Your child losing their first pet is something you don’t really prepare for. It’s not the sort of thing that comes up in parenting guides.
If your child had a pet and they formed a special bond it can be so hard on them when they pass away. And the they look to you to explain what’s happened and help them make sense of it.
And the hardest part is you can’t make it make sense. But you can be honest and gentle with how you talk to them. You can take them through it instead of trying to avoid it.
For a lot of kids a pet dying is the very first time death stops being something that only happens in films or to other people. Its when it becomes real.
And how we talk to them about it in those first hours and days will play a big role in how they come to understand loss for years afterward. I know, that sounds like a lot of pressure on you.
Well that’s why the guide is here. Below are the words that help, what you shouldn’t say as it will only make it worse as well as the answers to the questions your child will almost certainly ask.
Tell Them the Truth (Even When It’s Hard)
This may feel hard at first. I know the instinct. You want to say something that will soften the blow.
“Buddy went to sleep” or “we had to put him down” or “he went away” all feel kinder in the moment. The trouble is young children are very literal and those phrases can backfire in ways you don’t expect.
A child who’s told the dog “went to sleep” can become terrified of bedtime. A child told the cat “went away” can still believe she is coming back at some point or worse, wonder what they did to make her leave. “Put to sleep” can make a trip to the vet feel like a threat.
So it’s better to use real words. Say things like died. Dead. Stopped working.
It probably sounds harsh to you but it won’t come across like that to your child. Children handle clear, simple truths far better than they handle confusion.
Something like the following works well:
- Bella died today. That means her body stopped working and it can’t start again
- When an animal dies their body doesn’t feel anything anymore. They don’t hurt, they don’t get cold and they don’t get scared
- She was very old and very sick and her body was too tired to keep going
Being clear about what’s happened doesn’t have to be cold. You can deliver the truth and your words still be warm.
What to Say to a Young Child
For toddlers and little ones up to about six it’s best to keep it short and something you can easily repeat. They don’t need the biology behind what’s happened. Just give them the basic facts and reassurance that they’re safe and loved.
Expect them to ask the same questions over and over. That’s how small children process something big. Answer it the same calm way each time no matter how much they ask.
- Goldie died. We won’t see her swimming anymore and that makes me sad too
- It’s okay to feel sad. I feel sad as well. We can be sad together
- Nothing you did made this happen. Sometimes animals just get old or sick
- You are safe and I am here. I’m not going anywhere
Don’t be surprised if a four year old asks about the dead pet and then switches to wanting a snack and to watch cartoons. Grief in little kids comes in tiny bursts. They dip in and out. Thats completely normal even if it seems a bit odd too you.
What to Say to an Older Child
From around seven and up kids understand that death is permanent and that it happens to every living thing, including the people they love. That’s a big thing to come to terms with and their feelings and the questions they ask will reflect that.
Give them more room here. Let them take the lead. Ask what they’re thinking rather than telling them how to feel.
- I can see how much you’re hurting. You loved him so much and he loved you right back
- There’s no wrong way to feel right now. Sad, angry, even a bit numb, it’s all okay
- Do you want to talk about it or would you rather just sit together for a bit?
- The fact that this hurts so much shows what a good friend you were to her
Older kids sometimes mask their grief, especially if they think they should be too big to cry over a pet. Let them know there’s no age limit on missing someone you loved.
Comforting Words You Can Use
If your mind goes blank in the moment, and there’s a good chance it will, the following are some simple things you can say to them.
- I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I know how much you loved her
- It’s okay to cry. Crying is just love with nowhere to go right now
- We were so lucky to have him, weren’t we?
- You gave her the best life. She knew she was loved every single day
- I miss him too. Let’s remember him together
- Your heart hurts because your heart is big. That’s a good thing
If you’re also trying to comfort another adult in the house going through the same loss then our guide on what to say to someone whose dog died and our collection of pet condolence messages might help you find more to say.
What Not to Say
There are some things you will want to avoid saying. You may have the best intentions but they can come across as insensitive or hurtful or do more damage than help.
- “He went to sleep.” Confusing and sometimes frightening for young children
- “Don’t cry, it’s only a hamster.” It teaches them their grief is too big for the situation. It isn’t
- “We’ll just get a new one.” A replacement isn’t a fix, and it can make them feel their pet was easily replaceable
- “You have to be strong for your little sister.” Don’t put something like that on a grieving child. It’s not their job. Let them be sad
- “God needed another angel.” Fine if it fits your beliefs and you explain it but if you say it out of the blue it can confuse or even scare a child
The Hard Questions They Might Ask
Be prepared because some of these will come up. Answer them simply and honestly. You don’t have to have a perfect answer but do your best to stay calm.
“Is it my fault?”
Reassure them clearly and immediately. “No. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused this. This is not your fault at all.” Say it more than once if you need to. Kids can carry guilt without making a big fuss about it.
“Are you going to die too? Am I?”
This one catches a lot of parents off guard. Be honest but don’t upset them. “Everyone dies someday, but most people live for a very, very long time. I plan to be here to look after you for a long, long time.” Reassurance has to be part of your answer here not just the facts.
“Where is he now?”
This is where your family’s beliefs come in. Some families talk about heaven, some talk about the body returning to the earth, some say “I don’t know for sure, but I know he isn’t hurting anymore.” Whatever you choose be consistent with it. Lots of families find the idea of the Rainbow Bridge a comforting way to picture where a pet goes.
“Can we get a new pet?”
Don’t rush this even if you secretly think it would help. Let them grieve the one they lost first. “Maybe one day. Right now let’s take some time to miss Bella. No animal could replace her but one day there might be room in our hearts for another.”
Letting Them Grieve in Their Own Way
Children don’t grieve like adults. One minute they’re sobbing the next they’re asking if they can go to the park.
Some will get clingy and others cranky. Some go quiet. A few will act like nothing happened at all and then fall apart three weeks later over something small.
All of it is normal. You shouldn’t be trying to manage their grief so that it’s easy to deal with.
It’s to let them know that whatever they’re feeling is acceptable and that you’re not going anywhere while they feel it.
If they want to talk try to listen and not just fix they say they’re feeling. If they don’t that’s fine too.
In that case stay close by to them. Sometimes sitting on the floor with a child in silence says more than any words.
Ways to Remember the Pet Together
Doing something will give a child somewhere to put the feelings they’re going through. A small ritual helps to make it feel like you’ve marked the loss rather than just have the pet be gone.
A few ideas that work well with kids:
- Hold a little goodbye in the garden. Let them say a few words or just place a flower
- Draw a picture or make a card for the pet. Stick it on the fridge for a while
- Plant something. A flower or a small tree the child can watch grow
- Make a memory box with the collar, a favorite toy and a photo or two
- Light a candle at dinner and share one favorite memory each
Older children sometimes like writing a letter or a few lines for their pet. If yours does our pet loss poems can be a lovely starting point and there are some sweet keepsake ideas in our guide on pet loss gift ideas if you want a small way to mark the loss together.
If the pet was euthanized and your child knew about the vet visit you may want a little extra guidance on how to talk about that part. Our post on what to say when someone euthanizes their pet can help you find the right words.
Books That Can Help
Sometimes a story does the explaining better than we can and it gives a child a way to go through the feelings at their own pace. A few picture books that families use in this scenario include The Tenth Good Thing About Barney, Dog Heaven and Cat Heaven, The Invisible String and Goodbye Mousie. Read them together then leave it on the shelf so they can come back to it whenever they need to.
Final Thoughts
When you come to have the talk with your child you won’t get everything perfect. But your child will remember you told them the truth and that you let them be sad. The exact sentence you say won’t matter nearly as much.
A first pet teaches a child how to love something. Losing that pet, painful as it is, teaches them that love is worth it anyway.
