It can feel very strange when you hear an ex has died. You don’t experience the grief of losing someone you were still building a life with, but it’s something thats harder to explain.
You loved this person once. Maybe you built a home together, or maybe it was a short romance years ago.
And now they are gone and you aren’t sure how to feel. On top of all that comes a very practical question that needs answering, sometimes within days: should you go to the funeral?
I have talked with a lot of people going through this and there isn’t really one correct answer here. And frankly anyone who tells you there is hasn’t had to deal with how complex this can be.
What there is instead is a way of thinking it through so that whatever you decide you can feel at peace with it. That is what this guide is for.
I’ll take you through why it feels so complicated, the questions you should ask yourself before you decide, when it usually makes sense to attend, when it might be better to stay away and how to handle yourself gracefully either way.
Should You Attend an Ex’s Funeral?
The short answer is that it depends. And on more than just how you feel.
Attending the funeral of an ex is rarely as simple as attending the funeral of a friend or a family member. You are no longer part of the inner circle, the relationship may have ended in so many different ways and there are other people’s feelings that have to be considered. A current spouse, grieving parents, children, old friends who picked sides during the breakup.
So you shouldn’t come down on a yes or no straight away. It may help to slow down and look at the specifics of your situation.
Most people who ask this already know, deep down, what they want to do. What they are really looking for is permission to trust that instinct. Or perhaps a reason to reconsider it.
Why This Decision Feels So Complicated
Part of what makes this so difficult is that society does not really give us a script for grieving an ex. When your grandmother dies everyone knows what to do.
Cards arrive, people offer condolences, your workplace gives you time off. The grief is recognized and you’ll be supported.
But when an ex dies none of that happens. People often assume that because the relationship ended the feelings ended too.
But if you’re reading this you’ll know it’s not that simple.
Grief experts have a name for this. Dr Kenneth Doka, a grief specialist, coined the term disenfranchised grief back in 1989 to describe loss that is not openly acknowledged or socially supported. The death of an ex partner is one of his classic examples.
It is grief you often feel you have no right to. You can’t mourn out loud and any sorrow you do express gets met with awkward silence or a someone saying “but you two split up years ago”.
Having a name for it helps. What you feel isn’t strange.
This matters for the funeral question because your decision is going to be pulled in two directions at once. On one side is your own need to grieve and find some closure for a chapter of your life that mattered. On the other side is the reality that a funeral is really for the closest mourners and your presence could be awkward.
Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Decide
Before you decide either way think about the questions below. They will help you each the right conclusion.
How Did the Relationship End?
This is usually the biggest factor. An amicable parting where you stayed friendly and wished each other well is a very different situation from a bitter divorce or a breakup that involved betrayal, cruelty or worse.
If you parted on good terms your presence at the funeral is far more likely to be welcomed. If it ended badly and there are still raw feelings on either side that changes the picture a lot.
Do you Share Children?
If you and your ex had children together that’s a big deal. Your children have lost a parent and they will need you there.
Most funeral etiquette assumes that children, especially younger ones, will be accompanied by their surviving parent. In that case your attendance is not really about you and your ex at all.
Its about being there for your kids on one of the hardest days of their lives. That is reason enough to go.
Have Either of you Remarried or Repartnered?
If your ex remarried their current spouse is the main mourner and it’s their comfort that matters. The same is true in reverse.
If you have a new partner their feelings deserve consideration too. This does not automatically rule out attending but it does mean you should think about whether your presence would add to someone’s pain on a day that is already so hard for them.
What is your Relationship with Their Family Now?
Some people stay close to an ex’s parents and siblings for years after a split. Others lose touch completely.
If you have kept those bonds going you may be family in the ways that count and they may miss you not being there. If you have not spoken to them in a decade then showing up unannounced is going to be strange regardless of your intentions.
What is your Real Reason for Wanting to Go?
You’ve got to be really honest with yourself about this one. If the reason you’re going is love, respect, gratitude for the good years or you need to say a private goodbye then those are reasons that will result in the right sort of behavior.
If part of you wants to be seen, to prove something, to correct the record or to have a certain conversation you should reconsider. Funerals are not the place to resolve old business.
When You Probably Should Go
There are situations where attending makes real sense and where staying away might leave you with more regret. You will likely be glad you went if:
- You shared children and your kids need you there beside them
- You parted on good terms and stayed friendly over the years
- You remained close to their family and they would expect and welcome you
- You had a long marriage or partnership and those years still mean something to you
- You feel a need for closure and can attend while being calm and respectful
In these cases most families will be happy for you to attend. You need to come as a mourner rather than as an ex though, if that makes sense. You are there to honor the person and support the people who loved them, that’s all.
When It Might Be Better to Stay Home
Just as there are clear reasons to go, there are good reasons to not to as well. Staying away is not the same as being disrespectful. It might be the better choice if:
- The breakup was bitter and there are still hard feelings on either side
- You know your presence would cause tension or upset for the family
- The current spouse has made it clear they would be uncomfortable you being there
- You are not close to the family and they would not expect you
- You suspect that seeing you would take focus off of the people who should be the center of the day
Funerals are already heavy with emotion and families sometimes hope certain people will not turn up. If you sense that you are one of them it’s best to stay away.
For Difficult and Harmful Relationships
Not every relationship ends because two good people grew apart. Some end because of cruelty, control, betrayal or abuse.
If that was your experience the death of your ex can stir up a confusing mix of feelings that has nothing to do with the grief people expect. You might feel sadness and relief at the same time.
You might feel nothing at all and then feel guilty for feeling nothing. You might feel a grief that you’re surprised by how strong it is even after everything.
Whatever you do feel is allowed and you don’t owe anyone your attendance. If going to the funeral would reopen wounds and put you back in a room with people who hurt you you have every right to stay away.
No etiquette means you have to pay tribute to someone who harmed you. Protecting your own peace is not selfish.
If You Do Decide to Attend
Once you have made your peace with going, a little etiquette goes a long way toward keeping the day smooth for everyone, yourself included. Most of it comes down to being considerate and fairly low key.
Keep a Low Profile
This is the biggest one. Arrive quietly, stay in the background and let the family and closest friends be the focus. You are there to pay your respects, not to be noticed.
Know Where to Sit
Since you are no longer part of the immediate family the friend section toward the back is usually where you belong. The main exception is if you are there with your children, in which case you may need to sit with them in the family section, especially if they are young.
If that feels uncomfortable you can ask a family member whether they would sit with your child instead so they are supported and you are not sat somewhere that feels wrong.
What to Say to the Family
You don’t have to have a speech prepared or anything like that. A few sincere word of sympathy is enough. Something simple works best.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have such good memories of ______ and I wanted to pay my respects.
******************
______ meant a great deal to me once, and I am so sorry. My thoughts are with all of you.
******************
I did not want to intrude, only to say how sorry I am. ______ will be missed.
If you would like more help finding the right words for the family, our guide on what to say at a funeral will help.
Dress the Part
Traditional funeral attire is the best choice here. You want to blend in, not stand out, so dark and understated clothing is a good move.
If you are unsure our guide on what to wear to a funeral will give you some ideas.
Look After your Own Emotions
Grief has a way of hitting us when we least expect it. An ex’s funeral can bring up more than you expect.
It’s normal if a wave of emotion hits. But if you feel yourself becoming the focus it’s fine to step outside for a few minutes to collect yourself.
Bringing a supportive friend along, someone who can be there for you, is a good idea if the family wouldn’t mind
If You Decide Not to Attend
You have a lot of ways to mark the loss and express your sympathy from a distance.
- Send a sympathy card or a handwritten note to the family
- Send flowers to the service or to the family home
- Make a donation to a cause the deceased cared about, in their memory
- Visit the grave or a place that was special to you both once things have quieted down
- Hold your own small, private goodbye, like lighting a candle, writing a letter you will never send or just going over your memories
If you would like guidance on wording your absence kindly our post on what to say when you cannot attend a funeral is a good starting point and funeral flower messages can help if you decide to send an arrangement.
A private goodbye can be every bit as healing as a public one. What matters is that you honor the loss in a way that feels right for you.
What About an Ex’s Family Member’s Funeral?
Sometimes the question is not about your ex at all but about your ex’s parent, sibling or other relative who has died. Maybe you were close to your former mother in law or you grew fond of your ex’s brother during the years you were together.
The same principles apply. If you stayed close to that person and their family through the years then attending or at least sending your condolences is the appropriate thing to do.
If you drifted apart long ago then a heartfelt note to your ex and any relatives you were close to is often the right thing to do, especially where children are involved and can pass along your sympathy in person.
Final Thoughts
Whatever you decide the right answer is whatever is right for you and your circumstances. Some people find peace by standing at the back of a church and saying a final goodbye. Others like to stay at home, light a candle and let the memories wash over them in private.
The relationship ended but it was still a part of your life and so is the loss.
If you are struggling to process it all, our page of expert grief support has advice from professionals who understand grief in all its complexity.
