When you’re going to a funeral the first things you probably think about are the date and time of the service. But once that’s all confirmed you move on to wondering if you’re supposed to bring something with you. A card? Flowers? Food? Nothing at all?
It’s something that’s never really explained beforehand. And you’re just sort of supposed to know what’s normal to tele with you.
You don’t want to turn up empty handed if everyone else has brought something but you also don’t want to arrive at a church carrying things that no one would expect.
The short answer is that the most important thing you bring to a funeral is yourself. Being there what matters. And much more than anything you could hold in your hands.
That said there are a few things that are usual and that will make the day easier for you. So this guide will go through what most guests bring, what’s better sent another way and what to leave at home.
If you’re still deciding on your outfit our guide on what to wear to a funeral covers that.
The Short Answer
For most funerals in the US, UK and Canada this is all you need:
- A sympathy card (optional but will always be welcome)
- Tissues
- Your phone, put on silent
- The address of the service and any burial or reception afterward
- Something warm or waterproof if part of the day is outdoors
Flowers, food and gifts are usually sent to the funeral home or the family’s house instead of being carried in on the day. We’ll go through each of those below.
Should You Bring a Sympathy Card to a Funeral?
Yes, a card is the one thing it’s normal to bring. Many funeral homes put out a basket or box near the guest book for cards and if there isn’t one you can give it to a family member or someone helping them.
Don’t expect the family to read it there and then. They’ll usually open cards in the days after when things have quietened down. Its then that your words mean the most.
If you knew the person who died try to add a line about them. A short memory is something the family can keep.
These are a few simple messages you could write if you’re not sure:
- I’m so sorry. [Name] was one of the kindest people I’ve known, and I’ll miss them very much.
- Thinking of you today and in the weeks ahead. With love.
- I’ll always remember [Name]’s laugh. Sending you all my love.
- We’re so sorry for your loss. [Name] made our street a better place to live.
- Holding you close in my thoughts. Please call if there’s anything at all I can do.
- I didn’t know [Name] well, but I could see how much they meant to you. I’m so sorry.
- With deepest sympathy and fond memories of [Name].
- Working with [Name] was a gift. Our whole team is thinking of you.
You’ll find hundreds more in our collection of sympathy card messages.
Should You Bring Flowers?
Usually it’s better not to carry flowers into the service yourself. Funeral flowers are normally ordered from a florist and delivered to the funeral home or place of worship before the service so the staff can arrange them.
If you turn up with a bouquet someone is going to have to find a place for it and the family may end up taking it home. It’s a kind thought but it can make extra work for someone on a day that’s already hard.
There are a couple of exceptions:
- If the family has asked guests to bring a single flower to place on the casket or in the grave, bring one. This is sometimes done at graveside services.
- If it’s a small, informal gathering and you know the family well then a simple posy or something similar probably won’t cause any problems.
Also check the obituary for wording like “in lieu of flowers”. That means the family would rather you made a donation to a charity or cause instead.
Our guide to in lieu of flowers etiquette explains what to do and if you’d like to send flowers to the family home later when to send flowers after a death may help.
Should You Bring Money?
In most US, UK and Canadian funerals, guests don’t bring money. It isn’t expected and you won’t look out of place without it.
In some cultures and communities though giving cash in an envelope or card at the funeral is a normal and important way of helping the family with costs. If that’s part of the family’s tradition then follow the lead of people who know it well. Or alternatively you can ask someone close to the family what’s usual.
If the family has set up a collection for funeral costs it’s usually easier to give through that than to bring cash on the day. You can read more in should you put money in a sympathy card.
Should You Bring Food?
Not to the funeral service itself. Food is something you take to the family’s home either in the days before the funeral or the days after when they have less time and energy to cook.
The exception is the reception or gathering after the service. Sometimes a church group, neighbors or friends are asked to bring a dish especially when the reception is held at home or in a church hall.
If you’ve been asked, bring something easy to serve that doesn’t need heating and put your name on the dish so it can find its way back to you.
If the family is Jewish and sitting shiva bringing food to the shiva house is common. It’s thoughtful to ask what’s needed or check if someone is organizing meals so they don’t end up with five of the same thing.
If you’re going on to the reception our guide to funeral reception etiquette goes over what to expect there.
Should You Bring a Gift?
A sympathy gift isn’t something you’d usually hand over at the funeral. The family has enough to hold and think about on the day.
If you’d like to give something a few days or weeks later is better. A small gift with a card, dropped off at the house or sent in the mail, is better once the busy part is over and people have stopped calling.
There are lots of ideas in our list of sympathy gift ideas.
When the Family Asks You to Bring Something
Some families ask guests to bring something specific. It might be in the obituary, the funeral home notice or a message passed around by friends etc. If they’ve asked it’s lovely if you can manage it.
Common requests include:
- A photo of the person for a memory board or slideshow
- A written memory to drop in a box or memory jar
- A single flower to place on the casket or grave
- Something in the person’s favorite color or team shirt
- A story you’re happy to share during an open mic or sharing time
If you’re asked to bring a photo make it a copy and not the original. And write your name on the back if you’d like it returned.
Short Memories to Write on a Card
If there’s a memory box or jar and your mind goes blank these might help you get started. Just fill in the details.
- I’ll always remember the time [Name] ______. It still makes me smile.
- [Name] taught me how to ______, and I think of them every time I do it.
- The thing I’ll miss most about [Name] is ______.
- [Name] was the first person to ______ when I needed help.
- Every ______, [Name] would ______. I’ll never forget it.
- What I loved about [Name] was how they always ______.
Practical Things to Bring for Yourself
These aren’t things anyone will notice but you’ll be glad you have them. A funeral can be a long day, even more so if there’s a service, a burial and a reception.
- Tissues: Even if you don’t think you’ll need them someone near you might.
- A charged phone on silent: Check it’s on silent before you go in, not after it rings.
- Addresses and times: The service, the cemetery and the reception may all be in different places.
- Water and mints: Leave them in your bag or car rather than having them during the service.
- Sunglasses: Useful at an outdoor burial and some people find them a comfort if they’ve been crying.
- An umbrella or warm layer: Graveside services take place in most weather.
- Comfortable shoes: Cemetery grass can be soft and uneven so heels can sink.
- A little cash: Some places have paid parking.
- Reading glasses: If you’ll want to read the program or hymn sheet.
Keep it all in a small bag. A big tote or backpack can feel out of place and you may be shuffling along a row or standing for a while.
If You’re Bringing Children
If children are coming with you then pack a few things to help them through the service. Things like a small book, a notepad and pencil or a soft toy all work well. A snack and a drink for the car or the reception can also save a lot of fidgeting.
It might also be a good idea to sit near an aisle or the back so you can step out easily if your child needs a break.
What Not to Bring to a Funeral
- Food or drink into the service itself, apart from water if you really need it
- Large bags, shopping or anything bulky
- Balloons, banners or decorations, unless the family has asked for them
- Toys that make noise or tablets without headphones
- A guest who wasn’t invited, if the service is private or invitation only
- Business cards or anything that turns the day toward work
Funerals are open to anyone unless the family says otherwise so bringing your partner or a friend is usually fine. If the obituary says the service is private or “family only” then respect that and send a card instead.
If you can’t go what to say when you can’t attend a funeral has some wording ideas you can use.
Tips for the Day
- Arrive 10 to 15 minutes early so you aren’t walking in while the service starts.
- Sign the guest book. Families will look through it later to see who came.
- If you bring a card leave it in the basket or give it to someone helping the family instead of asking the closest family to hold it.
- Keep the program. Families put a lot of care into it and it’s a nice thing to keep.
- If you don’t know what to say to the family “I’m so sorry” is enough.
I think a lot of people worry about getting the details wrong at a funeral. But nobody will remember if you brought a card or what you had in your bag.
They’ll remember you came though. So if you turn up, say you’re sorry and stay a little while you’ve done the right thing.