan or when relatives can travel.
That doesn’t mean the family is any less emotional. Treat it with the same care you would a funeral held the week after.
If you’ve already sent a card you don’t need to send another one. But bringing one on the day is still welcome.
What to Wear
Follow the invitation. Families often ask for a theme or a color at a celebration of life, like the person’s favorite color, a sports jersey or something bright. If they’ve asked then go along with it. It’s part of how they want the day to feel.
If there’s no dress code smart casual is a safe choice. Think about the venue too. A beach or park will want comfortable shoes and something for the weather.
If you’re not sure then dark or muted colors are never wrong. Just leave the very formal black suit at home if the family has asked for color.
Arriving and Greeting the Family
Try to arrive on time. Celebrations of life can feel informal but there’s usually a planned part with speeches or a slideshow. Walking in halfway through is rude and distracting.
When you get there look for a guest book and sign it. Families often read these later and like knowing who came.
Then find the closest family members if you can. You don’t need to say much.
A hug or handshake and one sentence is enough and they’ll likely have a long line of people to speak to.
Simple Things to Say
- I’m so sorry. [Name] was such a good person.
- Thank you for putting this together. It’s a lovely way to remember them.
- I have so many happy memories of [Name].
- [Name] would have loved this.
- I’m really glad I could be here today.
- I don’t know what to say, but I wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.
- This feels so much like [Name]. They’d be laughing right now.
- I worked with [Name] for years. They were the best part of the office.
For more ideas take a look at our guide on what to say at a celebration of life.
What to Avoid Saying
- Asking how the person died or what happened at the end
- “At least it’s a party, not a funeral”. The family is still grieving so this is going to be upsetting.
- “I know how you feel” – Everyone’s loss is different.
- Bringing up old family disagreements or anything about the will
- Comparing the event to other funerals or celebrations you’ve been to
During the Celebration
Is It Okay to Laugh?
Yes. A celebration of life is meant to remember the good parts of someone’s life, and that will include funny stories. If the family is laughing you should feel fine about joining in.
It’s also okay to cry. Lots of people do both in the same afternoon. I’ve always found that the funniest stories are often the ones that set people off and nobody minds.
What you want to avoid is being the loudest person in the room. Laugh with others and not over them.
Sharing a Memory or Speaking
Many celebrations of life have an open mic or a time when the host invites guests to share a story. You don’t have to speak. But if you’d like to a few things help:
- Keep it short: Two or three minutes is plenty especially if lots of people want a turn.
- Tell one good story: One memory told well is great. It’ll be better than a list of everything you remember.
- Keep it kind: Gentle teasing is fine if it’s the kind of thing the person would have laughed at. Embarrassing secrets are not a good idea.
- Think about who’s listening: There may be children, elderly relatives and people from every part of the person’s life.
- Don’t make it about you: It’s fine to say how you knew them but bring it back to them.
- Ask first if it’s planned: If speeches have been arranged ahead of time check with the family before adding yourself.
Our celebration of life speech examples can help you put a few words together if you’d like to say something.
Taking Part in Activities
Families sometimes plan something for guests to do together. It might be writing on a memory card, adding to a memory jar, lighting a candle, planting a seed or raising a glass for a toast etc.
Join in if you’re comfortable. If you’d rather not that’s fine too. Just stand quietly while others take part.
Phones and Photos
Keep your phone on silent and out of sight for any planned part of the event like speeches or a slideshow.
Photos are more common at a celebration of life than at a funeral and some families ask for them. But don’t assume. If you aren’t sure just ask a family member before taking any and never photograph a grieving person without asking.
Check with the family before you post anything online too. Some would love to see the photos shared but there’s a good chance some want the day to stay private.
Food and Drink
Many celebrations of life include food and some have a bar or a toast. Enjoy it but go easy on the alcohol. You want to remember the day and you don’t want the family worrying about you.
If it’s a potluck the invitation should say so. Only bring food if you’ve been asked.
If you’d like to help then offering to carry plates or refill drinks is always appreciated.
Bringing Children
Children are usually more welcome at a celebration of life than at a funeral. Bring a few things to keep them busy and be ready to take them outsider if they get restless during speeches.
Be sure to keep a close eye on them at outdoor venue especially near water or roads.
Cards, Flowers, Gifts and Money
Cards
A card is always welcome. There’s often a basket or table for them near the entrance. Write something about the person’s life as that fits the spirit of the day.
A couple of examples:
- What a life [Name] lived. I feel so lucky to have been part of it.
- Celebrating [Name] with you today and missing them with you always.
- [Name] made everything more fun. I’ll never forget them.
- Thank you for bringing us all together for [Name]. Sending you so much love.
You’ll find many more in our sympathy card messages.
Flowers
Flowers are fine at most celebrations of life but it’s better to have them delivered to the venue ahead of time than to carry a big arrangement in yourself. Check the invitation for “in lieu of flowers” first.
Our guide to in lieu of flowers etiquette explains what to do if the family has asked for donations instead.
Gifts and Money
Gifts aren’t expected. If you’d like to give something it’s usually better to drop it off or send it a week or two later when the visitors have stopped coming.
Money isn’t usually expected either unless the family has set up a memorial fund or a collection. In some cultures and communities giving money in an envelope is the custom. If so follow the lead of people close to the family.
When to Leave
Celebrations of life often have a loose finish rather than an obvious ending. There’s no set time you have to stay.
- Stay at least through any planned speeches, music or slideshow.
- Say goodbye to a close family member before you go if they aren’t busy.
- Offer to help clear up if it’s at a home, park or hall.
- Don’t be the last one there unless you’re close to the family and helping.
If You Can’t Go
It’s okay if you can’t make it. Let the family know as soon as you can though.
Then try to send a card, a message or a photo of the person they might not have seen. Some families also stream the event or share a recording so it’s fine to ask if that’s the case.
Our guide on what to say when you can’t attend a funeral has wording you can use.
A few short examples:
- I’m so sorry I can’t be there to celebrate [Name] with you. I’ll be thinking of you all day.
- I wish I could be with you today. I’ll raise a glass to [Name] from here.
- I can’t make it, but I wanted to send this photo of [Name]. It always makes me smile.
Etiquette for Families Planning a Celebration of Life
If you’re the one planning try not to feel too much pressure. That’s easier said than done but remember that there isn’t a right way to hold a celebration of life and guests will be happy just to be together.
But a few things can make the day go smoother for everyone.
Be Clear in the Invitation
Guests will look to the invitation for almost everything so give them the details they’ll wonder about:
- Date, time and full address, with parking details if it’s hard to find
- Whether it’s open to everyone or by invitation
- Any dress code or theme
- Whether children are welcome
- Whether to bring food, photos or a story
- Whether you’d like flowers or donations
- Whether you need an RSVP, and by when
If you’d like help with wording the invitation examples linked earlier give you lots of ideas to start from.
Plan a Simple Running Order
Even a relaxed gathering will help to have a rough plan. Decide when people will arrive, when any speeches or music will happen and roughly when things will wind down.
A short printed program helps guests follow along and you’ll find ideas in our celebration of life program wording examples.
If you’re holding an open mic then ask someone you trust to host it. They can keep the stories to a few minutes each and step in if anyone goes on too long.
Ask for Help
People will want to help. I promise. So let them.
Ask a friend to greet guests, another to look after the food and someone else to handle music or the slideshow.
You don’t need to be the host as well as the grieving family. Let someone else take care of the details so you can spend time with the people who came.
Thank People Afterward
You don’t need to send thank you notes to every guest. But it’s kind to thank the people who spoke or helped on the day.
The same goes for anyone who sent flowers or a donation. A short note or text a few weeks later is good enough.
Quick Tips to Remember
- Read the invitation twice. It answers most questions.
- When in doubt ask a friend of the family rather than the closest relatives.
- Follow the family’s lead on tone, dress and activities.
- Keep stories short, kind and about the person who died.
- Silence your phone and ask before taking photos.
- Go easy on the alcohol.
- Check in with the family a few weeks later. A simple text can mean a lot once things go quiet.
It’s normal to feel a little unsure walking into a celebration of life, especially if it’s your first. Most families aren’t going to be expecting perfect behavior though. They just want the people who loved their person to come together and remember them well.
So make sure you go, follow their lead and bring a memory if you have one. That’s really all the etiquette there is.