Heartbreak isn’t only experienced with losing a loved one or funerals. In fact it’s a type of loss that isn’t even acknowledgment much by the wider world.
When an adoption falls through the person grieving has lost a child they were already loving and planning for. They had pictures of them at the dinner table years from now. And yet so many people around them don’t really know it counts as a loss at all.
If someone you care about is going through this you’ve probably been wondering what you can do or say. Worried you might say the wrong thing.
This is one of the hardest messages to write because there’s no script for it the way there is for a death.
Grief experts have a name for this kind of pain. It’s called disenfranchised grief – grief that society doesn’t openly recognize or validate.
That’s what makes a failed adoption so difficult to deal with because you end up isolated. The loss is enormous but the world continues on and acts like nothing happened.
So all you need to do is let them know you see that loss. You see the child they hoped for. You’re not going to just move on from it like it never happened.
Below are messages you can use or adapt as well as things you’ll want to avoid saying.
Short Sympathy Messages for a Failed Adoption
If you don’t have the words for a long message don’t write or say anything just to fill it out. A short few lines will be better than a paragraph anyway. These work for a text, a card or if you need some help starting a longer note.
- I’m so sorry. I know how much this child meant to you already.
- This is a real loss and I’m grieving it with you.
- I don’t have the right words, but I’m here and I’m thinking of you.
- You were ready to love that child completely. I’m so sorry it ended this way.
- I’m holding you close in my heart right now.
- There’s no fixing this, so I won’t try. I just want you to know I’m here.
- I’m so sad for you both. This isn’t fair.
- Your hope mattered. Your grief matters too.
- Thinking of you every single day this week.
- I love you and I’m so sorry you’re carrying this.
Messages for When an Adoption Falls Through
Sometimes the loss happens before placement – a match that fell apart or a birth parent who chose to parent after all. Sometimes it’s the agency that delivered devastating news.
The grief here is for a future that never happened. Acknowledge the very real plans that were already in place.
- I know you’d already made room in your home and your heart. I’m so sorry that room feels so empty right now.
- You did everything right. This isn’t anything you did or didn’t do, and my heart breaks for you.
- You were already a parent in every way that counts. I’m so sorry.
- I’m thinking of the nursery, the name, all the dreaming you did. None of that love was wasted, even though it hurts beyond words right now.
- However long this match lasted, that child was yours in your heart. That loss is real and I see it.
- I can only imagine how cruel this feels. I’m so sorry the answer wasn’t the one you prayed for.
Messages for a Disrupted Placement
This is the hardest version of all – when the child was already living in their home, sometimes for weeks or months, before the adoption fell apart. They have to say goodbye to a child they’ve started to parent.
- You loved and cared for that child like your own, because they were your own. I am so deeply sorry.
- There aren’t words for this. You gave that child a home and your whole heart. I’m grieving with you.
- The bond you had was real and it mattered to that child, even now. I’m so sorry you had to say goodbye.
- You will always be part of that child’s story, and they will always be part of yours. I’m so sorry it ended this way.
- What you’re feeling is grief, plain and simple, and you have every right to it. I’m here for as long as you need.
What to Write in a Card for a Failed Adoption
If you want to send a physical card a few sentences in your own handwriting shows some real effort and thought went into it. These are a couple of fuller examples you can use.
Dear ______,
I’ve been thinking about you constantly since you told me. I know how long you waited and how much love you’d already poured into this. This is a real loss, and I won’t pretend otherwise. Please don’t feel you have to be okay around me. I’m here for the hard days, the angry days, all of it. With love, ______
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Dear ______,
I am so sorry. There’s no card aisle for this, no easy thing to say, and I think that’s part of why it hurts so much – the world doesn’t know how to hold this kind of grief. But I see it. I see the child you hoped for and the future you imagined. Take all the time you need, and lean on me whenever you want to. Thinking of you both. ______
******************
Dear ______,
I don’t want to say anything that makes this smaller than it is, so I’ll just say this: I love you, I’m grieving with you, and I’m not going anywhere. Whenever you want company or silence or someone to bring dinner, I’m your person. ______
Sympathy Messages for a Close Friend or Family Member
When it’s someone you’re really close to you can be more direct. You can reference the specifics – the name they’d chosen, the months they waited etc. When you get into the specifics it shows them you were paying attention.
- I watched you get ready to be a parent and you already were one. I’m so heartbroken for you. I’m coming over this weekend whether you tidy up or not.
- I remember how your face looked when you first told me about the match. I’m so angry on your behalf that it ended like this. I love you.
- You don’t have to perform being fine for me, of all people. Cry, vent, go quiet, whatever you need. I’ve got you.
- I’ll say their name with you anytime you want to. That child was real and so is your love for them.
- I’m not going to disappear once everyone else moves on. I’ll still be checking in next month and the month after.
What Not to Say After a Failed Adoption
This is as important as the messages themselves because it can be the words that are most well meaning that causes the most upset. People will reach for the common sayings to try and make the pain smaller but they have the opposite effect and make the grieving person feel unseen. So avoid these:
- “At least you found out now.” There’s no good time. This frames their loss as a lucky escape which it absolutely is not to them.
- “You can always try again.” Maybe they can, maybe they can’t, but right now they’re grieving this child, not shopping for a replacement.
- “It wasn’t meant to be.” This implies the universe knew best which feels cruel to someone who wanted nothing more.
- “Everything happens for a reason.” Same problem as above. It asks them to find meaning in their own heartbreak before they’re ready.
- “At least it wasn’t a real baby / your real child.” Never imply the loss was lesser because it wasn’t biological or wasn’t finalized.
- “Now a baby who really needs you will come along.” Don’t try to give them a pep talk about the future.
If you’ve already said one of these the don’t panic. You can still let them know something like – “I think I said the wrong thing earlier, I’m sorry – I just love you and I’m sad with you” and it will fix almost anything.
For more on this our guide on what to say instead of sorry for your loss has good alternatives that work this kind of grief.
How to Support Them Beyond a Message
Words are a start but a failed adoption is a grief people forget about quickly because there’s no funeral after it. The best thing you can do is keep showing up and being there for them.
- Mark the dates. Set a reminder for a few weeks out and again at the would be due date or placement anniversary. A “thinking of you today” months will mean a lot to them.
- Bring the practical stuff. Drop off a meal, walk the dog, do the shopping, take care of a chore etc. Grief is exhausting and having someone to help is going to mean more than some words.
- Don’t make them educate you. If you don’t understand the adoption process read up on your own. Don’t ask them to explain what went wrong.
- Follow their lead on the nursery and the gear. Don’t rush to box things up and don’t tell them to keep everything either. Just ask if and when they want a hand with it.
- Keep saying you’re there. They may not take you up on it for a while but say it anyway (as long as you really mean it).
A failed adoption is a quiet, overlooked sort of grief that few other losses are like. So it’s no surprise people struggle to find words for.
If you’re supporting someone through unrecognized loss you might also find our messages for miscarriage and pregnancy loss and the loss of a child helpful as the heartbreak is similar in many ways. And if you want some general help with the right tone our guide on what to say to someone who is grieving is a good place to start.
Lastly remember that you don’t need the perfect words. Say less than you think you need to and be with them. That’s enough.
