When someone you care about has lost a person they love one of first things most of us think to do is send flowers. It’s one of the oldest ways of saying “I’m thinking of you” without needing the right words.
Then the questions start. Do you send them to the funeral home or the house? Is a big standing spray too much?
What if the obituary says “in lieu of flowers”? And what do you write on that tiny card?
There aren’t strict rules to this and most families are simply touched that you thought of them. But a few guidelines can save you from an awkward moment, like a huge arrangement arriving at a house that has no room for it.
This guide covers who sends what, where and when to send funeral flowers, what to write and when it’s better to send something else. If you’ve already decided on flowers and just need the wording, our funeral flower messages have lots of examples.
Is It Appropriate to Send Flowers to a Funeral?
In most cases, yes. Flowers are one of the most common ways to show sympathy and they help make the service feel warm and cared for.
The main thing to check first is the obituary or funeral notice. If it says “in lieu of flowers” or asks for donations to a charity the family would rather you did that instead.
It’s fine to follow their wishes even if flowers feel more natural to you. We have a full guide to in lieu of flowers etiquette and alternatives if you want some ideas.
The other thing to think about is the family’s faith or culture, which we’ll come to further down. Flowers are welcome at most funerals in the US but not all of them.
Who Sends Which Funeral Flowers?
There’s a fairly loose tradition about who sends which type of arrangement. Nobody will be checking but it helps you pick something that fits your place in the person’s life.
Immediate family
The casket spray, the large arrangement that sits on top of the casket, is usually chosen by the immediate family. That might be the spouse, children, parents etc. If there’s an urn rather than a casket the family may choose a small arrangement to sit around it instead.
Close family often order the larger pieces too like heart shapes, wreaths, crosses or arrangements that spell out “Mom” or “Grandpa”.
If you’re not immediate family don’t order a casket spray. It can step on the family’s toes and they may already have one.
Extended family and close friends
Standing sprays on easels, wreaths and larger arrangements for the front of the room are the most common choices. These are sent to the funeral home or service venue so they can be displayed near the casket or urn.
Friends, neighbors and acquaintances
A smaller arrangement or basket works well. You can send it to the funeral home, but many people prefer to send flowers or a plant to the family’s home where the family will see them after the service is over.
Coworkers and businesses
Workplaces often send one arrangement from the whole team rather than lots of separate ones. A standing spray or a tasteful basket to the funeral home is usual or a plant to the home.
Where to Send Funeral Flowers
This depends mostly on the type of arrangement and how close you are to the family.
- To the funeral home or service venue: Best for standing sprays, wreaths and larger displays. Call the funeral home if you’re not sure what time to deliver or let your florist do it. Florists who handle funeral orders usually know the drill.
- To the family’s home: Best for vases, baskets and plants. These are easy for the family to keep and look after. Large funeral pieces on easels aren’t really made for a living room.
- To the church: Check with the church or funeral director first. Some churches have their own rules about flowers in the sanctuary and may ask that arrangements go to the funeral home or reception instead.
- To the cemetery: Usually only if the family asks or if you’re placing flowers yourself after the burial. Cemeteries have their own rules about what can be left on graves.
When to Send Them
For the funeral itself flowers should arrive in time to be set up before the visitation or service starts. Ordering as soon as you know the date is the easiest way to make sure of that.
For the home, there’s no deadline. In fact flowers that turn up a week or two later can mean a lot, once the house has gone quiet and most people have moved on.
We go into this in more detail in when to send flowers after a death.
What Kind of Flowers to Choose
You don’t need to know flower meanings to get this right. A florist will happily guide you if you tell them it’s for a funeral and roughly who it’s from.
A few things that might help:
- Lilies, roses, carnations and chrysanthemums are all very common funeral flowers. Lilies in particular are almost a classic.
- White and soft colors are the traditional choice and feel calm and peaceful.
- Red roses are often linked with deep love, so they’re more usual from a spouse or partner.
- Bright, cheerful colors are completely fine if they suit the person, especially for a celebration of life. If they loved sunflowers, send sunflowers.
- Their favorite flower or color is often the most personal choice of all. The family will usually notice and appreciate it.
One thing to keep in mind: if the family has friends or relatives from other countries, flower customs can differ. Chrysanthemums, for example, are strongly tied to funerals and graves in parts of Europe, which makes them right for a funeral but not for a “thinking of you” bouquet later on.
Cut flowers or a plant?
Cut flowers look lovely at the service but only last a week or so. A plant can last for years and becomes a living reminder of the person. Some people love that while others find it one more thing to look after at a hard time.
If you’re undecided then a plant to the home and nothing to the funeral home is a good choice. There’s more on this in sympathy gift vs flowers.
How Much Should You Spend?
There’s no right amount. Spend what you’re comfortable with. A small, simple arrangement sent with care means just as much as a large one.
As a rough guide the closer you are to the person the larger the arrangement tends to be. But nobody is comparing prices and the family won’t remember what it cost.
Religious and Cultural Customs
Most Christian funerals welcome flowers. Some other faiths and cultures do things differently and when in doubt it’s always fine to ask a close family member or the funeral home.
Christian funerals
Flowers are usually very welcome at Protestant and Catholic funerals. At a Catholic funeral Mass some parishes keep flowers in the church to a minimum so arrangements may stay at the funeral home or be moved to the reception. Your florist or the funeral director will know.
Jewish funerals
Flowers are not traditionally part of Jewish funerals and mourning. Instead people usually send food to the family’s home during shiva or make a donation to a charity in the person’s memory.
Muslim funerals
Customs vary between families and communities. Some welcome flowers and others prefer to keep things very simple. Food for the family or a donation is often a safer choice unless you know the family well.
Hindu and Buddhist funerals
Flowers are often part of these services, but the type of flowers and how they’re used can be quite specific. White flowers are a common choice. Ask the family or funeral home before sending anything large.
Celebrations of life and memorials
The usual rules relax a bit here. Bright colors and more personal arrangements fit well.
If there’s no funeral home involved send flowers to the family’s home or check with whoever is organizing the event.
What to Write on the Card
Always include a card so the family knows who sent the flowers. They’ll often keep a list so they can send thank you notes later and a missing name makes that hard.
Keep it short. The card is small and the family may read it in a busy room.
Sign it with your full name and add something like “and family” or the name of your company if that helps them place you.
A few simple examples:
- With deepest sympathy, The Garcia family
- Thinking of you all and remembering ______ with love
- In loving memory of a wonderful friend
- With love and sympathy from all of us at ______
- Forever in our hearts
- Holding you close in our thoughts today
- Gone from our sight but never from our hearts
- With sincere condolences and fond memories of ______
If you’re sending a wreath or spray with a ribbon the wording works a little differently. Our post on funeral flower ribbon wording covers that.
Is Sending Flowers Enough?
Flowers are a kind gesture but the little florist card doesn’t leave much room to say how you feel. If you knew the person well it’s a nice idea to send a separate sympathy card too, or bring one to the service.
If you can’t make it to the funeral then flowers are a lovely way to be there in spirit. You might put them with a message saying why you can’t come.
Our guide on what to say when you can’t attend a funeral has wording for that.
Funeral Flower Etiquette Tips
- Check the obituary for “in lieu of flowers” before ordering anything.
- Leave the casket spray to the immediate family.
- Send large standing pieces to the funeral home, not the house.
- Send vases, baskets and plants to the home.
- Order early enough for the flowers to arrive before the service.
- Always include a card with your full name.
- Use a florist who handles funerals regularly. They’ll know the timings and the funeral homes nearby.
- When faith or culture is a question, ask a family member or the funeral director rather than guessing.
- Don’t expect a thank you straight away. The family will get to it when they can.
- If you missed the funeral, it’s not too late. Flowers or a plant sent to the home weeks later are still welcome.
What Happens to the Flowers After the Funeral?
Usually the family decides. Some flowers go to the graveside, some go home with family members and some are donated to hospitals, nursing homes or churches.
You don’t need to worry about this part as the sender but if you’re the family and you’re wondering what to do with them all we have a guide to what to do with funeral flowers after the funeral.
And if you’re the one who received the flowers there’s no rush on thank you notes. When you’re ready these thank you notes for funeral flowers can make it a little easier.
Whatever you send and wherever it ends up, the family will know you were thinking of them. That’s really what the flowers are for.
Don’t worry too much about getting every detail right. Grieving people rarely remember what kind of arrangement arrived. They remember who showed up for them in whatever way they could.