Writing an obituary is something no one likes doing. You have to do it when you’re grieving and exhausted and then suddenly you’re expected to sum up a whole life of a loved one in a few short paragraphs.
Sometimes to a tight deadline. It a lot of pressure at a very hard time.
The good news is there are no hard rules you have to follow. An obituary isn’t a legal document and nobody is going to grade it.
But there is a general way of doing things that people expect to see, and there are a few things that are better left out, some for taste and some for safety. Knowing both ahead of time takes a a lot of stress off the whole thing.
If you’re still working out the difference between this and the speech given at the service then our guide on eulogy vs obituary Will to help to make it clearer. Otherwise this is what to put in and what to leave out as well as the smaller things that can confuse people.
What an Obituary Is For
An obituary does two jobs at once. It’s a notice that lets the community know someone has died and shares the details of any service. But it’s also a small tribute and a way of marking that this person lived.
Most of the worry comes from people trying to do too much with that second part. You don’t have to list everything they ever achieved and have it completely reflect their personality.
A few details about them is going to say more than a paragraph of big statements. Keep that in mind and everything else should be much easier.
What to Include in an Obituary
Readers and funeral homes will be looking for a familiar set of details. You don’t have to include every single one but most obituaries have the following:
- Full name. Include their first, middle and last name. It’s also common to add a maiden name and any nickname they were known by written in quotes.
- Age and place of residence. Their age at death and the town or city where they lived.
- Date of death. The day they passed. Some families add where it happened, like at home or in hospice care, but you don’t have too.
- A short life summary. Just a brief bit about who they were. Where they grew up, their work, their faith if it mattered to them, the things they loved doing.
- Surviving family members. Usually listed by their relationship, starting with the closest. Spouse, children, grandchildren, siblings and so on. You can name them or just give the as numbers like “five grandchildren.”
- Family members who died before them. Often introduced with the phrase “preceded in death by,” naming a spouse or parents or a child who passed earlier.
- Service details. The date, time and place of the funeral, memorial, celebration of life etc. If the service is private you can say that.
- Donation or flower requests. If the family would prefer charitable donations this is where you’d make a note it. Our article on in lieu of flowers covers how to word that well.
If you’d rather work from something that’s laid out for you then our obituary examples give you a structure you can put your details into. We also have versions written for specific relationships like an obituary for a mother too.
A Simple Order to Follow
People struggle with knowing where to start. A good order looks like this: the announcement of the death, then a short summary of their life, then the list of family they leave behind, then the service details and finally any donation requests or a closing line.
You can move things around to suit your family but following that structure means you won’t leave out anything important by accident. Write each section as its own small task rather than trying to write the whole thing in one go. You won’t end up getting overwhelmed this way.
What NOT to Include in an Obituary
This is the part people rarely think about. But it’s definitely something to consider.
An obituary is a public document. It gets printed, shared online and indexed by search engines. That means anyone can read it.
So there are a few details that are best kept private:
- A full date of birth. The year is fine but a complete birth date along with other public records is something identity thieves would love to get their hands on. Sadly, obituaries are a known target for this.
- The mother’s maiden name. This is a very common security question for banks and accounts so it’s a good idea to either leave it out or keep it vague.
- A home address. Never print the deceased’s full street address. Don’t list the addresses of surviving relatives either.
- The exact funeral time with the family home. Announcing when the whole family will be away at a service can tell people there’s going to be an empty house. It sounds horrible to think about but burglars take advantage of funerals and steal from houses on the day. You may want to think about having someone stay at the home or just publish fewer details.
- Anything you wouldn’t say to their face. Old grievances, conflicts in the family or just nasty remarks are very wrong to include here. If a relationship was difficult you can stick to the facts and make it short rather than airing any dirty laundry in public.
- Unverified details. Don’t guess at dates, any spellings you’re not sure about or relationships. If you’re not sure check with another family member before it goes to print.
None of this means the obituary has to feel cold. You can write something warm and personal while still being sensible about a the few key facts.
Should You Mention the Cause of Death?
This is entirely up to you and shouldn’t feel like there’s any expectation either way. Many families include a brief mention, especially after a long illness, while others prefer to keep it private. Phrases like “after a long illness” or “unexpectedly” let you make a note of it without going into all the details.
If the death was by suicide or overdose families handle this very differently. Some choose to be open about it in the hope it helps others whereas some keep it private. Do whatever feels right for your family and don’t let anyone pressure you in either direction.
How Long Should an Obituary Be?
Shorter than you think. Most obituaries are somewhere between 200 and 500 words. Newspapers usually charge by the line or the inch so how long it is has an impact on the cost. A shorter and more concise obituary often sounds better anyway.
If you’re posting online through a funeral home or a tribute page you don’t have to worry so much about length or cost. In this case you can write a fuller version for the website and a shorter one for print. That’s what a lot of families do.
Who Writes the Obituary?
Usually a close family member with help from others who can fill in dates and memories. There’s no rule that says it has to be one person.
In fact getting a few details from several relatives tends to get a better sounding obituary and also catches any mistakes before they’re printed.
If nobody in the family feels able to write it then funeral homes will help. Some will even draft a basic version for you.
A Few Small Things That Make a Difference
These may seem like small things but they will save you problems in the long run:
- Check every name and spelling. Few things upset a grieving relative more than seeing their name misspelled in print. Read the survivor list slowly and out loud.
- Mind the deadline. Newspapers have cut off times sometimes a full day or two before publication. Ask the funeral home what the deadline is before you start.
- Read it aloud before sending. Your ear will do a better job of identifying any awkward phrases and missing words that your eyes skip over.
- Get a second pair of eyes to take a look at it. Have one other family member read it through. They may remember a detail you missed or see something that’s better left out.
I helped a friend with her father’s obituary a couple of years ago and the thing she was most grateful for afterward wasn’t the wording at all. It was that we’d double checked the time of the service against the funeral home’s notes because the first draft had it an hour wrong. Small checks like that are very important.
Final Thoughts
Try not to put too much pressure on getting every word perfect. Nobody reading an obituary is looking for it to be an amazing piece of writing.
Make sure you cover the basics, keep anything private out of it, check your facts and let that be enough.
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