Someone you know has lost a person they loved and you want to send a few words. You’ve got the card or are ready to send a text but nothing you’ve thought of sounds quite right.
That’s very normal. Most of us only write a condolence message a handful of times so nobody gets much practice.
But a kind message isn’t that difficult to come up with and they usually follow a similar pattern. Once you know it the words come a lot easier.
So here we’ll go through how to write a condolence message each step at a time with a short example at each stage. It also answers the two questions people ask most: what a condolence message should say and how long it should be.
If you just want wording to copy or adapt our full list of condolence messages has hundreds of examples sorted by relationship. Come back here when you want to write your own.
What Should a Condolence Message Say?
At its simplest a condolence message tells the person three things: you heard, you’re sorry and you care about them.
Everything else is down to you if you want to include it. A memory of the person who died, offering to help or a closing line can make the message mean more but a card that only says “I’m so sorry about your dad. Thinking of you” still does its job.
A good message usually includes some of these:
- An acknowledgment of the loss, ideally using the name of the person who died
- A plain expression of sympathy
- Something you remember or valued about them if you knew them
- A specific offer of help if you’re in a position to follow through with it
- A closing line and your name
What it doesn’t need is an explanation of the death, advice about grief or anything that tries to find a bright side. We’ve put together a separate list of what not to say to someone grieving if you want to check a line before you send it.
How Long Should a Condolence Message Be?
For a sympathy card – two to five sentences is plenty. That fits comfortably inside most cards and is easy for a tired, and grieving person to read.
A text or social media comment can be just one line. An email or letter can be longer, especially if you’re sharing a memory, but a few short paragraphs is usually the most anyone needs.
If you’re not close to the family then don’t make it too long. If you were close to the person who died you can write more though a longer message works best when the extra length comes from a memory.
SEE MORE: Short Sympathy Messages
How to Write a Condolence Message, Step by Step
This is the order I’d follow. You won’t always use every step, for example a coworker you didn’t know particularly well might get steps one, two and five. A close friend might get all six.
Step 1: Start With Their Name
Open with “Dear Sarah” or just “Sarah”, the way you’d normally address them. If you’re writing to a family then “Dear Mark, Ellen and family” or “To the Johnson family” both work.
Step 2: Acknowledge the Loss
Say what happened in plain words and use the name of the person who died if you know it. Grieving people often say they like hearing the name because it shows the person is still being remembered.
Some people also find “died” kinder than vague phrases although “passed away” is fine too if that’s how the family talks about it.
- I was so sorry to hear that your mom died last week.
- I just heard about Tom and I’m so sorry.
- We were heartbroken to learn of Grace’s death.
Step 3: Say You’re Sorry
This is usually the same sentence as step two which isn’t a problem. Keep it simple. You don’t need fancy wording for it to sound sincere.
- I’m so sorry for your loss.
- I’m thinking of you and your family.
- There are no right words, but I wanted you to know I care.
If “sorry for your loss” feels too cliche to you we have some alternatives to “sorry for your loss” that say the same thing a little differently.
Step 4: Share a Memory or Quality
This is the part people remember. If you knew the person who died then a small, specific detail will means a lot more than a list of adjectives. It could be something like the way they laughed, a thing they always said, an inside joke etc.
If you didn’t know them you can mention what the person you’re writing to told you about them or just leave this step out.
- I’ll always remember your dad standing at the grill every Fourth of July, refusing all help.
- Ruth was the first person at work to make me feel welcome. I’ve never forgotten that.
- I didn’t get to meet your grandmother, but I loved hearing your stories about her garden.
Step 5: Offer Help (Only If You Mean It)
“Let me know if you need anything” is nice but it makes the person grieving have to do the work to ask for something. A specific offer is easier to accept. Only make one you’re able to follow through on it though.
- I’d like to drop off dinner on Thursday. I’ll text you before I come.
- I can pick the kids up from school next week if that helps.
- No need to reply to this. I’ll call you in a couple of weeks to see how you’re doing.
Step 6: Close Warmly and Sign
End with a short closing line and your name. Add your surname or how they know you if there’s any chance they won’t recognize your first name alone.
- With love and sympathy,
- Thinking of you,
- Holding you close in my thoughts,
- With deepest sympathy,
If the family is religious and you share their faith then “You’re in my prayers” or “May God give you comfort” fits well here. If you’re not sure a non religious closing is the safer way to go. There are lots more options in our guide on how to sign a sympathy card.
Worked Examples
Here’s how those steps would sound/read when all put together for a few common situations. Add your own names and details.
For a Close Friend
Dear Jess,
I’m so sorry about your mom. I know how close you two were and I can only imagine how much you’re missing her right now.
I’ll always remember her at your 30th, dancing with everyone and making sure nobody went home hungry. She made me feel like part of the family.
I’m going to bring dinner over on Wednesday, and I’ll text before I come. You don’t need to reply to this.
All my love,
________
******************
For a Coworker
Dear Daniel,
I was so sorry to hear about your father. Please take all the time you need, and know that we’re thinking of you here.
With sympathy,
________
******************
For Someone Whose Loved One You Didn’t Know
Dear Maria,
I just heard that your brother died and I’m so sorry. From the way you’ve talked about him, I know he meant a great deal to you.
Thinking of you and your family,
________
******************
For a Family
Dear Hendersons,
We were heartbroken to hear about Bill. He was the kind of neighbor who noticed when your trash cans blew over and quietly put them back. Our street won’t feel the same without him.
If you’d like help with the yard or anything else over the next few weeks, just knock. We’re right next door.
With love and sympathy,
________
******************
A Short Text Message
Just heard about your grandpa. I’m so sorry, Sam. Thinking of you today and here whenever you want to talk.
For more on wording texts, our guide on how to offer condolences via text has extra examples.
Tips for Writing a Condolence Message
- Write a rough draft on scrap paper or your phone first, especially for a card, so you aren’t crossing things out.
- Write the way you’d talk to them. If you’d never say “my sincerest condolences” then you shouldn’t write it.
- Keep the focus on them and the person who died. Comparing it to your own losses usually comes across badly even when it’s meant well.
- Don’t guess at how they feel. “This must be so hard” is better than saying “I know exactly how you feel.”
- Avoid lines about reasons, plans or “a better place” unless you know the family shares that belief.
- Read it back once before you send it and check the spelling of every name.
- Send it even if it’s late. A message weeks after the funeral is still welcome. Our page on belated condolences has wording for that.
- For an email to a colleague or client keep the subject line simple. Something like “Thinking of you,” and see our condolence email samples for the rest.
What If You Still Can’t Find the Words?
Then say that. “I don’t know what to say, but I’m so sorry” is one of the most honest messages there is and most grieving people will have no problem receiving a message like that. In fact might even prefer that level of honesty.
Whatever you do end up writing isn’t going to be harshly judged if it doesn’t sound perfect. What stays with people is who reached out more than what anyone wrote.
