The etiquette when it comes to seating for funerals can be awkward. You walk into the funeral home or church and you’re faced with rows of empty seats. You don’t want to sit somewhere you shouldn’t and you definitely don’t want to take a seat meant for the family.
Or maybe you’re in the family and you’re trying to work out who goes in the front row when there’s a group of people who all don’t get along.
While funeral seating isn’t written down anywhere there are some customs most families follow. This guide goes through who usually sits at the front, where guests sit and what to do if you have any awkward situations.
If you’re still deciding if you should even go our page on whether anyone can attend a funeral may help first. A wake or visitation is more relaxed as people just come and go and our page on wake and visitation etiquette covers that.
Is There a Seating Order at a Funeral?
There’s a loose one. The closest family sits at the front and everyone else fills in behind them.
A lot of funeral homes and churches mark the first row or two as reserved, sometimes with a ribbon or a small sign. An usher or someone from the funeral home may also be at the door to show people where to go.
If there’s no usher and no sign leave the first few rows empty and sit behind them.
Who Sits in the Front Row at a Funeral?
The front row is for the people who were closest to the person who died. In most families that looks something like this:
- The spouse or partner of the person who died
- Their children along with the children’s own spouses or partners
- Their parents (if they’re still living)
- Their brothers and sisters
The rows straight behind are usually for grandchildren, grandparents, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews and other close relatives.
The spouse or partner normally sits at the end of the front row nearest the aisle or in the middle with the children on either side. If there’s no spouse the eldest child or the parents will usually take that spot.
There’s no reason you have to do it this way though. If the family would rather sit together in a different order that’s their choice.
Who should sit in the front row if the family is large?
When there are too many close relatives for one row the family spreads across the first two or three rows. Sometimes they use both sides of the aisle.
The funeral director can help decide this ahead of time. It’s worth sorting out before the day so nobody is left standing at the front wondering where to go.
Should You Sit With the Family at a Funeral?
If you’re not immediate family, usually not. That is unless they’ve asked you to.
The family rows give the closest relatives a bit of space and privacy. They may need to lean on each other, cry or step out for a moment. Having someone they don’t know well beside them can make that harder.
If the family does invite you to sit with them then sit with them. It’s a kind offer and saying no can feel like a rejection.
Who Should Sit With the Family at a Funeral?
Some people who aren’t blood relatives are invited into the family rows. This depends on the family but some examples are:
- A long-term partner even if they weren’t married
- Stepparents, stepchildren and stepsiblings who were part of everyday family life
- In laws, especially the spouses of the children
- A close friend who was like family, or who is there to support the spouse
- A caregiver or nurse who looked after the person for a long time
- A babysitter or friend who is looking after young children during the service
If you’re planning the funeral and you want someone in the family rows tell them ahead of time. They won’t assume it and most people will sit farther back unless they’re asked.
Where Should You Sit at a Funeral If You’re Not Family?
Sit behind the family rows. A rough guide is:
- Close friends of the person who died, or of the family, sit nearer the front
- Friends, neighbors and people from church or clubs sit in the middle
- Coworkers, acquaintances and people who knew the family less well sit farther back
Nobody is going to check so don’t worry too much about getting it exactly right. It mostly comes down to leaving room near the front for people who were closer than you.
If you arrive late sit at the back as quietly as you can. Take an aisle seat if you think you might need to leave early, if you have young children with you or if you’re not sure how you’ll cope.
Coming with a group from work? It’s fine to sit together as long as you leave the family rows free.
Can you sit anywhere at a funeral?
Pretty much, as long as it isn’t in a reserved or family row. Some guests prefer the back because they want to slip in and out quietly and that’s fine too.
Is it rude to sit in the front row at a funeral?
It can be if you’re not close family and the family hasn’t asked you to. If you’ve sat down and then realize the row is meant for family, just move back quietly. Nobody will mind.
The exception is a small service where there are lots of empty seats and the family waves you forward. Then it would be odd not to go.
Where Do Pallbearers, Speakers and Clergy Sit?
Pallbearers often sit together in a reserved row near the front so they can get up easily to carry the casket at the end. If a pallbearer is also close family they might sit with the family instead and join the others when it’s time.
If you’ve been asked to be a pallbearer and you’re not sure you can do it our page on how to decline being a pallbearer has some ways to say so.
People giving a eulogy or a reading usually sit near the front or at the end of a row so they don’t have to squeeze past anyone. The funeral director or officiant will often tell them where to sit.
Clergy and officiants usually sit at the front, off to one side, or near the lectern.
Where Does the Family Sit at the Graveside?
At many graveside services there are only a few chairs, often under a small tent beside the grave. These are usually for the closest family especially the spouse, the children and any older or less mobile relatives.
Everyone else stands behind or around them. If you’re a guest and you need to sit down it’s fine to ask if there’s a spare chair.
At a military funeral the folded flag is usually presented to the next of kin so they’ll be seated in the front row at the graveside.
Tricky Seating Situations
Most of the stress around funeral seating comes from family situations that don’t fit the usual pattern. The ones that are most likely to come up are:
Divorced parents
When a child or adult child dies and the parents are divorced both parents usually sit in the front. Some sit together. Others sit on opposite sides of the aisle or with one of their other children between them.
Each parent’s new partner usually sits beside them if that’s what they want.
A second spouse and children from a first marriage
This is one of the hardest ones. In many families the widow or widower sits at the front with the children from the first marriage either beside them or on the other side of the aisle.
If relations are strained then both sides of the aisle can be treated as family so nobody is pushed farther back. A funeral director has usually seen this before and can help keep it calm.
Stepfamilies
Where a stepparent or stepchild was a real part of the person’s life it’s normal for them to sit with the family. If they weren’t close they might sit in the second or third row instead.
There isn’t a correct way to do it. What counts is how close they were to the person who died.
Exes
An ex spouse usually sits with the other guests. Unless they share children with the person who died.
In that case they often sit just behind the family close to their children. Our page on whether you should attend an ex’s funeral covers going to the funeral of a former partner.
Estranged relatives
A relative who has been estranged from the family may still come. Where they sit is up to the family. Some sit farther back to avoid any tension and that’s sometimes the easiest thing for everyone.
When the family doesn’t want to sit at the front
Some people find the front row too exposed. They may want to sit farther back or at the end of a row so they can step out.
That’s absolutely fine. It’s their family’s funeral and they can sit wherever helps them get through it.
Guests with mobility needs
If you use a wheelchair or walker or can’t manage steps, let the funeral home know. They can usually save you a spot at the end of a row or near the door.
Children
Children of the person who died sit with their family, next to a parent or another adult they’re close to. If you’re bringing your own young children as guests an aisle seat near the back makes it easier to take them out if they get restless.
Our page on whether children should attend a funeral has more on this.
Does the Family Walk in Last?
Often, yes. In many funerals the guests are seated first and then the family walks in together just before the service starts. The funeral director usually leads them to their seats.
At the end the family often leaves first, sometimes following the casket out. Guests usually stay seated until the family has gone unless the officiant says otherwise.
If there’s a procession to the cemetery afterward our guide to funeral procession etiquette explains how the cars are usually ordered.
Wording to Ask or Explain Where Someone Should Sit
Sometimes it’s easier to sort out seating before the day with a quick message. Here are a few you can change to fit.
If you’re the family
- “We’d love for you to sit with us at the front. You were such a big part of Mom’s life.”
- “Would you sit with the kids on Friday? I think they’d feel better with you there.”
- “We’ve kept the first two rows for family. You’re very welcome to sit with us.”
- “The pallbearers will sit together in the row behind us, so you’ll be able to get up easily at the end.”
- “There’ll be chairs at the graveside for Grandma and Aunt Linda. Everyone else will be standing.”
If you’re a guest and not sure
- “Is there anywhere you’d like me to sit tomorrow? I don’t want to be in anyone’s way.”
- “I’ll sit toward the back unless you’d like me nearer the front.”
- “Tom asked me to sit with him. Is that all right with the rest of the family?”
On the day you can just ask the usher or someone from the funeral home. They’re there to help with this.
Funeral Seating Tips
- Arrive a little early so you can sit down before the family comes in.
- Leave the first two or three rows empty unless you’re family or have been invited.
- Follow the usher or funeral director if there is one.
- Move along the row toward the middle so latecomers can get in at the end.
- Turn your phone off once you sit down.
- Dress quietly so you blend in wherever you sit. Our page on what to wear to a funeral has more help with this.
- Don’t save seats for a big group if the room is filling up.
- If you’re planning the funeral sort out family seating a day or two before and tell the funeral director who goes where.
- If someone sits in the wrong place let an usher or the funeral director deal with it.
After the service you may have a chance to speak to the family. Our page on what to say in the receiving line has some short, simple things to say.
Wherever you end up sitting the family are going to remember that you came more than anything else. If you’re not sue then sit a little farther back and you’ll be fine.
And if you’re the family you can arrange the rows however helps you most on the day.