Someone has died and you’re wondering if you’re expected to send flowers. Maybe you only knew the person a little. It could be your family and not sure if family sends flowers at all or you’re the one at work who has been asked to sort something out.
It’s something so many people worry about. You don’t want to look like you’ve overstepped and nobody wants to be the one who didn’t send anything.
The short answer is that almost anyone can send flowers to a funeral and the family will rarely mind who did. But there are some traditions about who usually sends them and what kind and knowing this makes the decision a lot easier.
So here you’ll find a simple breakdown by relationship, a few situations where you might not send flowers and short card wording for each type of sender. If you already know what you’re sending and just need words our funeral flower messages have lots more examples.
Who Usually Sends Flowers to a Funeral?
In the US funeral flowers usually comes from three main groups: the immediate family, the wider circle of relatives and friends and organizations the person (or their family) was part of, like a workplace, church or club.
No one has to send flowers. Flowers are a gift and shouldn’t be seen a ticket to the funeral. But if you’re asking yourself if you should that’s usually a sign you cared and the family will likely appreciate it.
The one thing to check before anything else is the obituary or funeral notice. If it says “in lieu of flowers” or names a charity then the family would rather you did that.
Our guide to in lieu of flowers etiquette and alternatives has ideas for what to do instead.
Who Should Send Flowers: By Relationship
This is how it tends to work for different people in the person’s life. Use it as a rough guide:
Spouse, partner and children
The immediate family usually chooses the casket spray which is the large arrangement that sits on top of the casket. If the person was cremated they may choose an arrangement for around the urn instead.
This is normally arranged with the funeral director as part of planning the service so it doesn’t feel like “sending” flowers in the usual sense. Adult children sometimes add their own piece too like a wreath or an arrangement spelling out “Dad” or “Nana”.
Grandchildren
Grandchildren often go together on one arrangement or the grandchildren’s names are added to the family’s casket spray. If you’re a grown grandchild with your own household sending your own arrangement is fine too but you don’t need to.
Brothers, sisters and parents of the person
Close family who aren’t arranging the funeral themselves often send a standing spray, a wreath or a larger arrangement for the front of the room. Siblings sometimes share one between them which can feel nice and avoids a crowded display.
Extended family
Aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews and in laws send flowers but it’s more of a choice than an expectation. Many families send one arrangement per household, signed with the family name.
If you’re close to the person who died but not to their immediate family then flowers are still a kind way to show you’re grieving too.
Close friends
Close friends very often send flowers, either to the funeral home or to the family’s home. A group of friends from school, college or a long running friendship might pool together for one bigger arrangement.
If you’re a close friend of the family and not the person who died then flowers or a plant to the home are a lovely choice. It shows you’re thinking of the people left behind.
Neighbors and acquaintances
You don’t need to send funeral flowers if you knew the person only a little but you absolutely can. A smaller arrangement or a plant sent to the home is usual.
A card can mean just as much here. If you’re on the fence send a card now and maybe a plant a few weeks later.
Coworkers and employers
Workplaces usually send flowers when an employee dies or when an employee loses a close family member like a parent, spouse, child etc. It’s usually one arrangement from the whole team rather than lots of separate ones.
If you’re organizing it check if your company already has a policy or a budget for this. Some HR teams handle it automatically. Then put “From all of us at ______” on the card so the family knows exactly who it came from.
You can still send something personal if you were close to your coworker. A card with a few kind words may mean more to them than a second arrangement. Our condolence messages for colleagues can help with the wording.
Bosses and managers
If you manage someone who has had a loss, sending flowers (or making sure the team does) is a thoughtful thing to do. It doesn’t need to be large. What they will like is that it comes from the people they spend their days with.
Businesses and clients
Businesses sometimes send flowers when a long standing client or a client’s family member dies. Keep it simple and tasteful and sign it from the company and the people who knew them not just the company name.
Churches, clubs and other groups
Church groups, sports teams, veterans’ groups, book clubs and similar groups often send one arrangement on behalf of all their members. It’s a nice way for the family to see how many people the person touched. Just make sure the card names the group clearly.
Schools
If a student or a member of staff dies, or a student loses a parent, the school or the class may send flowers. Parents of classmates sometimes join in too. A single arrangement from the class or the PTA is usual.
Situations People Often Ask About
Should you send flowers if you’re going to the funeral?
Yes, you can do both. Going to the funeral doesn’t mean you shouldn’t send flowers and sending flowers doesn’t mean you have to go. Lots of people do both.
Should you send flowers if you can’t attend?
This is one of the most common reasons people send them. Flowers let you be there in spirit.
Add a short note saying you’re sorry you can’t be there and if you’d like help with that, see what to say when you can’t attend a funeral.
Should you send flowers if you didn’t know the person who died?
You might know the family but never have met the person who died, like a friend’s mother or a coworker’s husband. In that case flowers or a plant sent to the family’s home usually makes more sense than flowers at the funeral home. They’re for the people grieving and they’ll actually see them there.
Should an ex spouse send flowers?
It depends a lot on the relationship and the family. If you stayed on good terms, and especially if you share children, sending flowers is probably going to be welcomed. Keep the arrangement modest and the card simple.
If things are strained then a card to your children or a donation in the person’s name may be a better option. When you’re not sure asking someone close to the family is better than guessing.
Should you send flowers if you lost touch?
Yes, if you’d like to. Sending flowers or a card after years apart can mean a lot to a family because it shows the person was remembered by people from all parts of their life. Sign with your full name and a line about how you knew them so they can place you.
Is it too late to send flowers?
Not really. If you missed the funeral flowers or a plant sent to the home a few weeks later can be a lovely surprise at a time when they’ve stopped receiving cards and phone calls. We go into timing in more detail in when to send flowers after a death.
When to Skip Funeral Flowers
Flowers aren’t always the best choice even if you’re close. You might want to send something else when:
- The obituary asks for donations “in lieu of flowers”
- The family’s faith or culture doesn’t usually use funeral flowers, like at many Jewish funerals, where food for the family or a donation is more usual
- The family has said they want a small, private service
- You know the family is struggling with costs and something practical like a meal would help more
- Lots of flowers are already being sent from your group, and one more arrangement would just add to the pile
In those cases a card, a meal, a donation or a small keepsake can be just as meaningful. If you’re weighing it up our post on sympathy gift vs flowers might help.
What to Write on the Card (By Sender)
The card that comes with funeral flowers is tiny, so keep it short. The most important part is making sure the family knows who sent them. They’ll often keep a list for thank you notes later.
From family
- Forever loved and missed, your loving family
- To the best dad in the world. Love always, ______ and ______
- With all our love, your grandchildren
- Our hearts are with you, love from the ______ family
- Always our big brother. Love, ______
From friends
- With love and so many happy memories, ______
- Thinking of you all and remembering ______ with love
- A wonderful friend who will never be forgotten
- From your friends at ______, with love and sympathy
- Holding you close today, ______ and ______
From neighbors and acquaintances
- With deepest sympathy, your neighbors at ______
- Thinking of you, ______ (from across the street)
- With sincere condolences, ______ and family
- Sending our love and sympathy, the ______ family
From a workplace or business
- With deepest sympathy from all of us at ______
- Thinking of you, from your team at ______
- In loving memory of a valued colleague and friend, everyone at ______
- With sincere condolences from ______ and all the staff at ______
From a group, church or club
- With love and sympathy from your friends at ______ Church
- Remembering ______ with love, the ______ Book Club
- In memory of a true teammate, from all of us at ______
- With deepest sympathy from the members of ______
If you’re sending a wreath or standing spray with a ribbon the wording is a little different. There are plenty of ideas in what to write on a wreath for a funeral.
Quick Tips for Sending Funeral Flowers
- Check the obituary for “in lieu of flowers” first.
- Leave the casket spray to the immediate family.
- If you’re part of a group find out if someone is already organizing one arrangement before sending your own.
- Always include your full name, or the full name of the group, on the card.
- If you didn’t know the person who died send flowers or a plant to the family’s home rather than the funeral home.
- Spend what you’re comfortable with. The size of the arrangement doesn’t matter to the family.
- If you were close think about sending a separate card too. The florist card doesn’t leave room to say much.
- When in doubt, ask the funeral home. They’re used to these questions and won’t mind.
If you’re still not sure if it’s your place, it probably is. Families almost never think “why did they send flowers?” They’re far more likely to think “how kind of them to remember”.
Whatever you decide to send a few words and your name on the card will be well received and appreciated.