After a funeral it can become very quiet. For a few days you have people around you constantly and the phone always ringing.
Then the service happens, everyone hugs one more time and by the following morning the house is silent. Those grieving and bereaved are left wondering what they do next.
It’s then that a text message really matters. When everyone else moves on and the grieving family has to get on with things on their own. That’s when receiving messages really helps.
So this guide is about those texts. What to send after the funeral is over.
If you’re looking for what to send in those very first days instead we have a separate guide on how to offer condolences via text that helps with that.
Why the Text After the Funeral Matters So Much
The grief people feel doesn’t peak at the funeral. For a lot of us it gets harder after once all the planning is done and we’re left with nothing to distract us from really feeling it.
The funeral gives everyone a job. There are flowers to arrange, people to call, an order of service to print and son. It’s exhausting but it’s also a distraction.
When all of that ends the reality hits you. And that’s usually when everyone else assumes the grieving person is “getting back to normal” and so they stop checking in.
Grief researchers have a name for the slow kind of mourning that follows a loss and studies suggest it often lasts well beyond the first year, far longer than most of us give it credit for. And yet the support tends to fall off within a couple of weeks. That gap between how long grief lasts and how long people keep showing up is where your text goes.
The text isn’t going to fix anything but you can be one of the few people who didn’t forget.
What to Text Someone the Day After the Funeral
The day after is a strange one. There’s often a flat feeling once the service is behind them.
A short text at this point will show them you’re still thinking of them even though the hardest part is done.
And don’t forget they don’t need to reply and you shouldn’t expect them to.
- Thinking of you today. Yesterday was a lot. No need to reply, I just wanted you to know I’m here
- I know today probably feels quieter than yesterday. I’m holding you close
- Just checking in on you the morning after. Take it one hour at a time
- You got through yesterday and you don’t have to do anything today but breathe. I’m thinking of you
- No words needed back. Just sending love your way this morning
- Yesterday was beautiful and I know it took everything out of you. Rest today if you can
- I’ve been thinking about you since the service. Here whenever you want to talk, or not talk
Short Texts to Check In on a Grieving Friend
These are probably the the texts you’ll send most often. A short check in text a week or two after the funeral tells someone they haven’t been forgotten.
The rule of thumb I stick to is simple. If the person crosses my mind, I text them.
I don’t wait for a good time because there isn’t one and I don’t overthink the wording because the fact I reached out matters far more than what I say.
- Thinking of you today. That’s all. No reply needed
- You popped into my head this morning so I wanted to say hi. How are you holding up?
- Just wanted you to know you’re on my mind. Sending you a big hug
- No agenda here, just checking in. How’s today treating you?
- Thought of ______ today and it made me smile. Thinking of you both
- Here if you need company, a distraction, or absolutely nothing at all
- Been a couple of weeks and I know it doesn’t get easier just because time passes. Thinking of you
- Sending love your way. You don’t have to be okay, and you don’t have to reply
What to Text Weeks and Months After the Funeral
This is the sweet spot. This is where you become the friend they never forget having, because almost nobody thinks to text this far out.
By this point the initial support people offered will have gone. The grieving person is back at work, going through the motions and probably feeling like they’re supposed to be passed their grief. A text a month or three months later, out of nowhere, can be something that really lifts their mood.
Something that always helps: mention the person who died by name. So many people tiptoe around it as they’re terrified of reminding those grieving.
But they’re not going to have forgotten. They’re going to want people to remember the deceased and continue to say their name.
- I was thinking about ______ today and just wanted you to know they’re still remembered over here too
- It’s been a few months and I know the world assumes you’re fine now. I don’t assume that. How are you really?
- Something reminded me of ______ this week and it made me smile. Thought you’d want to know they’re still coming up in conversation
- Just checking in, no reason. How have you been sleeping? How’s your heart?
- I know the casseroles stopped a long time ago. I’m still here though. Fancy a coffee this week?
- Thinking of you today and every day, even when I go quiet. You’re not alone in missing them
- How are you doing, honestly? Not the polite version. The real one
- ______ came up in my thoughts today. Sending you love from wherever you are right now
What to Text on the Hard Days
Certain dates will knock the wind out of a grieving person. Birthdays, anniversaries, the first Christmas, even the anniversary of the death itself.
If you can make a note of these in your phone or somewhere else and send something when they come around you’ll be one of a tiny number of people who remembered.
I keep a note in my phone with a couple of these dates for the people I love. It feels a bit clinical to write them down but it means I never miss them.
For more on this I’ve written a guide on what to say when it’s someone’s first holiday without a loved one.
- I know what today is. I’m thinking of you and of ______. Sending you so much love
- A year ago today. I remember, and I imagine you’re feeling all of it. Here if you need me
- Happy birthday to ______ today. I’m lighting a candle and thinking of them, and of you
- The holidays can be so heavy when someone’s missing from the table. Thinking of you this week
- I know this time of year is hard now. No pressure to do anything or feel anything in particular. Just know I’m here
- Today marks a year. However you’re feeling is exactly right. I’m holding you close
Texts That Offer Real Help
“Let me know if you need anything” is the phrase so many of us choose but it’s almost useless. Not because it isn’t kind but because a grieving person will never take you up on it. They don’t have the energy to figure out what they need let alone ask a busy friend for it.
What’s better is to make the offer specific and easy to say yes to. Better yet, don’t offer at all. Just tell them what you’re doing.
- I’m at the store, what can I grab for you? Milk, bread, wine, chocolate? I’m getting you something so pick your poison
- I’m dropping dinner on your porch Thursday around six. You don’t have to see anyone or say anything. It’ll just be there
- Free Saturday morning. I’m coming over to do a load of laundry or walk the dog or just sit with you. Your call, but I’m coming
- Sending you a coffee delivery this afternoon. Watch for the doorbell
- I’ve got the school run covered this week. Don’t argue, it’s done
- Want me to handle the thank you notes with you? I’ll bring the stamps and we’ll knock them out together
- I’m free tonight if you want company, and equally happy to sit in silence with you and bad TV
If you want more ideas on how to help someone practically our guide on how to support someone who’s grieving goes more into this.
What NOT to Text After a Funeral
Most of these have good intentions but they put the focus back on you or they put pressure on the griever to feel better before they’re ready.
“Let me know if you need anything”
We covered this one already but it doesn’t hurt to repeat it. It sounds supportive and it puts all the work on the person least able to do it. Be specific instead.
“They’re in a better place now”
Even if you both believe it this can feel like you’re being a bit dismissive so soon after a loss. Let them get there in their own time if they get there at all.
“At least they’re not suffering anymore”
Any sentence that starts with “at least” tends to play down the loss. There’s no bright side that makes missing someone hurt less.
“How are you doing?” (when you’ll disappear after the answer)
This one’s fine on its own. It only becomes a problem when it’s no more than a box ticking exercise. If you ask be ready to hear the answer, even of it’s not straightforward or easy.
For more on this see what not to say to someone grieving.
Nothing at all
The biggest mistake isn’t sending the “wrong” text. It’s sending no text because you’re scared of getting it wrong.
An awkward, clumsy, heartfelt message is so much better then nothing. There is no perfect thing to say so stop waiting to find it and just send something.
Tips for Texting a Grieving Person
- Don’t expect a reply. Add “no need to reply” so they don’t feel they owe you an answer on top of everything else
- Keep the door open. “Here whenever you’re ready” is better than “call me tonight”
- Say the name. Mentioning the person who died is going to help them not upset them
- Text more than once. Grief last a long time. One message in month three will mean more than five in week one
- Skip the questions if they’re struggling. A statement like “thinking of you” doesn’t require anything from them. A question means they have to think of a response
- Follow through. If you say you’ll bring them dinner on Thursday make sure you do it
Final Thoughts
If you take nothing else from this remember the most powerful text you can send after a funeral is the one you send when nobody expects it anymore.
A simple “thinking of you when they haven’t heard from anyone for a while will help them feel less lonely.
You don’t need the right words or to be a very close friend. Just show up for them when others aren’t.
For more comforting words have a look at our short sympathy messages and thinking of you quotes, and if you want a fuller guide on the conversations themselves what to say to someone who is grieving covers it all.
