There aren’t really any words that fix a stillbirth. I want to say that right at the start because if you’ve found your way here hoping I’ll be able to give you the perfect words that takes away someone’s pain then I’d be lying to you.
But there are both kinder things you can say and also clumsier things you can say. And most of us just want to make sure we keep on the kinder side.
That’s what this guide is for. A bit of help so you can be there for someone who has just lost their baby and not freeze up or say the wrong thing in a panic.
A stillbirth is the loss of a baby at or after 20 weeks of pregnancy, often right at the very end, sometimes during birth itself. It happens to around 1 in 175 births in the US, which works out at roughly 21,000 babies every single year. And yet hardly anyone talks about it. Which is part of why the people going through it can feel so alone.
I think it helps to remember this was a baby the parents had already met in their minds many times over. They’d likely picked a name. They may have got to hold their little one.
So this isn’t some abstract loss to them. It’s their son or their daughter. The language we use should treat the baby as that.
If the loss happened earlier in pregnancy you might find my miscarriage condolences guide a better fit in this situation. But for stillbirth specifically this is
What to Say to Someone After a Stillbirth
If you just need something to say or send right now these short messages are a safe place to start. They’re simple on purpose.
- I am so deeply sorry. There are no words, but I’m here and I’m thinking of you
- I’m holding you in my heart today and every day that follows
- Your baby was loved and your baby mattered. I’m so sorry
- I can’t imagine your pain, but you don’t have to carry it alone
- I’m so sorry for the loss of your little one. I’m here whenever you need me, for as long as you need me
- There’s nothing I can say to make this better. Just know I love you and I’m not going anywhere
- My heart breaks for you and [partner]. Sending you all my love
- I’m so sorry [baby’s name] isn’t here. I’ll never forget that he/she existed
Using the baby’s name, if they had one and you know it, means more than almost anything else you can do. I’ll come back to that further down because it matters a lot.
Short Sympathy Messages for a Stillbirth (for Texts and Cards)
Sometimes a text is the right way to say something, especially in the early days when a phone call feels like too much for them to answer. Keep these short and don’t expect a reply.
- Thinking of you and [baby’s name]. No need to respond. Just sending love
- I’m so sorry. I’m here, day or night
- There are no right words. I just didn’t want today to pass without you knowing I’m thinking of you
- Holding you close in my thoughts. I love you
- I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby. Sending love to you both
- You and [baby’s name] are on my mind. Always
If you’d like more wording along these lines then our short sympathy messages have more you can change and use.
Messages for a Close Friend After a Stillbirth
When it’s a close friend you can be a little more personal and not have to be as careful. They know you so they’re going to want you say something and for it be warm, not a formal greeting card line.
- I love you and I’m so heartbroken for you. I’m here for whatever you need, even if that’s just sitting in silence together
- I don’t have the words and I’m not going to pretend I do. But I’m not going anywhere and I’ll keep showing up
- [Baby’s name] is part of your story now and I’ll always remember him/her with you
- I’ll bring food round on Thursday and I won’t expect you to talk. Leave the door open and I’ll let myself in
- You’re allowed to fall apart. I’ve got you
With close friends the offer of a specific bit of help is much better than saying “let me know if you need anything.” If you offer to drop off dinner on a specific day that means they don’t have to organise you. They’ve got nothing left to organise anyone with.
What to Say to Your Own Child Who Lost a Baby
If it’s your son or daughter who has lost their baby you’re grieving twice over. You’ve lost a grandchild and you’re watching your own child going through unimaginable pain. That’s a very difficult place to be to write or say anything.
- I would take this pain from you if I could. I’m so sorry, my love. I’m right here
- [Baby’s name] was my grandchild and I will love and remember him/her always
- You don’t have to be strong for me. Let me be strong for you for a while
- I’m so proud of you and I’m so sorry. Whatever you need, for however long, I’m here
- We will carry [baby’s name] with us as a family. He/she will always be one of us
It’s also fine, and often welcome, to let them see the grief you’re going through. Hiding it can make a parent feel they have to manage your feelings on top of their own.
What to Write in a Card After a Stillbirth
A card is something they can keep. Many bereaved parents will keep every single one they receive. So keep it short and don’t try to fill the space just because it’s there.
- With all my love at this heartbreaking time. [Baby’s name] will always be remembered
- There are no words for a loss this deep. Please know you’re surrounded by love and I’m here for you
- So very sorry for the loss of your precious little one. Thinking of your whole family
- Your baby was loved from the very first moment. I’m holding you all in my heart
- Sending love and strength to you and [partner]. We won’t forget [baby’s name]
If you’re not sure how to close it then our guide on how to sign a sympathy card has good wording examples for the last line.
Religious Messages
Only use these if you know the family was religious. For some parents it’s a real comfort. For others such a raw point in time it can feel hollow or even hurtful.
- May God hold [baby’s name] safely and may He carry you through this. You’re in my prayers
- Your little one is wrapped in God’s love now. Praying for peace to find your family
- I’m praying for you both, and for the precious baby you’ll see again one day
- May you feel God’s comfort even in the moments that feel impossible. So very sorry
You’ll find more along these lines in our words of sympathy for the loss of a child post too.
What NOT to Say After a Stillbirth
This is the part that’s probably the most important. With stillbirth in particular there’s lots of well meaning phrases that can really hurt. People say them trying to help without realizing the offence they can causes. Here are the main ones to avoid saying.
“At least you can have another baby”
This is probably the worst of them. A new pregnancy doesn’t replace the baby they just lost. If you say this then you’re essentially telling them their baby was interchangeable.
“Everything happens for a reason”
There is no reason that makes a stillbirth okay. This phrase asks them to find meaning in the worst day of their life. Don’t say or use it.
“At least it happened before you really knew them”
They knew them. They will have felt them move and had names picked out as well as a due date circled on the calendar. The bond was already there.
“You need to stay strong”
Telling someone to be strong can make them feel they have to bottle it all up around you. Let them grieve how they want or need to.
“I know exactly how you feel”
Even if you’ve lost a baby yourself, every loss is its own. “I can’t imagine” or “I’m here” is better than claiming to know. For more on this our post on what not to say to someone grieving looks at it further.
How to Support Someone After a Stillbirth
Words matter but what you do over the following weeks and months matters just as much, if not more. This is what you can do to help.
- Use the baby’s name. If the baby was named be sure to use it. Out loud, in cards, in conversation and so on. I’ve heard so parents say that their deepest fear is their child will be forgotten and that nobody will ever say the name again. You won’t be “reminding” them of their loss by saying it. They won’t have forgotten.
- Acknowledge the baby as a baby. Not “the pregnancy” or “what happened.” Their son or their daughter.
- Offer specific, practical help. Drop off meals. Walk the dog. Do a supermarket run. Handle some of the phone calls they’re dreading. Don’t make them tell or ask you what you can do.
- Keep being there for them after the funeral. The cards stop after a couple of weeks and that’s often when it gets hardest. Put a reminder in your phone to check in a month later, three months later, on the due date, on the anniversary etc.
- Remember the hard dates. The original due date and the anniversary of the loss are the hardest. A simple “thinking of you and [baby’s name] today” on those days will mean the world to them.
- Don’t avoid them because you’re scared of saying the wrong thing. They will forgive the wrong thing if you’ve said it with love. Not being there is the thing that really hurts.
If you want to do something that will last our sympathy gift ideas has sone good options and a remembrance keepsake with the baby’s name on it is something the parents will treasure.
Final Thoughts
You’re not going to get this perfect. No one does.
But the parents won’t remember whether your sentence was beautifully worded. They’ll remember that you said their baby’s name, that you didn’t look away, and that you were still there when everyone else had gone back to their normal lives.
So send them a text. Drop off some food if you can. Write a card even if it feels like it’s big enough. It may feel inadequate but you’re showing you care and your love and that’s what’s really needed at this time.
If you’re also helping the family with arrangements you might find our guides on obituary examples for a baby and child eulogy examples a good place to start. And for comforting words to share these gone too soon quotes may help.
