What people remember distinctly after losing someone has changed over the years. Nowadays it’s their phone.
In the days after you lose a loved one your phone is ringing and buzzing non stop. And every time it can feel like a small demand for something you don’t have to give.
People are being kind and reaching out because they care. But it can be hard to answer.
If you’re reading this you might be in one of two places. Maybe you’re the one who has to make the calls, the person tasked with telling family and friends that someone has died.
Or maybe the news is already out and now your phone won’t stop lighting up and you’re struggling with it. Both are hard.
There are some ways to make it more bearable though. This is a guide to handling the phone calls and messages after someone dies, from the calls you have to make to all the ones that come back at you.
The Two Sides of the Phone After a Death
The first job is telling people. In the early hours and days you’ll need to notify close family and friends that your person has died.
That’s the outgoing side. It’s exhausting because you’re having to say what is likely to be the hardest sentence of your life repeatedly.
The second job is coping with everything that comes back. Once the news spreads your phone will get a lot of texts, calls, voicemails and social media messages.
When you’re grieving and you suddenly have a hundred conversations to manage it can all become a bit too much.
But don’t feel like you have to be good at either of these. The main thing is to just get through them.
Making the First Calls
Telling people is the part most of us dread. There’s no way around the fact that you’re delivering devastating news but you can make it a little easier on yourself and on the people you’re calling.
Start With a Short List
Before you call anyone write down the few of people who will need a personal call. I mean the closest circle. So immediate family, a best friend, the people who would be hurt to hear it secondhand or to read it on Facebook.
Keep this list small. You are not responsible for personally telling everyone on the first day. Grief can mess with your memory too so having the names written down means you won’t miss anybody important.
Once those closest people know the wider circle can hear through a shared message, a death announcement or through the family grapevine. If you need help wording something for that group later our guide to writing a death announcement takes you through it.
Call, Don’t Text, the People Closest to You
For the inner circle it’s best to pick up the phone. I know texting feels safer and easier when you can barely speak but hearing that a loved one has died through a text can feel off.
The person might be driving, at work or in the middle of something, and a text gives them no way to prepare first and no one to hold onto in that first moment.
A phone call lets them hear your voice. It lets them react, ask questions and cry with someone rather than alone at a screen.
Text and email are fine for the details later, things like the funeral date or the address, but the first time someone close hears the news it should come from a real voice.
Warn Them Before You Say the Words
When you call someone out of the blue they have no idea what’s coming. Give them one sentence of warning so they can sit down and brace themselves.
Something as simple as this gives them a second to prepare.
Hi, are you somewhere you can talk for a minute? I’m afraid I have some very sad news.
******************
It’s me. Before I say anything, are you sitting down? This is hard to say.
Then say it clearly. It’s tempting to use phrases like they slipped away or we lost them but when someone’s dealing with the shock of what you’re telling them those can confuse people. You should still be able to clear but also gentle.
A Simple Script for Breaking the News
If your mind goes blank try something like this:
I’m so sorry to have to tell you this. Mom died this morning. She passed away peacefully and Dad was with her.
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I have terrible news. We lost Grandpa last night. It was very sudden and we’re all still in shock.
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I wanted you to hear this from me. Sarah passed away yesterday. I know how much you loved her and I’m so sorry.
Give them a moment of silence after. They may go quiet, they may cry, they may ask how. Let them react however they need to. You don’t have to fill the space.
Ask Someone to Share the Load
You don’t have to make every call yourself. If you try and make the same devastating call ten times in a row it will wear you down to nothing.
Sk if you can choose two or three people close to you and ask them to split the list with you. You take the very closest ones, the calls that really should come from you, and let a sibling, your partner or a trusted friend handle the rest.
The bereaved person, in this case you, doesn’t have to personally notify everyone.
When the Messages Start Flooding In
Once the news is out your phone will blow up. You’ll be getting texts, have missed calls, voicemails, comments, direct messages. They will all be kind and well meaning but be coming to a person who has nothing left to give.
If you feel overwhelmed by the volume of it all don’t worry about coming across as ungrateful. The average person already gets dozens of phone notifications on an ordinary day.
Now imagine that on the worst week of your life. Of course it feels like too much. But you can take but some control and make things feel a little easier.
You Don’t Owe Anyone an Instant Reply
The first thing is simple – you are allowed to not reply. You can leave messages unread for days if you want. You can even turn the phone off or put it face down and walk away.
People who love you sent those messages so you would feel supported, not so you would feel obligated to reply. Nobody worth keeping in your life is sitting there resenting you for a slow reply while you’re burying a loved one.
Answer when you’re ready, or not at all. If you feel guilty later on our guide on how to respond to condolences has some wording ideas for when you do feel up to it.
Appoint a Point Person
Ask someone you trust to be the point of contact. When people text you asking about funeral arrangements, times or what the family needs, you can send them to that one person.
It stops you having to repeat the same details and it means the practical questions go to someone who has the bandwidth to answer them.
You can even set an outgoing text or a voicemail greeting that points people there.
Thank you so much for reaching out. I’m not able to respond to everyone right now. For funeral details please contact my sister Jen, and I’ll be in touch when I can.
Send One Group Update Instead of Fifty Replies
Instead of answering each message one by one you can send a single update to a group. A group text, a family thread or one post to a chosen circle can give the practical information to everyone at once.
This is also the perfect job to hand to your point person. Something simple covers it.
Thank you all for your love and messages. The service will be held Saturday at 2pm at Riverside Chapel. The family asks for donations to the hospice in lieu of flowers. We’re so grateful for each of you.
******************
We’re overwhelmed by your kindness and can’t reply to everyone individually right now. We’ll share funeral details here as soon as they’re confirmed. Thank you for holding us up this week.
Batch Your Replies for Later
If you want to respond to people but the thought of it all at once is too much, save it for later.
Set the phone aside and come back to it in a week or two, or even a month, when you have the strength for it. When you’re ready you can work through the messages in one go instead of letting them chip at you all day.
A short reply is always enough. Nobody is expecting more than that from someone who is grieving.
Turn the Notifications Down
You can make your phone quieter.
Silence the buzzing, turn off message previews so you’re not blindsided every time you glance at the screen, or switch the whole thing to do not disturb and let a couple of trusted people through.
Some people give their phone to a family member for a few days and only check it when they choose to. Do whatever keeps the noise from making a hard week even harder.
Short Replies for When You Can’t Say Much
Sometimes you do want to answer you just don’t have the words or the energy for anything long. A few words is enough.
Below are some short replies you can send when you can’t say more.
Thank you. It means so much to know you’re thinking of us.
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I can’t really talk right now but your message helped. Thank you.
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We’re getting through it one hour at a time. Grateful for you.
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I’ll reply properly when I can, but I wanted you to know I saw this and it meant a lot.
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Thank you for reaching out. I’m holding your message close even if I’m quiet right now.
If you’d like more wordings like this our post on how to respond when someone says sorry for your loss has more you can use.
Handling Social Media Messages and DMs
Social media is another layer on top of all the calls. Once word spreads you may get direct messages, comments, tags and posts on the deceased’s own profile.
It can feel like the grief is suddenly public which is very difficult for some people.
Take it at your own pace. You don’t have to read every comment, and you certainly don’t have to reply to strangers or distant acquaintances.
If people start posting the news before you’re ready you can ask them to stop until close family has been told. If you’d rather control how the news goes out online our guide to announcing a death on Facebook can help you say it in your own words and in your own time.
You can also mute notifications from a particular post or account so the pings stop. And if messaging feels easier than talking for you right now that’s fine.
Some people find comfort in condolences by text and phone calls feel like too much.
What to Do With Their Phone
This can be hard for people. It may keep ringing with calls from people who don’t know yet, from doctors, from businesses, from friends expecting to hear a familiar voice. Answering it can catch you off guard.
You don’t have to answer it. Let unknown calls go to voicemail and deal with them when you’re able.
If a lot of people are still calling the number you might record a simple voicemail greeting or ask a family member to field the calls for a while. Keep any greeting short and share as little detail as possible because you don’t know who is calling.
One word of caution. Don’t rush to cancel the phone number or the account.
A phone number is often tied to two factor codes, bank alerts and password resets so cutting it off too early can lock you out of accounts you’ll need while sorting out the estate. Keep the line active until you or whoever is handling the estate has worked through the important logins.
Letting Other People Answer for You
I keep coming back to this because it matters a lot.
When someone says let me know if I can help this is exactly the kind of thing to hand them. Managing the phone, fielding calls, updating the group, keeping a list of who has been told.
These will take the weight off you and give a helper something to do. Most people who offer want a job, so give them one.
If you’re the friend or family member reading this and wondering how to support someone in the thick of it offering to become their phone gatekeeper is one of the most useful gifts you can give. Our guide on how to support someone who’s grieving has more ideas along those lines.
Be Kind to Yourself
However you handle the phone don’t feel bad. If you reply to everyone, great. If you reply to no one, that’s fine. If you turn the thing off and don’t look at it for three days that’s also completely okay.
The messages will keep. And the people who matter will understand.
In the weeks that follow when you finally have the strength to answer you can send a thank you at your own pace. Our funeral thank you note examples and thank you notes for condolences are there for when that time comes.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should you call or text to tell someone a loved one has died?
For close family and friends, call. Hearing devastating news through a text can feel abrupt and leaves the person alone with it. A phone call lets them hear your voice, ask questions and react with someone there. Text and email are fine for the follow up details like funeral times, but the closest people should hear it from a real voice first.
Do I have to reply to every condolence message?
No. People send condolences to support you It’s completely acceptable to leave messages unread, reply days or weeks later or send a short group thank you rather than individual answers. Nobody who cares about you expects a quick or lengthy reply while you’re grieving.
How do I handle a flood of calls and texts when I’m overwhelmed?
Appoint a trusted point person to field questions and share updates, send one group message with the practical details instead of answering each one and turn your notifications down or give your phone to a family member for a few days.
What should I do with the deceased person’s phone?
Let unknown calls go to voicemail and answer only when you’re able. You can record a short voicemail greeting or ask a family member to field the calls. Don’t rush to cancel the number as it may be linked to bank alerts and account logins you’ll need while settling the estate. Keep the line until those are handled.
Is it rude to send a group text about a death instead of calling everyone?
Not at all, once the closest people have been told personally. A group message is a fine way to share funeral details and updates with a wider circle without exhausting yourself repeating the same information over. Keep personal calls for immediate family and closest friends.
