In the first few weeks after a death most people receive a lot of support and help. But that can slow or stop quite abruptly. Everyone else goes back to normal life and the person who is grieving is left dealing with the aftermath.
That’s when the grief really hits. The shock has worn off and the reality has set in but all the support has mostly disappeared.
So if you’re wondering whether it’s too late or too strange to reach out now don’t worry. A message three, six or even twelve months later can mean more than anything sent in the first week, because it tells them someone still remembers.
Sp this guide will help with when to check in, how to do it without it feeling awkward and over 60 messages you can send by text or write in a card. If you want the bigger picture on helping a friend through a loss our guide on how to support someone who’s grieving covers the early days too.
Why Checking In Months Later Matters So Much
Once the funeral is over and the paperwork is mostly done people assume things are getting easier for the family or those grieving their lost loved one. But the reality is things are often getting harder.
A lot of grieving people say the same thing: they don’t need anyone to fix it, they just don’t want to feel forgotten. A short message from you is proof that they haven’t been.
It also makes it easier for them to talk about their loved one. Many people stop mentioning the person who died because they’re worried it makes others feel uncomfortable.
When you bring them up first you are then letting them talk about the person they loved and miss. Which is what they want.
When to Check In
While there isn’t really a bad time to send a kind message some times are more important than others. It can help to put a few reminders in your phone right after the funeral so you don’t miss these dates.
- About a month after the funeral. This is usually when the the support slows and stops.
- Around three months. The numbness often wears off around here and the loss starts to feel very real.
- Six months. A halfway point that people don’t usually mark so a message stands out.
- Their loved one’s birthday. One of the hardest days, especially the first one.
- Holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas and other family occasions can be very painful. We have a guide on what to say on someone’s first holiday without a loved one.
- Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Both for someone who lost a parent and for a parent who lost a child.
- Their wedding anniversary, if they lost a husband or wife.
- The first anniversary of the death. A card at this point is a really nice gesture. If you want to write something longer see how to write a year in remembrance letter.
- A random Tuesday. A regular day can be just as hard as a big one and a message out of nowhere can be the nicest surprise.
How to Check In Without It Feeling Awkward
The fear of saying the wrong thing stops a lot of people from saying anything at all. These few pointers should make it much easier.
- Keep it short. A couple of sentences is plenty. You’re not trying to write a sympathy card all over again.
- Say their loved one’s name. People often avoid it but most grieving people love hearing it.
- Don’t ask “how are you?” on its own. It’s a hard question to answer. Try “how are you doing today?” or “how has this week been?” instead which will be more manageable for them.
- Take the pressure off replying. Adding “no need to reply” means they can read it and feel cared for without having to find the energy to answer.
- Offer something specific. “Let me know if you need anything” rarely gets taken up. “Can I drop off dinner on Thursday?” usually does.
- Don’t expect them to be “better”. Months later they may be coping on the outside and struggling a lot more on the inside.
- Keep going. One message is kind but a message every few weeks is real and full support.
Check In Messages for Someone Grieving
These are split by the situation so you can find something that suits your relationship with the person grieving. Most work just as well as a text as they do in a card. Add in names and details where you see ______.
Simple Thinking of You Messages
A simple message can be the right one. These are short enough to send by text without it feeling like too much.
- Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you today
- You’ve been on my mind this week. Sending you a big hug
- No reason for this message other than to say I care about you
- Thinking of you and ______ today
- I know it’s been a few months but I haven’t stopped thinking about you
- Just checking in. How has this week been for you?
- Sending you a little love today. No need to reply
- I was thinking about you this morning and wanted to say hi
- Still here and still thinking of you
- Hope today is a gentle one for you
For more short lines you can add to a text or card have a look at these thinking of you quotes.
Messages That Mention Their Loved One
Saying the person’s name or sharing a small memory is one of the kindest things you can do months on. It shows they haven’t been forgotten either.
- I heard ______’s favorite song on the radio today and it made me think of you both
- I was remembering ______’s laugh today. I miss it so much
- I drove past ______’s favorite diner this morning and smiled. Thinking of you
- I still think about ______ all the time. I hope you know how loved they were
- I made ______’s chili recipe last night. It wasn’t as good as theirs, but it made me think of you
- Something funny happened today that ______ would have loved. Wish I could tell them
- I miss ______ too. If you ever want to talk about them, I’m always happy to listen
- I found an old photo of ______ and me the other day. Would you like a copy?
- ______ would have been so proud of how you’ve been getting through this
- I’m never going to stop talking about ______, so I hope you don’t mind hearing their name from me
Messages That Offer Specific Help
Months after a loss the practical help people first offered has gone but the jobs still need to be done. A specific offer is far easier to say yes to than an open one.
- I’m going to the grocery store on Saturday. Text me a list and I’ll drop it off
- Are you free for coffee next week? My treat, and we can talk or not talk, whatever you need
- I’d love to mow your lawn this weekend. Is Saturday morning OK?
- I’ve made too much lasagna again. Can I bring some over tonight?
- Would it help if I picked the kids up from school on Wednesday?
- I’m going for a walk on Sunday afternoon. Want to come with me?
- If you’re dreading any paperwork or phone calls, I’m happy to sit with you while you do them
- Can I take you out for dinner on ______’s birthday? You don’t have to be alone that day
- I’m free Thursday evening if you’d like some company. Even just to watch TV
- I’ll be in your neighborhood on Friday. Can I drop by for ten minutes and give you a hug?
Messages for a Close Friend
With a close friend you can be a bit more open and a bit more yourself. These are warm without being too much.
- I know everyone else has gone quiet, but I’m not going anywhere
- You don’t have to be OK with me. Ever. I mean that
- Some days I bet it feels like the world has moved on without you. I haven’t
- I’m so proud of you for getting through each day. I know it’s not easy
- Want to come over Friday? We can eat junk food and not talk about anything at all
- If today is a bad day, call me. If it’s a good one, call me anyway
- I’m still here for the hard days, the boring days and everything in between
- There’s no timeline on this. Take as long as you need and I’ll be right here
Messages for a Coworker
For a coworker a short and kind message is plenty. Keep it low key and don’t put them on the spot in front of others. If you usually only speak by text or chat at work our tips on offering condolences via text are useful here too.
- Just wanted to say I’m still thinking of you. I hope you’re doing OK
- I know the last few months have been really hard. I’m glad you’re here
- If you ever need a quiet coffee break away from your desk, I’m in
- Thinking of you this week. Let me know if I can take anything off your plate
- No need to reply, but I wanted you to know you’ve been in my thoughts
- I know you’re back at work, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Go gently on yourself
Messages for Holidays and Hard Dates
Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays can bring the loss right back even when it felt like it was gone. A message on the day, or the day before, lets them know someone remembered.
- I know today is ______’s birthday. Thinking of you and sending so much love
- Today must be hard without ______. I’m remembering them with you
- I know the holidays won’t feel the same this year. I’m thinking of you
- It’s been a year since we lost ______. I still miss them and I’m still here for you
- Thinking of you this Mother’s Day. I know how much you miss her
- Thinking of you this Father’s Day and remembering what a wonderful dad ______ was
- Happy anniversary to you and ______. I know your love didn’t end and I’m thinking of you today
- I know tomorrow is going to be a tough one. Would you like company, or would you rather some space?
- Thanksgiving won’t be the same without ______. There’s always a seat at our table if you want it
- Remembering ______ with you today and every day
On the anniversary itself you might want something a little longer. These death anniversary quotes can be added to a card or message.
Religious Check In Messages
Only use these if you know the person shares your faith or would welcome a prayer.
- I’m still praying for you every day. May God give you peace
- Lifting you up in prayer this week. You are not alone
- Praying that God surrounds you with comfort on the hard days
- I thanked God for ______ again today. What a blessing they were
- I know these months have been long. I’m praying for strength and rest for you
- May the Lord hold you close today and every day. Thinking of you
When You Haven’t Been in Touch for a While
If you went quiet after the funeral it’s not too late to fix it. Be honest and keep it simple. You don’t need a long apology. If you never sent condolences in the first place our guide to belated condolences will help.
- I’m sorry I’ve been quiet. I didn’t know what to say, but I’ve been thinking about you a lot
- I should have reached out sooner. I’m here now and I’d love to see you
- I know it’s been a while. I haven’t forgotten you or ______
- I’m sorry I disappeared after the funeral. Can I take you for lunch?
- I let life get in the way and I’m sorry. How are you really doing?
- I’ve wanted to message you for weeks and kept worrying it was the wrong thing. I just want you to know I care
Longer Check In Notes for a Card
If you’d rather send something in the mail then a card a few months on is a lovely surprise. These notes can be used as they are or changed to fit your circumstances.
Dear ______,
It’s been a few months now and I know things have probably gone quiet. I just wanted you to know I haven’t stopped thinking about you or about ______.
I hope you’re finding some small moments of peace. If you ever want company, a walk or someone to talk to about ______, please call me.
With love,
________
******************
Dear ______,
I was thinking about ______ the other day and remembered the time we all got caught in that rainstorm at the lake. I laughed out loud on my own in the kitchen.
I miss them so much. I can only imagine how much you do. I’m sending this to say I’m still here, and I’d love to see you soon.
Thinking of you always,
________
******************
Dear ______,
I know ______’s birthday is coming up and I imagine it will be a hard day. I wanted to send you a little love ahead of it.
If you’d like company on the day, I’m free. If you’d rather be alone, that’s OK too. Either way you’ll be in my thoughts.
Love,
________
******************
Dear ______,
It’s hard to believe a year has gone by. I know this year has been the hardest of your life and I’ve been so amazed at how you’ve kept going.
I still think of ______ often and I always will. Please know you can lean on me, today and for as long as you need.
With all my love,
________
******************
Dear ______,
I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch since the funeral. I didn’t know what to say and I let too much time pass.
I want you to know I’ve thought about you and ______ so many times. I’d really like to take you out for coffee if you’re up for it. No pressure at all.
Thinking of you,
________
Other Ways to Check In
A message isn’t the only way to be there for someone. Doing something can say more than words.
- Drop off a meal, a coffee or a bag of groceries and don’t stay unless they ask you to
- Invite them to something low pressure like a walk, a movie or a quick lunch
- Send a photo or video of their loved one they might not have seen
- Help with a job that’s been piling up, like yard work, cleaning out the car or sorting mail
- Mail a small care package with tea, a candle and a handwritten note
- Mark the dates in your calendar and show up on the hard days
- Keep inviting them to things even if they say no. Being asked still matters
What to Avoid Saying Months Later
Some comments that seem harmless can really hurt. These are what you should avoid saying. Our guide to what not to say to someone grieving has more.
- “Are you feeling better now?” Grief isn’t an illness they’re recovering from.
- “You seem back to normal.” They may be working very hard to look that way.
- “Have you thought about moving on?” The same goes for dating or clearing out their loved one’s things. That’s for them to decide, in their own time.
- “It’s been months, though.” There’s no deadline on missing someone.
- “At least you have…” Anything starting with “at least” tends to make the loss feel smaller.
- “Let me know if you need anything.” It’s meant well but it puts the work on them. Offer something specific instead.
What If They Don’t Reply?
Don’t take it personally. Some days a grieving person just can’t face their phone. They will have appreciated your message even if you never hear back.
Leave it a couple of weeks and send another. Keep it light and say they don’t need to reply.
The people who keep reaching out without expecting anything are the ones a grieving person remembers most.
If you’re worried about how they’re coping it’s fine to say so kindly and ask if they’d like help finding someone to talk to.
Checking in months later is always a good idea and will be something they appreciate. All you have to is show up when most people have stopped. A short text on a regular day can be enough to get someone through it.
So if someone has popped into your head while reading this send them a message now. You’ll probably never know how much it meant but it will be more than you think.